A new ally arrives
One of the friends I had that lovely dinner with last week just had the baby she's been expecting, after only 30 weeks of pregnancy. I'm worried and haven't been able to find out any details except that she or he (one of the details I did not think to ask about) was born alive, and is presumably still alive, and that my friend and her husband have been unreachable.
Not knowing anything more than that, and not expecting a return phone call necessarily any time soon – obviously they have other things on their minds at the moment, and while we are friends, we're not what I would call very close friends – I've decided the most useful thing I can do is make a big vegetarian lasagna (thanking goodness that I finally have learned how to cook) and stick it in the freezer, ready to take over there as soon as I know when they're going to be around and needing to eat.
Because I am under the impression that babies born this early don't come home right away. And oh blah, I'm going to go ahead and speak the unspeakable, since this is my own private journal – sometimes, they don't come home at all. (Why this terrible fear and superstition about acknowledging the obvious? As if lightning might strike me down just for thinking it!) Anyway though – I'm not going to give any more energy to that thought, but instead focus all the power of my imagination on the hope – the belief – that this baby will come home, healthy and as soon as possible, and that all this will someday be just a sweet story about how he or she was altogether too eager to enter the world and get down to the business of living a long and beautiful life.
At times like this I miss the community I grew up in, where this kind of event would be met by an instantaneous mobilization of highly organized women taking shifts to cook, clean, run errands, care for other children (if there were any), and just generally make sure that the family in crisis was taken care of and freed up to focus on their own healing. I'm not part of any such network or community here, and I think that's pretty sad. I guess I don't really know how to create it within a group of people like the ones I know here ... everyone always seems so busy, and so private. It's actually just a fluke that I even know about this early birth at all – I happened to have a meeting today with a client who works with the husband, and he mentioned it.
It makes me sad – seems incomprehensible – that I would have to worry that something as basic as dropping off a homemade veggie lasagna, or a gift certificate to a restaurant I know they like, might be seen as nosey, intrusive or vulture-ish instead of as a simple gesture of support. And yet, I have been told I should watch my step in situations like this. Sometimes I think I will never really learn all the social rules I'm "supposed" to know to live around here.
However: I don't think these friends would feel that way, which is why they're friends. I guess all I can do is keep reaching out to people in the way I would like to be reached myself, and hopefully the people who want that kind of relationship in their lives will continue to respond. I have met a few.
Not knowing anything more than that, and not expecting a return phone call necessarily any time soon – obviously they have other things on their minds at the moment, and while we are friends, we're not what I would call very close friends – I've decided the most useful thing I can do is make a big vegetarian lasagna (thanking goodness that I finally have learned how to cook) and stick it in the freezer, ready to take over there as soon as I know when they're going to be around and needing to eat.
Because I am under the impression that babies born this early don't come home right away. And oh blah, I'm going to go ahead and speak the unspeakable, since this is my own private journal – sometimes, they don't come home at all. (Why this terrible fear and superstition about acknowledging the obvious? As if lightning might strike me down just for thinking it!) Anyway though – I'm not going to give any more energy to that thought, but instead focus all the power of my imagination on the hope – the belief – that this baby will come home, healthy and as soon as possible, and that all this will someday be just a sweet story about how he or she was altogether too eager to enter the world and get down to the business of living a long and beautiful life.
At times like this I miss the community I grew up in, where this kind of event would be met by an instantaneous mobilization of highly organized women taking shifts to cook, clean, run errands, care for other children (if there were any), and just generally make sure that the family in crisis was taken care of and freed up to focus on their own healing. I'm not part of any such network or community here, and I think that's pretty sad. I guess I don't really know how to create it within a group of people like the ones I know here ... everyone always seems so busy, and so private. It's actually just a fluke that I even know about this early birth at all – I happened to have a meeting today with a client who works with the husband, and he mentioned it.
It makes me sad – seems incomprehensible – that I would have to worry that something as basic as dropping off a homemade veggie lasagna, or a gift certificate to a restaurant I know they like, might be seen as nosey, intrusive or vulture-ish instead of as a simple gesture of support. And yet, I have been told I should watch my step in situations like this. Sometimes I think I will never really learn all the social rules I'm "supposed" to know to live around here.
However: I don't think these friends would feel that way, which is why they're friends. I guess all I can do is keep reaching out to people in the way I would like to be reached myself, and hopefully the people who want that kind of relationship in their lives will continue to respond. I have met a few.
4 Comments:
You are such a good writer.
You are the hippest person who could drink legally whom I know.
Thank you for continuing to show me friendship through so many years of my muckings.
You have also resisted desensitization well.
miwox (...the encryption to prevent bots from commenting your blog; also followed by an accessibility-issues symbol.)
I love that about the community we grew up in too - everyone looked out for each other, something that is becoming more and more rare.
I think in this type of situation there are a lot of people who sit back and are afraid to say or do something when saying or doing something is exactly what the person in crisis needs. I'd say go for it. Who doesn't like a good lasagna! And I'm sure they will appreciate that you are thinking about them.
Brad
I also loved that about the 'community' we grew up in.
It's a beautiful gesture to offer some food during this time of their lives.
I'm sure they'd so appreciate it!
oh, they will love that lasagne! Neo-natal tech is so sophisticated now that that baby has an excellent chance. Babies have even been born earlier than that and have pulled through. Still, it's gut wreching. You are a good friend.
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