Summer rain

It rained this week. It had been getting ready to all day, and by the time it finally started everyone else had gone to bed and I walked out into the field and stood there soaking it up until I got cold. It was so beautiful and so rare that I didn't want to fall asleep, for fear I would wake up in the morning and it would be over. I heard it and smelled it through the window several times during the night, and the next morning the sky was still heavy and low and dark, and everything smelled like pine trees and fresh, damp hay. I left for work early and rode my bike all the way across the valley – about six miles – and then back to my office. It was lovely.

I haven't felt much like writing anything lately, but that rain was worth remembering. I read in the paper that it was the only rainfall on that date in all the 75 years that rainfall has been recorded around here. It reminded me of how much I always enjoy the first couple of rains in the fall, and got me started looking forward to them already.

What else? I leave for Oregon a week from today and am slowly gathering supplies for the trip. I like to travel super light and usually wait until a couple of days before I leave to start packing, so I can check the weather. This year it should be easy, since I only have a few summer things that still fit. Then again, I'm gonna be on vacation – it's okay to be in "relaxed fit" mode.

The weekend meditation retreat thing is going well. Last week Pema Chodron came to meet with us in person and answer questions (on the weekends we just meet as a group and watch a DVD of the talks she's giving at the Berkeley center). I got a seat near the front and really enjoyed listening to her speak, though I didn't ask any questions myself.

After it was over I thought I might get a chance to talk to her for a minute and thank her for her teaching, which has helped me so much over the years, but as soon as she finished she was whisked away into a conference room to be interviewed. So I took off and headed home on my bike, then about five minutes into my ride decided to go back and fill up my water bottle and see if I might catch her on the way out of her interview. It turned out to be kind of embarrassing, for me at least – or maybe humbling is a better word ... just as I walked up to the water fountain with my bottles and my bike, she came out of the room and suddenly I was face to face with her.

And instead of just saying what I wanted to say, I suddenly felt like a complete idiot, which made me want to explain, so I stammered something about coming back for some water ... and since I just happened to bump into you like this, totally by chance – while coming back to fill my water bottles, you see – I would like to thank you ... It was silly, I was silly, approaching her as if she was a rock star or something! Which is not really how I think of her at all. But I'm sure it wasn't the first time she's encountered someone who wanted to say something to her and didn't know how, and she was gracious and accessible and just very normal, and I'm over my embarrassment and just glad I got a chance to thank her in person. Because her work really does mean a lot to me. She's actually the one who first turned me on to the idea that this kind of intensely emotional moment, when I feel like a dork and a loser and want to sink into the ground and disappear, is not something to try and get rid of, but is exactly the best kind of material to work with if you want to develop the courage to live with a more open heart and more compassion for yourself and others. It isn't enjoyable to feel that way, but you can learn how to use it – and so in that way, your greatest pain, guilt, fear, anger, whatever – can actually be your greatest wealth. I need to write more about these ideas one of these days.

Not today though. Despite this long and rambling entry I seem to have no interest in writing right now at all. Not much is actually happening, for one thing – just the usual. I ride my bike every day, walk the dogs, run on the treadmill, lift weights (little ones), eat good food, sleep well, and try to keep my blood healthy. In an interesting stroke of coincidence I received several yoga-related gifts for my birthday this year, so I'm incorporating those into my little routine as well. Mainly, I'm just feeling very quiet and clear lately. Empty, in a good way. It's actually really relaxing. But there isn't much to say about it except that it feels good.