Living in the body

It seems like for the last several weeks all I've been doing is waking up, going to work, and then – the day really begins – with these amazing bike rides home.

It's what I live for right now. I can't believe how good it feels.

For many years people told me that endorphins were better than drugs, better than anything. I never believed them.

If I believed in regrets I would consider regretting all the years I wasted Not feeling this good every single day.

Today Mr. A and I threw the bikes in the truck and drove over to Napa, spent the afternoon riding up and down the river in the sunshine. Shared a pulled pork sandwich, a diet Coke and a long embrace on the waterfront.

Tonight I rode into town to meet a group of friends for a birthday celebration – drinks, dinner, dancing at a bar. I haven't been to a real bar like that in ten years, easy. Everybody was young, the band was your typical rock bar band, I watched the competition for World's Strongest Man on the tv over the bar while dancing but not drinking. Nevertheless my friends made a great fuss over the fact that I was planning to ride home instead of taking a cab. But that moon – how could I not ride under that incredible moon?

Has it really always been this easy to feel this way? I think back over all the years I spent struggling with clinical depression, anxiety, unbearable darkness .... Was all that really necessary?

I learned a lot from those experiences, though I hope never to repeat them. I'm so grateful for what I'm learning now, as well. About trusting the body. Taking care of first things first. Speaking my heart. Letting go of what doesn't matter.

Letting go of what does matter.

I said goodbye today to someone who's meant a lot to me for a long time. He gave me a choice between friendship with him, and honesty with myself. I choose the obvious.

It's the only thing I can do. Even though it breaks my heart to lose him.

I'll miss you, man.