I just can't help loving you, Diet Pepsi Jazz

These are the words I found myself whispering to the cold, curvy, gold-and-blue bottle I held cradled in my arms like a baby this morning over a silver-rimmed saucer containing my carefully calculated breakfast of one egg, one slice of buttered whole wheat toast with flaxseeds, and one two-inch section cut from the end of a strip of not-quite-crisp turkey bacon.

"Look at it," I said to Mr. A, petting the bottle's cool, sweat-beaded shoulder and rocking it back and forth a bit. "It's adorable."

So I think it's safe to say I've finally succumbed to a bit of madness brought about by the end of summer, the breakdown of mental capacity due to a deficiency of the brain-building essential nutrients found in the heart-healthy whole grain foods I now eschew (at least if the dire predictions of my pro-carb dietician are to be believed), and the neverending monotony of my current so-called "diabetic diet."

I hardly ever used to drink soda at all before all this diabetic crap started. Now I have about one a day. And it's diet.

I didn't love it at first. I mainly started drinking it because it's the only thing that lets me feel, even if only for an hour or so, like I actually got enough to eat for a change. A 20-oz. diet soda contains enough bubbles to fill up the space that's left after a lunch of, say, a 3-oz. grilled skinless chicken breast and a little plate of raw cabbage salad, for example, or the ten millionth bowl of steamed veggies, greens and tofu, or the sixty-five-billionth stick of low-fat mozzarella with six (count 'em, six) roasted cashews.

Thus it is that Diet Pepsi Jazz has become my latest obsession, my main squeeze, the entity I look forward each day to meeting – right after lunch – for the sweet (albeit artificially flavored), satisfying encounter my friends at work are starting to refer to as "Tina's afternoon delight."

It's the caramel-cream flavored one that's got me hooked.

And now I'm drinking it for breakfast. I guess I should probably feel ashamed ... everything about it is trampy and artificial, unreasonably effervescent and upbeat, marketed to a demographic I emphatically do NOT identify with. Even the label art is embarrassing – big square chunks of caramel flying through ribbons of what I guess is supposed to look like wholesome, delicious, dairy-fresh cream. Yuk. But I can't help it. I'm in love. And like ambivalent lovers across the universe, I'm also living in dread of the inevitable moment when it will all come crashing down around me – the day the market researchers declare caramel-cream artificial flavoring hopelessly "last year," and pull it off the shelves forever. But until then – I raise my glass to thee, Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel-Cream-flavored soda. You rock my world.

Anyway. I realized today that it's time to start figuring out some new things to eat. Luckily with the change of seasons there's been new stuff in the produce section lately – which is good, but also kind of scary, because I haven't eaten any of the usual fall veggies and fruits since I started testing my blood, and so I have no idea how any of them are going to affect me. For instance, I usually eat tons of winter squash at this time of year – all kinds, but with an emphasis on very big, very hard, blue-skinned, dark-fleshed varieties. Steamed or baked with a little olive oil and served in my favorite Japanese earthenware bowl with a sprinkling of toasted pecans, chopped dried cranberries and cracked black pepper ... And what if I make that this year, and find out I can't have it anymore? Diet Pepsi Jazz can only take you so far. At some point, you still need to eat real food.

I miss being able to eat believing I can eat anything I want. I don't like feeling obsessed with food. The obsession does seem to come and go, though, I've noticed; it doesn't last. Right now I guess I'm feeling it again because of all this new, untested winter food starting to appear. Probably once I figure out what I can and can't handle eating, I'll be fine again.

In other news, yesterday was the first day of fall and last night, right on schedule, we had our first real autumn storm. It's been raining on and off all day and this afternoon I got really chilled all the way through for the first time since last spring, and had to walk on the treadmill for twenty minutes to warm up enough to write this post. Before that, I spent several hours trying to read, and being too cold to really concentrate, and yet not quite cold enough to get out from under my blanket and do anything about it, all the while occasionally drifting off into reveries about how cold and damp it gets here in the winter, and how much I prefer to be at the perfect temperature at all times ....

We've been talking about installing a wood stove and using it to heat the house this winter. I spent two winters when I first got here living in a house that had a wood stove as its only source of heat, and liked it a lot. There's something very comforting and ... appropriate-feeling about chopping a little wood every day when it's cold outside, and keeping an eye on your fire throughout the day, and smelling those robust, wintery smells of pine pitch and ash and woodsmoke on your clothes when you come in with an armful of split oak or almond or madrone. We have about two cords piled up on the east end of the yard and a dying 50-foot Monterey pine that needs to come down before winter really gets underway, so I think this will be a good year to get back into the groove of heating a house with wood.

Of course, it's still only the middle of September; around here that means we'll have at least one more really hot spell before it gets cold again for good. Today though I am feeling cool, cloudy and cozy, tucked in and comfortable, and ready for some changes. Maybe I'll even put the flannel sheets back on the bed.

P.S. I was invited this week to become a director on the board of another local non-profit – one that deals with at-risk youth. The center offers several programs I'd be interested in working with, including a bicycle-building clinic and a food and nutrition program. The organization has experienced a bit of controversy over the last couple of years, so I'm doing a little research before I decide whether to join the board or not. But it sounds promising.

Speaking of bicycles – right now the only thing I'm loving more than my daily Diet Pepsi Jazz (I just can't stop saying those three beautiful words) is my daily bike rides. I love that bike like I don't know what! I love it so much I just bought it a present – the brightest 10-LED tail light the world has ever seen. It's so bright it hurt my eyes the first time I switched it on, and left me seeing stars for 15 minutes (after which I was able to again see well enough to read the instructions on the box, which read in part, "DO NOT look at or shine this light directly into eyes"). I'm going to go out now and ride up and down the road a bit, just to see how cool it looks in the dark. I predict: SUPERCOOL!