Yes, I'm going to write about it
Overall, the Northwest weekend was wonderful. Great friends, food, wine, chocolate, tidepools, a small red octopus, several beautiful hikes, waterfalls, lots of laughing, etc. etc. etc. The part that I need to write about though is not wonderful, but horrible – the kind of thing that makes you wish you could turn the calendar back a week and take another stab at doing it over again, the right way.
Without going into the personal details, what happened was that one person in the group repeatedly abused the trust and good will of several of the women, one of them way beyond what can easily be brushed off as a stupid drunken indiscretion. I just found out about this last part and don't know if she found it terrifying or just really, really repulsive. As for me, I will go ahead and call it like I see it: assault by a sexual predator. The details I know about it make me sick to my stomach. I was sleeping in another room not 30 feet away from where it happened.
This group of friends has known each other for over 20 years – over 25 years, some of us – and over that time we've done a lot of experimenting with each other's boundaries, emotionally and in other ways. I've felt safer being myself with these people than with just about anyone else I've ever known, including some members of my own family (though this is changing, largely due to the ability to stay open that I've learned by practicing with this group). To think that one of us would violate the trust of not just a few of the women but the entire group makes me really angry, and also makes me question the safety I've felt with these friends all along.
If we're really all so comfortable with each other, why have none of us ever talked about the way we feel about how this person treats women? Or maybe not everyone shares my goal of more openness? Why have the women always tried to be polite and discreet and not hurt his feelings when he's being inappropriate, instead of calling him on it to his face? Why haven't we talked about this with the other men in the group? And how the hell could someone I know and trust(ed) do something so clearly shitty and heinous? Without apparently even realizing that that was what it was?
Also: Will the group recover and get stronger from this experience? Or will we all shut down just a little more, trust others a little less, feel just a little more alone in the world? I guess more than the injury to any one individual that is the possibility that makes me angriest of all. A sense of community like this is so rare – the older I get, the more I see that. I had been looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to renew those bonds and go deeper with people I've known for half my life. How dare he do something that could jeopardize all of our ability to feel safe connecting like that?
How COULD he? And what are we supposed to do now?
All this is not to totally demonize this person, who after all is still the same man he was before last weekend. Life is complicated, and even the most painful stuff can be compost to grow ourselves into better, kinder, stronger and happier people. The best way I know to help that happen is simply to tell the truth, and to keep an open mind as to where we might find ourselves when all the facts are known.
Forgiveness also figures in there somewhere. Sometime. I hope.
For now though, I'm still pissed.
Without going into the personal details, what happened was that one person in the group repeatedly abused the trust and good will of several of the women, one of them way beyond what can easily be brushed off as a stupid drunken indiscretion. I just found out about this last part and don't know if she found it terrifying or just really, really repulsive. As for me, I will go ahead and call it like I see it: assault by a sexual predator. The details I know about it make me sick to my stomach. I was sleeping in another room not 30 feet away from where it happened.
This group of friends has known each other for over 20 years – over 25 years, some of us – and over that time we've done a lot of experimenting with each other's boundaries, emotionally and in other ways. I've felt safer being myself with these people than with just about anyone else I've ever known, including some members of my own family (though this is changing, largely due to the ability to stay open that I've learned by practicing with this group). To think that one of us would violate the trust of not just a few of the women but the entire group makes me really angry, and also makes me question the safety I've felt with these friends all along.
If we're really all so comfortable with each other, why have none of us ever talked about the way we feel about how this person treats women? Or maybe not everyone shares my goal of more openness? Why have the women always tried to be polite and discreet and not hurt his feelings when he's being inappropriate, instead of calling him on it to his face? Why haven't we talked about this with the other men in the group? And how the hell could someone I know and trust(ed) do something so clearly shitty and heinous? Without apparently even realizing that that was what it was?
Also: Will the group recover and get stronger from this experience? Or will we all shut down just a little more, trust others a little less, feel just a little more alone in the world? I guess more than the injury to any one individual that is the possibility that makes me angriest of all. A sense of community like this is so rare – the older I get, the more I see that. I had been looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to renew those bonds and go deeper with people I've known for half my life. How dare he do something that could jeopardize all of our ability to feel safe connecting like that?
How COULD he? And what are we supposed to do now?
All this is not to totally demonize this person, who after all is still the same man he was before last weekend. Life is complicated, and even the most painful stuff can be compost to grow ourselves into better, kinder, stronger and happier people. The best way I know to help that happen is simply to tell the truth, and to keep an open mind as to where we might find ourselves when all the facts are known.
Forgiveness also figures in there somewhere. Sometime. I hope.
For now though, I'm still pissed.
Labels: the events in question
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