Another lucky number
My main lucky number has always been 2. I like everything about it – the shape, the sound, the simplicity of it. It doesn't really "mean" anything to me, though I guess I could say I've always kind of felt like it's a very friendly number. Companionable. Cozy. Comfortable. Two. I like it.
Yesterday though I got a new lucky number that does have some meaning for me. The number is 6.6, and what it means is that all the work I've been doing to try and get my blood glucose back where it should be is working. Six-point-six is my new A1C – the number that tells you your average blood glucose level over the last three months. A healthy, non-diabetic person will have an A1C between 4 and 6%. When I was diagnosed in April, mine was 12. That's really high – scary high! And now I've got it almost back down to a non-diabetic level. My doctor was so happy to be able to tell me that number, and all the nurses gathered around me in the office smiling and telling me what a great job I'm doing. And I've gotten humble enough to admit that I found it super gratifying, satisfying and even kind of exhilirating to be given such special attention again, almost like how it used to feel when I was in school and teachers would make a fuss over how smart I was, or how talented, or whatever.
I'm using the word "humble" because normally I would be too embarrassed or proud to admit how much I crave the approval of authority figures ... it doesn't really jive with the "beat of my own drummer" part of my shaky self-image. This weekend retreat I've been doing at the Shambhala center has sort of softened me up a bit in that regard, though. The talks have emphasized how meditation practice can help you learn to shed your ego, or at least lighten up on yourself, and in listening to the presentations and talking with other people about them I've started to see something new in my desire to hide the parts of myself I don't like. I'd always thought of it before as a self-protective instinct, made necessary by what I considered my unusual sensitivity ... and that may be part of it. But there's also a component of ego – I want to hide because I want people to think well of me, and I think that if they really SEE me, then the illusion will be shattered ... or something.
Anyway, I will write more about this sometime. The point for now is just that that retreat made it even more clear to me that hiding is not doing me any good, and that if I'm sincere about wanting to live the kind of life I'm always saying I want, it would be good for me to continue looking for and practicing new ways of getting over myself and just diving into things, engaging with life and other people, and not worrying so much all the time about whether people will like me or not.
Still, I love it that my doctor likes me, and that his nurses like me! I can't help it. I like them, too. And I'm glad I'm doing well, and hoping that he'll turn out to be right in his prediction that when I go back again in three months, my next A1C will be all the way back to normal.
Getting back to the idea of meditation – I just got this in an email:
Meditation Makes You Happier
"Scientists have evidence that Buddhists really are happier and calmer than other people. Tests on their brains show that the parts associated with good moods and positive feelings are more active, because of all the meditation they do. Researchers say that the type of meditation done by Buddhists can change the amygdala, an area of the brain which controls fear memory, which is why Buddhists are less likely to be as shocked, surprised or angry as other people. Reseacher Paul Ekman says, "The most reasonable hypothesis is that there is something about conscientious Buddhist practice that results in the kind of happiness we all seek."
I have no doubt this is true – I've experienced it. I just never knew that it was because of physical changes in the brain. Interesting!
In other news, and speaking of humbling experiences, I've been realizing lately that I really was blogging too much at work, just like my boss said. And the reason I've realized it is because every time I think of things I want to write about here, I end up stopping myself mid-thought and deciding not to bother, because our superslow dialup connection at home makes it just too frustrating – so frustrating I can't even tell you – to try to do anything online that isn't really absolutely necessary to my actual survival. We did finally get Comcast to install a line out to our pole, but then I realized it wouldn't make sense to pay for installation of the modem on my cracked and chipped up old laptop, so now I need to buy a new computer, too, and I'm trying to decide whether my need to blog is worth spending a few thousand for a really top of the line system I can use for work as well – which I kind of don't want to do, because then I think I'll feel like I have to start picking up more freelance work, to justify the expense, and I don't really want to work at a computer any more than the 40+ hours a week I'm already working – or if maybe I should just keep using the laptop, at least until after Christmas – my friend who's a Mac guru says they always come out with new and exciting things during the first quarter of each year.
