My ugly obsession

As I was saying: these are the shoes. I'm obsessed with big ugly platform shoes, and when I saw these in the magazine ... well, maybe they're not as ugly as they could be, but all the same – I almost cried with happiness. Unfortunately, even if I could afford to buy them, I cannot find them. They exist, for me, only in the pages of the April issue of Vanity Fair, a magazine I bought for the first time in years last month ostensibly to study trends in fashion advertising, but really because I was dying to know Teri Hatcher's desperate secret.

(As an aside: I don't remember if I've already written about this, but I have a friend at work who shares all her trashy magazines with me. They start out with her mother-in-law's hairdresser and make the rounds through several people before it's my turn, and after I read them I take them back to work and pass them along to someone else. As a result I've developed quite a taste for this kind of journalism ... not that I would consider Vanity Fair trash, but you know ... it ain't high art.)

Anyway. The other obstacle to my wearing these fabulous shoes is the fact that my legs just aren't the type. Although I have never let that stop me before. For example, witness Exhibit a, an actual scan of the hideously unfashionable 5-inch leopard-print platform maryjanes I wore shopping for earrings a couple of weekends ago. These shoes have been in and out of the Goodwill box more times than I can count. I loved them the second I saw them (they were on sale!), and I still love them, but realistically – where can you really wear a pair of shoes like that?

As it turns out, you can wear them anywhere. Or at least, you can wear them around town in Sebastopol in the middle of the day on a wet and gloomy early spring shopping excursion. And if you should decide to do that, you may be surprised to receive, as I did last Saturday, no fewer than EIGHT separate and (I have no reason to doubt) completely sincere compliments on them from various other shoppers and storekeepers, three of whom – in three different stores – actually begged to know where I had gotten them. So I guess I'll be hanging on to them for at least a little while longer.

All this shoe and earring excitement in happening because even though it's still cold and rainy, spring is now officially here – the clocks have changed and everything – and it's starting to hit me that I need to get moving on my new summer uniform.

Last year it was all pretty much variations on yellow and orange linen things, with the obligatory ratty old cargo pants in faded olive green (possibly the last summer for this particular pair). This year, I don't know. I've been really attracted to brown and black lately, but that's probably only because of the weather. Also, I'm really wanting to get away from black lately for some reason.

What I'm thinking, especially now that I've finally become sun-conscious to the point of wearing sunscreen every single day, is something vaguely caftan-like ... taking my clues from Africans, Bedouins, Jesus, and other hot-climate-dwelling folks. It will definitely have long sleeves, but not too loose! And possibly at least partly transparent. I have this old flannel night shirt that might make a good pattern if I can bring myself to take it apart. As for the bottom, maybe a skirt? (Note to self: think about how all this is going to work on the bike!)

Augh. I don't know. I just know that I can't stand to be hot, or to have to think about what I'm going to wear every day. Awhile ago Julie wrote about this artist who creates and wears uniforms as art – which made me feel totally validated, because I've been wearing my own weird pseudo-uniforms for years and always felt vaguely embarrassed about how much I loved wearing the same thing day after day after day. Aren't we creative types supposed to like to mix things up a bit?

Which, I suppose, is where the shoes come in. As another example, how about these? Aren't they preposterous?! I have no idea what I'd wear with them ... maybe some kind of ... pants? Coveralls? Could they be tied in somehow with my wasabi-colored cowboy hat?

And then there are these, which I'm not sure are ugly enough for me to love ... but there's something a little krazy about the shape, and I like the way the crocodile skin wraps around the back and then starts crawling back up the front under the toe. But they're suede, and they'd be too hot, and they cost four hundred dollars. Maybe in the fall. You know, right after I win the lottery.

Finally, I am also considering this humble pair of jute canvas loafers. I love Simple shoes because they're one of the only brands that is consistently wide enough for me, plus these ones are 100% vegan and can be thrown in the compost pile after you've worn them out! The only trouble is, I'm afraid they might be just a little too flat. Fortunately there is a shoe guy in town who's performed a couple of miracles for me over the last few years ... I wonder how tall he could make them?