Her pupness

My alternate title for this post was going to be "More than I can chew?" I'll get to that shortly.

So, we got the puppy. We named her Beatrice (Bea). What can I say? She's very cute, but that wasn't why we chose her; in a nutshell, I've been feeling like I need to start getting another dog trained, and I don't want to wait too long to do it. Tater isn't going to be thrilled about any new dog we introduce into the house but every expert and dog person I've talked to has said he's likely to have the fewest issues with a young female pup.

The part I was downplaying to myself until we got her home was the part where a young pup creates more issues for us. For me, specifically. It's not that there's anything wrong with her -- I think she has the potential to be a really nice dog. She's sweet and confident but not pushy, medium energy, smart, not skittish or fearful at all. Tater was pretty shy as a puppy, which at the time sort of endeared him to me, but his anxieties have been hard to deal with at times; for the next dog we wanted one who can actually go do things with us away from the house sometimes. But despite the difficulties, one thing I will say about Tater is that he was extremely easy as a puppy. Maybe too easy. To the point of seeming pretty much effortless. I have a feeling this one is going to be more of a challenge, and now that we've had her home for a couple of days I'm wondering if we're really up for it.

I feel terrible for not being all joyous and excited about our new girl! Part of me is, of course. She's a new puppy, for godsake! It doesn't get much more joyous than that. I keep waking up every morning all super-adrenalized, though. Not in a good way. I'm so nervous I've hardly eaten since Sunday. The dog forums call this "puppy blues" -- similar to the baby blues or post-partum depression women get when they start settling into the idea that this baby is really here to stay. The feeling of "OMG, what the hell have I done?!" The worry that I'll somehow ruin this sweet trusting little blank slate of a dog, and end up with a jumping, digging, barking brat of an animal that nobody can stand to be around. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion from taking her out to pee every 3 hours around the clock (although it seems to be working -- no accidents in the house so far). The constant scanning of the environment for potential hazards, even though at this stage of life she's still in her crate most of the time.

The greatest of those potential hazards is Tater. So far he mostly just pretends to ignore her, though he sniffs her sometimes and lets her follow him and run circles around him in the yard. He's gruffed at her several times when she got out of hand, which is to be expected. He seems much more wary of her in the house than outside, and also much more likely to act jealous inside, especially when toys are involved. Basically, I have to keep them separate in the house, which I knew I would have to do ... I just didn't think about it until now, that we've never really restricted his access to any part of the house before. I need to find a way to make it a positive experience for him. For example, if I have to put him in the bedroom for awhile with the door closed so I can exercise Bea without him jumping in to take her toys away and make me play with him instead of her. Maybe give him an extra-special treat only when he goes in there? I don't know! I've never raised a puppy in a house with a jealous older dog before.

A lot of this will resolve itself after she's had her second set of immunizations in two weeks, because then I'll be able to exercise her by running her on the road and vineyard paths. Getting her good and tired three or four times a day is going to be a huge help. Even as small as she is, it's hard to run her hard enough to really tire her out when we're not supposed to leave the yard.

I'm also worried about Mr. A. He has a huge fear of dog fights, and gets very tense -- beyond tense -- whenever he sees any sign of tension between dogs. They can tell when he's upset, which makes them upset, which makes him even more upset ... We'll need to figure out how to get a handle on that. He was totally on board the day we got her, at least. After we found her online on Saturday he went out for his usual game night and came back with a new puppy bed. It's possible he really does want her too, and is going through his own adjustment to the idea. God knows he's had some pretty major life changes to get used to over the last few months ... So maybe this isn't the best time to add one more thing. Or, maybe it's the best time to do it. I don't know! I'm just really trying to live by my hopes instead of by my fears -- to say "yes" to life!

However. At this exact moment I'm feeling about half and half on this thing. If he came home and said he'd changed his mind, I'd be OK with sending her back. There, I said it. Maybe it makes me a terrible person but I'm more sick-to-my-stomach anxious over this than I've been in many, many months, and if he's not going to be into it, then now is not the time. I can't deal with anxiety issues, dog issues and Mr. A issues all at the same time. On the other hand, if he really wants to do this, I think it could be great.

As usual when I'm nervous my thoughts are all zooming around worst case scenarios, even though I know it only makes me feel worse to think that way. It's also possible for good things to happen, right? Getting a new puppy is supposed to be fun! Still, it's OK to acknowledge mixed feelings about it too, isn't it? Yes, puppies are fun, but they're also little babies that need to be taken care of and trained and watched out for constantly, and that's a huge commitment, and it isn't something you should do only halfway. I seriously don't know how I ever would have handled having an actual human baby. That's something I'm grateful I had the sense to forego; I'm just not cut out for it.

Every time I hear that piercing little bark my stomach just about twists itself into a knot.

Then when she quiets down I start believing again that it's all going to be OK.

I would love to learn how to relax more about stuff like this, and enjoy life more and worry about things less. This is something I think you learn by doing, and I am trying, but it doesn't seem to be happening very fast. Since the beginning of this year I've been making more of an effort than I ever have before to stretch my boundaries, try new things, be more of a "go for it" type of person. I've seen the kind of life I end up with by being cautious and passive, and I want more than I've been getting. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I'm feeling totally out of my depth a lot of the time -- because I am out of my depth.

Maybe a better title for this post would have been "Sink or Swim." Or "Leap of Faith." Or "Courage of My Convictions." Or "Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained." Or "Scared Shitless, and Still Shitting."

I'm watching this little gopher walking back and forth over a pile of rocks out in the yard right now and wondering how it feels about its life. I read somewhere that rodents are naturally anxious all the time -- it's how they stay alive, by intense and constant hyper-vigilance. I can relate to that. It would be nice, in a way, to have no other worry in life but simply staying alive. Eating, sleeping, reproducing -- I'm sure they don't worry about whether they're screwing up their kids with substandard parenting techniques, or bemoan their unfulfilled potential, or wonder how they're going to take care of themselves when they're a hundred years old and no longer able to work.

OK, enough of this. It's a beautiful wet green day, super rare for this time of year, and I think I've succeeded in downloading enough of my stress to be able to get to work. So that's what I'm going to do. And then I'm going to take my dogs out in the yard to play.