All this simply by way of explaining why I haven't been writing much lately. It isn't that I don't have lots to say, as always, or that I don't care about my readers – all three of you! Because I do, and I do. Probably as soon as summer is over and I start spending more time indoors again I'll take the time to figure all this out, and update myself to the point where I can rejoin the blog-o-sphere, at least more often than I've been around this summer. Until then, I'm writing in paper journals again and that's been fun too, though it isn't as easy to share. But it is easier to draw pictures, and I've been enjoying that, too.
On Thursday I'm leaving for a quick trip to Utah for a family thing at my brother-in-law's family's lake cabin up in Idaho. Everyone in my immediate family will be there, including all 15 (plus two in progress) of my nieces and nephews, and (I think) my youngest sister's sweetie – I guy I haven't met yet, who she seems to think is pretty much It for her.
When I get back it will be mid-August. It feels like fall already, but I expect it will get hot again before it cools off for winter, for real.
My little brother is coming out for a visit in September, with his wife and three kids. I can't wait to play on the beach with them and show them around. I don't think any of them have ever been to the Sonoma coast before.
I wrote a feature for the fall issue of the magazine, and I'm mostly pretty happy with it. The editors liked it too, enough to ask me to plan on being a regular contributor. I'm writing on my own time and billing at a normal rate – finally, something I can get paid a standard rate for! – so if I do a couple more pieces I should just about be able to pay for the big computer without dipping into my own money.
Yawn. Now that I'm finally dialed up, logged in and writing, I almost don't want to stop – knowing it may be awhile before I can muster up the motivation to drag myself through the whole laborious process again. But I've gotta go to bed. Did I mention that book I've been reading, about how humans are designed to sleep when it's dark, and not stay up all night under artificial lights? I think I did; I know I've been talking about it a lot lately....
Urgh! Somehow I don't seem to be able to stop writing, even though I'm falling asleep at the keyboard and struggling to think of anything to say ... vaguely irritated with myself for stubbornly keeping on going far past the point of anything even remotely worth saying, quite possibly alienating and pissing off my few remaining regular readers ....
I just have to stop now. Like, Now!
Okay. Now. For real!
Yesterday though I got a new lucky number that does have some meaning for me. The number is 6.6, and what it means is that all the work I've been doing to try and get my blood glucose back where it should be is working. Six-point-six is my new A1C – the number that tells you your average blood glucose level over the last three months. A healthy, non-diabetic person will have an A1C between 4 and 6%. When I was diagnosed in April, mine was 12. That's really high – scary high! And now I've got it almost back down to a non-diabetic level. My doctor was so happy to be able to tell me that number, and all the nurses gathered around me in the office smiling and telling me what a great job I'm doing. And I've gotten humble enough to admit that I found it super gratifying, satisfying and even kind of exhilirating to be given such special attention again, almost like how it used to feel when I was in school and teachers would make a fuss over how smart I was, or how talented, or whatever.
I'm using the word "humble" because normally I would be too embarrassed or proud to admit how much I crave the approval of authority figures ... it doesn't really jive with the "beat of my own drummer" part of my shaky self-image. This weekend retreat I've been doing at the Shambhala center has sort of softened me up a bit in that regard, though. The talks have emphasized how meditation practice can help you learn to shed your ego, or at least lighten up on yourself, and in listening to the presentations and talking with other people about them I've started to see something new in my desire to hide the parts of myself I don't like. I'd always thought of it before as a self-protective instinct, made necessary by what I considered my unusual sensitivity ... and that may be part of it. But there's also a component of ego – I want to hide because I want people to think well of me, and I think that if they really SEE me, then the illusion will be shattered ... or something.
Anyway, I will write more about this sometime. The point for now is just that that retreat made it even more clear to me that hiding is not doing me any good, and that if I'm sincere about wanting to live the kind of life I'm always saying I want, it would be good for me to continue looking for and practicing new ways of getting over myself and just diving into things, engaging with life and other people, and not worrying so much all the time about whether people will like me or not.
Still, I love it that my doctor likes me, and that his nurses like me! I can't help it. I like them, too. And I'm glad I'm doing well, and hoping that he'll turn out to be right in his prediction that when I go back again in three months, my next A1C will be all the way back to normal.
