Holiday bacchanalia of tears

I ran across this photo from one of my stock services at work today, while doing a keyword search on "thanksgiving." What the hell?! I guess they were thinking more loosely in terms of feasting, abundance, decadent overindulgence, etc. etc. Looks like some party, eh?

Anyway, I'm thinking about Thanksgiving lately. All this week I've been laying out recipes and features with all these yummy food ideas and photos – mostly food photos, but also some more generic holiday meal related images. It's making me very hungry. And very, very homesick.

[Warning: Woe-is-me fest to follow]

I love my life out here. I do. Still, I just miss my family so much sometimes. My nieces and nephews are growing up without me. My parents are getting older – every time we spend time with Mr. A's parents, who are now 81 and 91 years old, I wonder – what will it be like when my parents are that old? If they live 20 more years, and if I keep up my current schedule of visits, that would mean I'll see them only maybe 20 or 30 more times in my entire life. And even if I am able to implement my plan of starting a "flying fund" to buy four round trip tickets a year, flying in and out over a long holiday weekend is not the same as being part of a person's life on a daily basis. I'll never be able to just stop by and see them, the way we see Mr. A's parents. I'll never be able to just casually invite them over for dinner, or out for a hike, or just hang out and visit with them.

Usually I don't let myself think about it. I don't even call very often, because it just hurts too much. Keeping it all locked up and clamped down hurts, too, though. Especially during the holidays, when I know I'm going to see them. I remember when I was a kid, my mom would always get emotional around Christmas, and I never really got it. What's the big deal? I get it now.

I don't want to live in Utah, and neither does Mr. A. So does this really mean I'm never going to be part of my family's life again? Am I willing to accept that? Is there some other way to think about it that makes it acceptable and okay to have made the decision to live so far away from almost everyone in the world that I really love? I mean, I have friends here. But it isn't the same as family. My brothers and sisters are some of the coolest people I know. When I spend time with them, the world makes sense in a way it doesn't anywhere else. For instance, we know how to move around the kitchen together. We know where the bread drawer is, and how to fold the napkins right. Stuff like that, that makes a person feel at home. I miss having easy access to that feeling.

I used to think that growing up meant taking what you'd learned in your first family, and then going out into the world and finding or creating it with new people. Not breaking off those relationships, which I don't think I've done – at least not intentionally – but expanding them by bringing in new people. But how do I integrate it all when we're all so far apart? This is something I need to resolve as soon as possible, or at least start working on.

Hence the flight fund. I've set it up as a monthly transfer that will fund four trips a year, if I plan them far enough ahead to get the cheap tickets. Getting more time off work would also be great – possibly something to negotiate on in lieu of a raise, for example.

Ugh. Crying at work is so banal. So is all this drama – I hate it! Plus, I had this whole entry in mind all about Thai iced tea and this delicious spicy peanut dressing I'm trying to unlock the secrets of so I can make it for Thanksgiving dinner at Mr. A's brother's house.

Thank god for Mr. A's family, by the way. They all live within about 20 miles of us and their generosity and welcoming attitude has gone a long way toward alleviating my holiday homesickness over the last few years. It wouldn't hurt to keep in closer touch with some of them, either.

P.S. I was also going to write about how last night was my very last event as a member of that board of directors I've been on for the last six years – so I'm now officially free! Except that at that same meeting, someone approached me about becoming a director on the board of the local teen center, about which I know nothing except that they were plagued by some kind of scandal last year that a lot of people still seem to have pretty negative feelings about. In any case, I'm not committing to anything new until January at least.

P.S.II. You have got to go here now and check out the most amazingly beautiful picture of the most amazingly beautiful cabbage I have ever seen. Speaking of outstanding ideas for Thanksgiving! Mr. A's brother, who hosts the annual feast for this family, is something of a gourmand and a truly wonderful chef ... I would love to show up, just once, with something that could impress him.