Enough with the D word already
I promise this is not going to turn into a "My Diabetes Journey" blog! There are still lots of things related to it that I'm sure I'll be writing about, but getting through this first week has been huge and exhausting and right now I kind of just want to write about other things for awhile.
Like losing weight. I'm obviously a lot more motivated to Just Do It now than I was before, but this is something I've been talking about doing for a long time. Just how much weight do I need to lose? About 40 lbs. That seems like an awful lot to me, and it's hard to believe I've allowed myself to get that fat ... but the reality is, I have. And now it's time to start moving in the opposite direction.
Don't worry – I also do not plan to turn this blog into "My Weight Loss Journey!" But I am, at least occasionally, going to post this little ticker, just to help myself stop wanting to hide so much about it.
It's funny how people are so sensitive about their weight ... when someone is 40 lbs. overweight, it isn't exactly a secret! Still, I'm just as sensitive as the next person, so I'm not going to reveal the actual magical number – just the amount I want to lose, and my progress toward the goal. So far, in the last two weeks, by radically improving my eating and exercise habits, I've lost about 5 lbs. Yay, me!
Although, at the same time, not so much. I know it isn't popular to be fat, and I now believe the people who've been saying it isn't healthy – I had tended to suspect these people were promoting self-hatred and body-oppression for marketing purposes, more than real health concerns – but this morning when I got out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror, I felt sad to think that my sweet (too sweet, I now know), round little body is already beginning to shrink away. I know I'm not supposed to love myself when I'm fat, but I can't help it! I'm always attracted to large, round, snuggly people ... I want to climb into their laps and hug them, and have even been known to follow certain people around the farmer's market and the grocery store, because even just looking at them makes me feel calm and happy and safe.
I know I need to change, and I will change. But I love my body the way it is, and I do feel sad to be saying goodbye to the way it's been for so long.
Still, being forced to lose weight – that's only one way of looking at it, right? It doesn't have to be this dire and oppressive thing. I could think of it as self-transformation for a good cause! Leaving something behind, yes, but also turning toward or emerging into something new. Better health, longer life (barring accidents, alien abduction, etc.), more energy to do things that are important to me, etc. etc. Plus, it's more socially acceptable to be thin, and when I am, I'llhave to get to buy all new clothes! That could be fun.
I've started riding my bike to work again, which feels great. It's lucky I got my diagnosis in spring, when it's so easy to exercise outside – I'll have half a year to get back into good habits before the weather starts turning lousy again. We are buying a treadmill tomorrow, to use early in the mornings in summer (when the afternoons get too hot to do anything), and in winter when I don't feel like riding in the dark and the rain.
This weekend I'm going to sit down with the mountain of literature I've managed to amass and put together some shopping lists and meal plans – also something I've been meaning to do forever. I'm also going to write a letter to my doctor and let him know how I felt about the treatment I've received (actually, not received) from him, and what kind of experience I would have liked to have.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and encouragement. I'm taking this seriously, because it is serious, but I'm not really freaking out anymore.
Next week I will get the camera back from Mr. A, upload my photos from last week, and write a trip report.
Like losing weight. I'm obviously a lot more motivated to Just Do It now than I was before, but this is something I've been talking about doing for a long time. Just how much weight do I need to lose? About 40 lbs. That seems like an awful lot to me, and it's hard to believe I've allowed myself to get that fat ... but the reality is, I have. And now it's time to start moving in the opposite direction.
Don't worry – I also do not plan to turn this blog into "My Weight Loss Journey!" But I am, at least occasionally, going to post this little ticker, just to help myself stop wanting to hide so much about it.
It's funny how people are so sensitive about their weight ... when someone is 40 lbs. overweight, it isn't exactly a secret! Still, I'm just as sensitive as the next person, so I'm not going to reveal the actual magical number – just the amount I want to lose, and my progress toward the goal. So far, in the last two weeks, by radically improving my eating and exercise habits, I've lost about 5 lbs. Yay, me!
Although, at the same time, not so much. I know it isn't popular to be fat, and I now believe the people who've been saying it isn't healthy – I had tended to suspect these people were promoting self-hatred and body-oppression for marketing purposes, more than real health concerns – but this morning when I got out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror, I felt sad to think that my sweet (too sweet, I now know), round little body is already beginning to shrink away. I know I'm not supposed to love myself when I'm fat, but I can't help it! I'm always attracted to large, round, snuggly people ... I want to climb into their laps and hug them, and have even been known to follow certain people around the farmer's market and the grocery store, because even just looking at them makes me feel calm and happy and safe.
I know I need to change, and I will change. But I love my body the way it is, and I do feel sad to be saying goodbye to the way it's been for so long.
Still, being forced to lose weight – that's only one way of looking at it, right? It doesn't have to be this dire and oppressive thing. I could think of it as self-transformation for a good cause! Leaving something behind, yes, but also turning toward or emerging into something new. Better health, longer life (barring accidents, alien abduction, etc.), more energy to do things that are important to me, etc. etc. Plus, it's more socially acceptable to be thin, and when I am, I'll
I've started riding my bike to work again, which feels great. It's lucky I got my diagnosis in spring, when it's so easy to exercise outside – I'll have half a year to get back into good habits before the weather starts turning lousy again. We are buying a treadmill tomorrow, to use early in the mornings in summer (when the afternoons get too hot to do anything), and in winter when I don't feel like riding in the dark and the rain.
This weekend I'm going to sit down with the mountain of literature I've managed to amass and put together some shopping lists and meal plans – also something I've been meaning to do forever. I'm also going to write a letter to my doctor and let him know how I felt about the treatment I've received (actually, not received) from him, and what kind of experience I would have liked to have.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and encouragement. I'm taking this seriously, because it is serious, but I'm not really freaking out anymore.
Next week I will get the camera back from Mr. A, upload my photos from last week, and write a trip report.
3 Comments:
You are you and you are beautiful no matter what the size of your body, so don't feel sad about saying goodbye to this body, because remember that when I first met you, you were a slip of a girl--and model thin! I remember it clearly! That girl is part of you, and you can say hello to her again and will recognize her again. (Am I making any sense?)
Not that you have to be "model thin" again, but you get what I mean.
I'm so glad you're not freaking out anymore. It's always a relief to get beyond that phase of the process. Whew!
It sounds like you are taking a very positive approach toward coping with the changes you'll need to make, right down to the plan to write a letter to that doctor. Even if he diregards it (which he might) it will make you feel better about the situation.
One last thing re: losing weight. For me, the absolute worst habit is eating late at night (I try not to eat past 7:00 PM, but it's not always possible). I think that over the past few months I've finally broken myself of this habit, and I've lost weight as a result.
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