Getting back to the idea of meditation – I just got this in an email:
Meditation Makes You Happier
"Scientists have evidence that Buddhists really are happier and calmer than other people. Tests on their brains show that the parts associated with good moods and positive feelings are more active, because of all the meditation they do. Researchers say that the type of meditation done by Buddhists can change the amygdala, an area of the brain which controls fear memory, which is why Buddhists are less likely to be as shocked, surprised or angry as other people. Reseacher Paul Ekman says, "The most reasonable hypothesis is that there is something about conscientious Buddhist practice that results in the kind of happiness we all seek."
I have no doubt this is true – I've experienced it. I just never knew that it was because of physical changes in the brain. Interesting!
In other news, and speaking of humbling experiences, I've been realizing lately that I really was blogging too much at work, just like my boss said. And the reason I've realized it is because every time I think of things I want to write about here, I end up stopping myself mid-thought and deciding not to bother, because our superslow dialup connection at home makes it just too frustrating – so frustrating I can't even tell you – to try to do anything online that isn't really absolutely necessary to my actual survival. We did finally get Comcast to install a line out to our pole, but then I realized it wouldn't make sense to pay for installation of the modem on my cracked and chipped up old laptop, so now I need to buy a new computer, too, and I'm trying to decide whether my need to blog is worth spending a few thousand for a really top of the line system I can use for work as well – which I kind of don't want to do, because then I think I'll feel like I have to start picking up more freelance work, to justify the expense, and I don't really want to work at a computer any more than the 40+ hours a week I'm already working – or if maybe I should just keep using the laptop, at least until after Christmas – my friend who's a Mac guru says they always come out with new and exciting things during the first quarter of each year.
All this simply by way of explaining why I haven't been writing much lately. It isn't that I don't have lots to say, as always, or that I don't care about my readers – all three of you! Because I do, and I do. Probably as soon as summer is over and I start spending more time indoors again I'll take the time to figure all this out, and update myself to the point where I can rejoin the blog-o-sphere, at least more often than I've been around this summer. Until then, I'm writing in paper journals again and that's been fun too, though it isn't as easy to share. But it is easier to draw pictures, and I've been enjoying that, too.
On Thursday I'm leaving for a quick trip to Utah for a family thing at my brother-in-law's family's lake cabin up in Idaho. Everyone in my immediate family will be there, including all 15 (plus two in progress) of my nieces and nephews, and (I think) my youngest sister's sweetie – I guy I haven't met yet, who she seems to think is pretty much It for her.
When I get back it will be mid-August. It feels like fall already, but I expect it will get hot again before it cools off for winter, for real.
My little brother is coming out for a visit in September, with his wife and three kids. I can't wait to play on the beach with them and show them around. I don't think any of them have ever been to the Sonoma coast before.
I wrote a feature for the fall issue of the magazine, and I'm mostly pretty happy with it. The editors liked it too, enough to ask me to plan on being a regular contributor. I'm writing on my own time and billing at a normal rate – finally, something I can get paid a standard rate for! – so if I do a couple more pieces I should just about be able to pay for the big computer without dipping into my own money.
Yawn. Now that I'm finally dialed up, logged in and writing, I almost don't want to stop – knowing it may be awhile before I can muster up the motivation to drag myself through the whole laborious process again. But I've gotta go to bed. Did I mention that book I've been reading, about how humans are designed to sleep when it's dark, and not stay up all night under artificial lights? I think I did; I know I've been talking about it a lot lately....
Urgh! Somehow I don't seem to be able to stop writing, even though I'm falling asleep at the keyboard and struggling to think of anything to say ... vaguely irritated with myself for stubbornly keeping on going far past the point of anything even remotely worth saying, quite possibly alienating and pissing off my few remaining regular readers ....
I just have to stop now. Like, Now!
Okay. Now. For real!
Labels: diabetes
4 Comments:
So weird for you to mention the humans sleeping when it's dark thing. ALL month I've been thinking about that. I heard it said once in a movie.
Sounds like things are going great for you! Yeah T!
Congratulations, Tina! I found myself all gratified for you while reading. Like it was a victory for your friends, too.
You deserve nice, new things.
Congratulations! re blogging at work...can't even ACCESS blogs (to read) at work (school's safe search blocks them)...so all of my blogging is done at home...and as you said, often the last thing I feel like doing when I get home from work is sitting down at a computer. :)
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