Bad news, and moving on

I'll just spit it out: I did not get into the MSW program I applied to. I found out yesterday, when I called to confirm they'd received my final grade in the statistics class – an A, by the way – and learned the letters had already been sent, and my name was not on the list. The lady was nice enough to look up my file and let me know where my application had fallen short: not in the application itself, which she said scored very high, but in my lack of experience in the field, of which I have basically zero.

Had it been clear to me that only actual practicing social workers with a minimum of two years of experience would even be considered for this program, would I have just spent the last six months of my life and all that money (the stats class was not cheap) focusing on getting myself ready for school? Well, no. Am I a stupid idiot for not cluing in that it was pointless to even apply? I'm going to have to say no again. I did read all the application materials, and talked with several people at the department, and also to a friend who has taught in the program, and all were encouraging even though I was clear that I was trying to change careers, not move up in a career I'm already working in. How did I not realize that this would happen? Why didn't anyone tell me, at least, that it was going to be a pretty long shot?

I am not used to failing, partly because I'm smart and good at a lot of things, but also because failure is so stressful to me that I almost never undertake anything new and difficult unless I'm 99% sure I can succeed. Just to be clear – what feels like a failure to me here is not the fact that I didn't get in, but that I didn't realize I had basically no chance of getting in until after I'd spent all that time and money trying to get in. Stupid!

And yet, I don't feel like the experience was a total waste. If nothing else, it's felt good to have a big goal to focus on every day – and doing so well in that class has renewed my confidence in my abilities, which I hadn't tested in a long time. Plus, I haven't necessarily failed in my goal, just in this particular approach to it. Because my uber goal is not to get into this exact MSW program this very year – it's to move into a new kind of work that will be meaningful and sustaining and sustainable as I get older. And that's something I still can and need to do.

I am disappointed and dismayed, but not destroyed. Angry, but OK. Since this is the year of stretching myself outside my comfort zone, I guess I'll take the whole experience as an indication that I really am doing that – and give myself credit for trying, instead of beating myself up over something I had no way of knowing. (Really though, shouldn't I have known? But how could I have known, if it wasn't mentioned in any of the materials and nobody told me? Why do I always feel the need to blame myself, instead of accepting that the information I needed simply wasn't available to me?)

So I guess all that's really changed is that instead of being in school every Saturday for the next three years, I'll be doing something else. Like what? Like everything else I would have already been doing anyway. Working on house projects. Training the puppy. Visiting hospice patients. Freelancing. Looking for a real job with benefits. Having a life!

I do have a life, y'know. My birthday was on Sunday and we're still celebrating. On the official Day we had breakfast with Mr. A's sister and another friend I've recently reconnected with, followed by an afternoon of puppy play and an evening birthday party at another friend's house. Her six-year-old daughter had won a gift certificate for a free Baskin Robbins ice cream cake at a school carnival, and decided she wanted to give it to me for my birthday. How sweet is that?

Monday we bought my big main present: an air conditioner! Every summer we say we're going to get one, but there are really only a few days a year hot enough to be truly miserable so until now we've made do with fans and cool showers. It was over 100 on Monday though and sooooo nice to be able to sit in the living room watching a movie without sticking to the furniture.

Yesterday we ran errands, worked in the yard, installed solar-powered sparkly lights on the underside of our patio umbrella, cooked, and watched another movie. Today he's back at work and I'm here with the dogs. I have a list of chores and errands to do, and a hospice patient this afternoon, and puppy school tonight for an hour. Tomorrow, more house projects, puppy practice, and yoga. Friday, the weekend again.

