And another thing /
Six months in
Last night when the Waltons were eating that soup, I noticed there wasn't a single throwaway, single-use container anywhere in sight. When Grandma poured milk for Elizabeth, she poured it out of a white ceramic pitcher, not a plastic jug. The napkins on each plate were blue and white cloth – not paper. And I don't know if you ever noticed this, but when the Waltons go to the store, the candy comes in jars (not individual wrappers), they take their own grocery basket, and they save the paper that's wrapped around their stuff. And the string.
In other news, I saw my doctor today and got my latest A1C. Just to recap, when I was diagnosed as diabetic back in April, my A1C was 12, which corresponds to an average blood glucose level of over 300. That's not good. Today my A1C was – are you ready for this? – 5. A big five-oh, and that is very, very good – as good as a non-diabetic person. In fact, you don't even start being considered possibly diabetic until it reaches 5.8.
He said this is the most dramatic turnaround of a newly diagnosed diabetic patient he's ever seen in his practice, and I don't think he was saying it just to make me feel good. I really have made some pretty remarkable progress. I've worked hard and made some big changes, and even though I know it's possible that these things may not always be enough to keep me healthy – because this is a degenerative disease and over time a lot of people just deteriorate no matter how "good" they are – I'm going to go ahead and let myself feel proud of what I've accomplished in the last six months.
Not that I'm really scared anymore, or pessimistic about the future. Everything I've read says that with normal blood glucose control (which I've now achieved), a diabetic person has no more risk of life-threatening complications than a non-diabetic, and a lot of what I've read lately (though this assertion is considered controversial) also suggests that keeping blood glucose in a very tight, non-diabetic range can actually stop the progression of the disease by preventing further beta-cell burnout. In other words, if I can keep my glucose normal, I might be able to save my pancreas.
That makes me happy, and hopeful, and not just because of my pancreas. It's also because I'm seeing once again that I'm not deluded when I try to assure certain people in my life that change is possible. For them and for me.
Sometimes this journal makes it uncomfortably clear to me that in a lot of ways I'm still just as stuck in my same old neuroses and bad patterns as I ever was ... reading back over things I said last year, or even five, ten or even twenty (even thirty!) years ago, sometimes it seems impossible that I could ever really get over the things that bother me. For instance, maybe I'll always have this intense social anxiety, and maybe it will always prevent me from being able to be everything I could have been if I hadn't always felt so afraid to step up and interact with people, take advantage of good opportunities, etc. etc.
But then, maybe that won't always be the case. Maybe if I keep trying to work with that innate tendency, I'll be able to gradually move myself in a new direction, just like I've done with my broken glucose metabolism. Because it's still broken. I've been able to keep it from hurting my health by doing manually what my pancreas is no longer able to do (keeping my blood sugar low), but I'm still diabetic and will always be diabetic. It's part of how I'm made. If I were to go back to living the way I used to live before, my glucose would shoot straight back up again.
So the point is, I do have this issue that makes it harder for me to have a healthy blood sugar. But it's only harder – not impossible.
Maybe it could be somewhat the same with my anxiety. I don't have to expect that it will ever be "cured," but if I change some of my behavior (even though I'm still scared), maybe I can get it under control at least enough to allow me to do some of the other things I've been too afraid to do for so many years.
It scares me even just thinking about that! But I was scared at the beginning of "my diabetes journey," too. And look at me now.
In other news, I saw my doctor today and got my latest A1C. Just to recap, when I was diagnosed as diabetic back in April, my A1C was 12, which corresponds to an average blood glucose level of over 300. That's not good. Today my A1C was – are you ready for this? – 5. A big five-oh, and that is very, very good – as good as a non-diabetic person. In fact, you don't even start being considered possibly diabetic until it reaches 5.8.
He said this is the most dramatic turnaround of a newly diagnosed diabetic patient he's ever seen in his practice, and I don't think he was saying it just to make me feel good. I really have made some pretty remarkable progress. I've worked hard and made some big changes, and even though I know it's possible that these things may not always be enough to keep me healthy – because this is a degenerative disease and over time a lot of people just deteriorate no matter how "good" they are – I'm going to go ahead and let myself feel proud of what I've accomplished in the last six months.
Not that I'm really scared anymore, or pessimistic about the future. Everything I've read says that with normal blood glucose control (which I've now achieved), a diabetic person has no more risk of life-threatening complications than a non-diabetic, and a lot of what I've read lately (though this assertion is considered controversial) also suggests that keeping blood glucose in a very tight, non-diabetic range can actually stop the progression of the disease by preventing further beta-cell burnout. In other words, if I can keep my glucose normal, I might be able to save my pancreas.
That makes me happy, and hopeful, and not just because of my pancreas. It's also because I'm seeing once again that I'm not deluded when I try to assure certain people in my life that change is possible. For them and for me.
Sometimes this journal makes it uncomfortably clear to me that in a lot of ways I'm still just as stuck in my same old neuroses and bad patterns as I ever was ... reading back over things I said last year, or even five, ten or even twenty (even thirty!) years ago, sometimes it seems impossible that I could ever really get over the things that bother me. For instance, maybe I'll always have this intense social anxiety, and maybe it will always prevent me from being able to be everything I could have been if I hadn't always felt so afraid to step up and interact with people, take advantage of good opportunities, etc. etc.
But then, maybe that won't always be the case. Maybe if I keep trying to work with that innate tendency, I'll be able to gradually move myself in a new direction, just like I've done with my broken glucose metabolism. Because it's still broken. I've been able to keep it from hurting my health by doing manually what my pancreas is no longer able to do (keeping my blood sugar low), but I'm still diabetic and will always be diabetic. It's part of how I'm made. If I were to go back to living the way I used to live before, my glucose would shoot straight back up again.
So the point is, I do have this issue that makes it harder for me to have a healthy blood sugar. But it's only harder – not impossible.
Maybe it could be somewhat the same with my anxiety. I don't have to expect that it will ever be "cured," but if I change some of my behavior (even though I'm still scared), maybe I can get it under control at least enough to allow me to do some of the other things I've been too afraid to do for so many years.
It scares me even just thinking about that! But I was scared at the beginning of "my diabetes journey," too. And look at me now.
Labels: diabetes
4 Comments:
Ah! Yea! You're back among the writing!
Please accept my sincere congratulations! You, my dear and utterly unique friend, are what they call a success story.
I'm so impressed that I can hardly stand it. For some people it takes a war to show their prowess, self-command, and courage. For you it took a serious threat to your health. And let me say also that your health is important to your friends.
I, as one, don't want to think about a world where I can't annoy my friend of over twenty years (isn't it)?
Way to go, Tina, way to f'ing go.
(And if this isn't glowing enough, IM me; and I'll rev up the engine a little more.)
That is great news, and you def. have every right to be proud of getting your blood sugar so well under control.
Great news! Congratulations!
you are amazing!
12 to 5?!?!
i have never heard of such a thing.
you can clearly do whatever you set your mind on.
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