... and a loop-de-loop for good measure
WHAT a day. After my last desperate post I went back to bed and slept until it was time to visit my hospice patient. The best thing about the visit was actually just about the best thing about the whole day – as I was getting ready to leave, she made a great effort to speak and was able to pronounce the words, "I enjoyed our visit." It's the first thing she's ever said that I've been able to understand, and it meant a lot to me. I would love to be able to write about her here because she's a truly fascinating and inspiring person, but that is not allowed. We're not supposed to talk about our patients at all with anyone who's not on the care team. I will say, though, that I'm enjoying our visits too, and getting some good perspective on what's important to me.
After the visit I went to an Al-Anon meeting, just to try and reground myself. Then home, where I found Mr. A in a mood I could not attend to without disturbing us both even more. So I left again to go to yoga, followed by a steam and soak in the spa, followed by calmed nerves and a feeling of relative well-being, at least compared to how I've been feeling most of the last several weeks.
Then I got home again and found an email from my ex-husband. He's in town and has some video of me from when we were first together; he wants me to call him so he can get it to me.
Truthfully I'm too exhausted right now to decide what I want to do. My first thought is that I most definitely don't want to see him. Second thought is that I would like to see that video though, and really, what could be so bad about seeing him for a few minutes? We were only together a few years, from the day we met to the day I left – less than half as long as I've been with Mr. A already. I've definitely moved on. So what's the big deal?
Mainly, I just don't want to have to talk about myself to anyone right now, especially someone who's seen me like this before. Also, if he's doing great, I don't want to see it. It isn't that I wish him any trouble or sadness, but I just ... don't want to see him doing great, when I'm doing so not-great.
Another part of me still wants to see him as a potential ally, someone who knew me well at one time, knew my family, cared about me to some degree, and might understand how I'm suffering now and might even be able to offer some comfort. How insane is that? I guess those thoughts just show how isolated I've felt from the community I grew up in, and how that loss still hurts, even after all this time. Anyone with even the most tenuous connection to Mormonism starts feeling like a lifeline, even when my own history with that person shows they're not to be trusted.
I dunno. I don't have to decide right now. In fact, right now I'm about to enjoy the moment I've been looking forward to all day – falling asleep again. Tomorrow has to be a better day.
After the visit I went to an Al-Anon meeting, just to try and reground myself. Then home, where I found Mr. A in a mood I could not attend to without disturbing us both even more. So I left again to go to yoga, followed by a steam and soak in the spa, followed by calmed nerves and a feeling of relative well-being, at least compared to how I've been feeling most of the last several weeks.
Then I got home again and found an email from my ex-husband. He's in town and has some video of me from when we were first together; he wants me to call him so he can get it to me.
Truthfully I'm too exhausted right now to decide what I want to do. My first thought is that I most definitely don't want to see him. Second thought is that I would like to see that video though, and really, what could be so bad about seeing him for a few minutes? We were only together a few years, from the day we met to the day I left – less than half as long as I've been with Mr. A already. I've definitely moved on. So what's the big deal?
Mainly, I just don't want to have to talk about myself to anyone right now, especially someone who's seen me like this before. Also, if he's doing great, I don't want to see it. It isn't that I wish him any trouble or sadness, but I just ... don't want to see him doing great, when I'm doing so not-great.
Another part of me still wants to see him as a potential ally, someone who knew me well at one time, knew my family, cared about me to some degree, and might understand how I'm suffering now and might even be able to offer some comfort. How insane is that? I guess those thoughts just show how isolated I've felt from the community I grew up in, and how that loss still hurts, even after all this time. Anyone with even the most tenuous connection to Mormonism starts feeling like a lifeline, even when my own history with that person shows they're not to be trusted.
I dunno. I don't have to decide right now. In fact, right now I'm about to enjoy the moment I've been looking forward to all day – falling asleep again. Tomorrow has to be a better day.
2 Comments:
wow--when was the last time you saw j? do you remember the video? it's my birthday eve, and i'm longing to see some good old friends. your blog is next best thing.
jt
also, wanted to know if you've read the article on hospice/end of life issues/aggressive cancer treatment in the latest new yorker. so fascinating. the writer, a mainstream doc, basically argues for hospice, in that in his experience and research it actually helps people live longer, not to mention with more dignity, connection and grace.
jt
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