Bea has doubled in size in the six weeks she's been with us. Next week she'll have her final round of vaccinations, which means we can finally start taking her on real excursions – walks on our road and in town, hiking, swimming in the river, to the beach – instead of having to keep her restricted to our own yard and other safe places (friends' houses, the hardware store, a wellness fair at the yoga studio, etc.). She still barks a bit more than we would like when she wants something or gets excited, but she puts herself to bed every night at 10 and sleeps until Mr. leaves at 5, when we get up for a pee break, and then go back to sleep again until 7 or 8. The house training is moving along – we're currently in day three of a pee-free spree! – and she knows "sit," "down" and "come." I found a formal obedience training class that starts in two weeks, so we'll be doing that too.

Tater seems to be thriving in his role as mentor. He's very patient with all her jumping and nipping, and lets her follow him around the house and yard even though it's obvious sometimes he'd really rather be allowed to nap in peace. He's reserved the right to confiscate all the best toys and sticks, which she allows, rolling on her back to be sniffed whenever he meanders over to see what she's playing with. The other day they spent an hour sleeping at my feet, leaning right up against each other, butt to butt. That was sweet to see.

As for work, not much is happening at the moment. The person who called me all hot and bothered to get working on a new project has disappeared into thin air, and another ongoing client who's also a friend is having money issues and can't pay me right now. I'm also still waiting to get paid for the big job I finished the end of May – my own fees, plus several grand in printing costs. It's good to know there's money on its way in ... though I'd be happier if it were already here. I'm doing OK money-wise though, and grateful for that.

Besides the money, I also want to work because I like working! I like being around other people and collaborating and socializing and contributing. I miss being part of something that involves more than just me. After the bombshell was dropped on me yesterday Mr. A asked me to consider taking off another couple of the months I would have taken anyway for school, to manage the house renovations we've been wanting to do, and to socialize and train Bea so she's a polite and obedient dog by the time she gets big enough to be really annoying. If you've ever been around a high-energy, one-year-old untrained Labrador Retriever, you know what I'm talking about. Although lately her Golden side seems to be asserting itself more ... I think she really is going to turn out to be a wonderful dog.

Honestly, it's the life I've always wanted more than anything – to be able to be at home, creating a happy, nurturing space for my family – but I also feel scared of not having a job. Until now it felt OK because I was working toward something important, even if I wasn't making any money at it. But Bea is important too, and so is the house. Making an open, inviting home that we can feel comfortable filling with friends and family is a worthwhile project, and one that's so much faster, cheaper and easier when you have the time and money to manage it yourself. Which we do.

So I'm going to try to relax and enjoy the rest of the summer. Get the house done. Get on a solid foundation with Bea. Figure out what I need to do for work for now, and how I'm going to transition into something better. Chill with the new AC and thank the universe for the life I have and the amazing man I'm sharing it with.

Here's my horoscope from the week I took my final exam in statistics:

CANCER: In 1965, two Russian cosmonauts orbited the Earth in the Voskhod 2 spacecraft. Due to equipment problems, they had to land the vehicle manually. Instead of hitting the target area, they mistakenly set down in rugged mountainous country covered with deep snow. While they waited overnight inside their capsule, wolves gathered outside, howling and pacing. But the next day their recovery team reached them and scared off the hungry predators. Soon they were safely on their way back home. Let this little tale be an inspiration to you, Cancerian, as you come in for your landing. Even though you may not end up quite where you intended, there'll be a happy ending as long as you wait for your allies to be ready for you and you don't try to rush your re-integration.

And from today:

CANCER: Let's do a check-in on your progress so far in 2010, Cancerian. The year's half over, and I'm wondering if you've been cashing in on the unique invitations that life has been sending your way. The way I understand it, you've been summoned to emerge from your hiding place and go wandering around in exotic and unfamiliar places. Events that in the past may have turned you inward toward thoughts of safety have in recent months nudged you out in the direction of the Great Unknown. Have you been honest enough with yourself to recognize the call to adventure? Have you been wild and free enough to answer the call? If not, I suggest you find it in yourself to do so. The next six months will be prime time to head out on a glorious quest.

I don't know about "wild and free" or "glorious quest," but I'm definitely in the general vicinity of the Great Unknown. And willing to keep walking toward it.