"...and it was all good, the core and heart of that time."
That's a quote from one of the last pages of a memoir I just finished re-reading – an old one, not a new one – and it struck me so deeply I wrote it down in pale blue ink right next to where it was printed in the book, for emphasis.
This fall I've been thinking back a bit on some of the adventures of my late teens and early 20s, and about the effects some of my actions may have had on people I cared about, and while I still can't think of anything I did that I can say I really regret – and I consider that a great blessing, the ability to see my younger self with compassion and understanding – there was a time a few weeks ago when I was really sort of mourning the loss of a friend I used to love a lot a long time ago, and I guess thinking about that person was what got me started on this little course of nostalgia.
What's clear to me today is that it really was all good at the core and heart, that whole entire time of my life. I didn't always know it at the time, as clogged and clouded as I often was with guilt and denial and other people's projections ... but I know it now.
Fall always seems to bring out these feelings in me. Vague nostalgia, timelessness, gratitude. I spent a slow, silent, golden day today doing mostly nothing at all but listening to the wind in the trees and watching the sun move across the sky, and snoozing and snacking and not thinking about anything, but Feeling a lot – just emotions, without a lot of real thoughts attached – watching them come and go like clouds. One of my favorite kinds of days.
Not much else to report right now. I took a day off work to go play in the city with my little brother and his family who were here visiting this week, and that was good. Tomorrow I'm starting another retreat series at the Buddhist center I've been going to. And now I have to go to bed so I can get up early for the first class.
This fall I've been thinking back a bit on some of the adventures of my late teens and early 20s, and about the effects some of my actions may have had on people I cared about, and while I still can't think of anything I did that I can say I really regret – and I consider that a great blessing, the ability to see my younger self with compassion and understanding – there was a time a few weeks ago when I was really sort of mourning the loss of a friend I used to love a lot a long time ago, and I guess thinking about that person was what got me started on this little course of nostalgia.
What's clear to me today is that it really was all good at the core and heart, that whole entire time of my life. I didn't always know it at the time, as clogged and clouded as I often was with guilt and denial and other people's projections ... but I know it now.
Fall always seems to bring out these feelings in me. Vague nostalgia, timelessness, gratitude. I spent a slow, silent, golden day today doing mostly nothing at all but listening to the wind in the trees and watching the sun move across the sky, and snoozing and snacking and not thinking about anything, but Feeling a lot – just emotions, without a lot of real thoughts attached – watching them come and go like clouds. One of my favorite kinds of days.
Not much else to report right now. I took a day off work to go play in the city with my little brother and his family who were here visiting this week, and that was good. Tomorrow I'm starting another retreat series at the Buddhist center I've been going to. And now I have to go to bed so I can get up early for the first class.
1 Comments:
fall in recent years has been a hard time for me. is it the transition? I love so much about it, though, but often at this time, something seems to be falling apart.
That said, I could sure do w/a meditation class right now! so glad you're doing, and I wanted to express my gratitude to you for another beautiful piece of writing.
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