What I said
Yesterday, while I was waiting for Mr. A to check us out of the hotel, I decided to check my email. Bad idea. There at the top of the list was a message from my ex-husband, cheerfully announcing that he'd gotten married again a few weeks ago and was having a lot of fun getting used to being married again, doing fun things with his new kids, etc. etc.
I never did reply to the message he sent me in January. I couldn't think of anything nice to say, and didn't want to say anything I would regret. But I did feel strange about never answering.
Today I decided to stop analyzing everything and just say what I wanted to say. If he thinks I'm a sanctimonious bitch, so what?
Maybe in a few minutes I'll wish I'd said something else, but right now I don't care. He obviously wanted some response, or he wouldn't have made such a point of getting in touch even after I ignored his last email.
[pause]
Okay, so I played right into his hands. Again. By responding honestly I've allowed myself to be manipulated into giving him exactly what he wanted – proof that I really am too emotional, too self-righteous, too whatever – or at the very least, that he can still get a rise out of me. Once again, by indulging in the urge to push back when my buttons are pushed, I've given him power.
Maybe he'll show my email to his new wife as a way of explaining to her why his last marriage was such a train wreck.
Whatever. I've already spent way too much of my life dealing with all this. I won't be answering any future email from him.
I just wanted to give myself credit for and record, for my own future edification, the fact that I did finally answer the message that had been bothering me all these months, and that I spoke my mind even though I know it's not considered a strong move to reveal your emotions about such things. I don't need to be strong here. I have nothing to prove here. I don't even need to be here, at all. I'm done.
At this moment I feel completely free of ever having known him. Or possibly, like throwing up. Could go either way.
I never did reply to the message he sent me in January. I couldn't think of anything nice to say, and didn't want to say anything I would regret. But I did feel strange about never answering.
Today I decided to stop analyzing everything and just say what I wanted to say. If he thinks I'm a sanctimonious bitch, so what?
To get right to the point: I didn't reply to the email I got from you in January because knowing you were getting married again made me angry all over again about some of the things you did when we were together. I don't know if I've ever actually said this to you, but you really need to know, especially now that you're married again, that being with you really fucked me up. I trusted you, and you betrayed me and lied to me over and over again. The way I responded to that was not good for me. It's taken me a long time and a lot of work to get my confidence back.
I know it's not good manners to send such a personal and emotional response, but at least when I knew you, it seemed like you never really understood how much your actions affected other people - or if you did, your behavior didn't show it. I hope you know it now, especially if you're going to be living with someone who trusts you to help raise her kids.
You have a kind, gentle and generous soul. I always believed you had it in you to be a good husband, or I never would have taken a chance on marrying you in the first place. I'm glad you've found someone to be with and I hope you'll be happy together. You have a chance now to have an honest relationship. Congratulations on that, and good luck.
Maybe in a few minutes I'll wish I'd said something else, but right now I don't care. He obviously wanted some response, or he wouldn't have made such a point of getting in touch even after I ignored his last email.
[pause]
Okay, so I played right into his hands. Again. By responding honestly I've allowed myself to be manipulated into giving him exactly what he wanted – proof that I really am too emotional, too self-righteous, too whatever – or at the very least, that he can still get a rise out of me. Once again, by indulging in the urge to push back when my buttons are pushed, I've given him power.
Maybe he'll show my email to his new wife as a way of explaining to her why his last marriage was such a train wreck.
Whatever. I've already spent way too much of my life dealing with all this. I won't be answering any future email from him.
I just wanted to give myself credit for and record, for my own future edification, the fact that I did finally answer the message that had been bothering me all these months, and that I spoke my mind even though I know it's not considered a strong move to reveal your emotions about such things. I don't need to be strong here. I have nothing to prove here. I don't even need to be here, at all. I'm done.
At this moment I feel completely free of ever having known him. Or possibly, like throwing up. Could go either way.
2 Comments:
I don't think your email could be dismissed as too emotional--if your ex does dismiss you because of your response, he's lying to himself and he just can't handle the truths you pointed out to him. I think your words are very good for him to hear. Whether he can absorb them and really look at himself and think about why you feel the way you do, that's another story. (If he does put the whole thing on some "emotional instability" in you, then he is more immature than I ever imagined!) From what you report in your post, it sounds like he still hasn't done much work on himself and is as unconscious as ever. Glad you wished him luck! He'll probably need it! (Sorry, to be so negative, but I guess I have a lot of anger regarding him, too.)
And I feel like your email was pretty generous and diplomatic. (I hope it rattles him in a good way!)
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