It's been awhile ... I'm still here, just haven't felt like writing much.
Good things are happening. In July I moved my sleeping area out of the house and into a tent out behind the house, under the apple trees. I've always had my own bedroom (except during my very short marriage) but even with my own space this is still just a very small house. The fresh air, the quiet, the birds and stars and wind in the leaves and fog and and and – I just really love being outside. I'm sleeping well and feeling healthy. Very glad to have time away from people and all the noisy chaotic and/or beautiful things they make, do, and say ... And space to be with my own quiet mind in a non-built environment with plants and rocks and breezes – things that don't need people for anything.
Although of course I am still grateful for my tent and my very comfortable cot. And my battery-operated remote control candles. And the occasional Netflix on wi-fi! OK, so I'm only going semi-feral.
Having a hard time thinking of words – I didn't realize I was getting so out of practice. All I really want to say is that I'm spending a lot more time outside lately than I have in years – even though much of that time is spent asleep – and I think it's been really great for me.
Not sure how I'm going to transition when it starts raining, which is supposed to be this week. I have a pretty good setup for cold weather, but I don't like the damp and I imagine I'll probably end up back inside before too long. I've been looking at various other options – a wall tent, a teepee, a small building (the infamous "building" I've been planning for how many years now?) with a solar panel and a tiny EPA-approved
wood stove (certification required in this county) and a sleeping porch ... blah blah blah. Any of those things will be an investment and a bit of a project though so for now I'm just enjoying the weather for as long as it holds.
It's kind of cute, right?
I actually went and checked out (are you ready?) the Tuff Shed factory this afternoon ... They've got some very cool custom options so I could basically work with them on my design, have them build the shell, and then have it installed in just one day! And then take my time finishing the inside to my own specifications. It's not really much more expensive than building it myself, especially when you consider the time it would take, and the mistakes I would be likely to make.
Would that be totally weird and/or depressing, to live off the grid in a 160 square foot barn in the back forty behind my boyfriend's house? It's not exactly how I ever pictured my life, but then again – I don't really need or want an entire regular house of my own anyway, even if I could somehow afford it, which I cannot. I like sharing a house with Mr. A. I just like sleeping in a separate space. Also, the older I get, the more owning "stuff" makes me feel nervous – while getting rid of stuff makes me feel calm and peaceful. So I'm thinking about downsizing, even though I'm already living pretty small.
And really, who exactly do I have to please with these arrangements, besides Mr. A and myself? What do I care if some unknown person might think I'm ... what? Not acting like a grown-up?
Since I'm writing (and this is the second or third edit I've done since I first posted this blog, so I guess I do have something to say after all) – I will mention that this idea of being an adult is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. Would I feel more like a "real" grown-up if I'd raised a few kids? Or if I owned a house with a mortgage? Or if I understood everything about managing my own investments, instead of having the guy at Fidelity do it for me? Somehow I've managed to reach middle age without ever quite feeling 100% competent and legit. Do other people feel that way too? Or am I just hopelessly retarded – in the sense of being "delayed or held back in terms of progress, development or accomplishment"?
Part of me knows that everyone has these feelings in some area of their life, no matter how confident and together they appear to everyone else. It's just human, isn't it? Another part of me thinks NO, it's just me! Everyone else really
is together – I'm the only one who feels like I'm not sure quite what I'm doing, or what I ought to be doing ....
So that's where my vulnerability is these days, I guess. It's an area I'm working with. Learning to be OK with where I am in my life, and own the decisions I've made and continue to make – realizing I don't need approval from anyone but myself.
Moving on!
I've been doing more art (drawing mostly, nothing I want to share yet), more walking, more outdoor stuff in general. Spending a bit of time on the water, learning about kayaking, looking at getting my own setup for that probably before spring. Swimming in the river and the ocean, eating a lot of fish and vegetables and genmaicha. In love with blueberries, scarlet nantes carrots, kale salad, rare steak, seaweed chips. Pine nuts!
Stopped doing yoga when I injured my elbow several months back and am thinking (just thinking) about getting back to it. I've been working out with weights and doing physical therapy for my messed up knees ... Still not in the greatest shape of my life but working on getting better.
Madly in love with Bea still. She likes sleeping outside too and has adopted one of the lounge chairs just outside the tent door as her official guard station. I love how dogs just automatically take on the job of watching over us, without being taught or asked or anything. All the dogs we've ever had have slept either right next to me or in the doorway of my room – never Mr. A's room. I wonder if they think I'm more in need of protection than he is, or if it's because I'm the one who feeds them, or what ... I've always found it very pleasing – flattering, even.
We spend an awful lot of time at the dog park. It's actually my main social activity these days. Is that weird? Hmm. I find I really don't care if it is. It's fun!
I still miss Tater a lot. It's amazing to feel that socked-in-the-stomach feeling when I remember him sometimes; I've never felt that hard hit even with close human friends who have died. I'm working on a little Dia de los Muertos tribute to him with flowery dog skull, candles, bones, marigolds, etc. etc. My first sketch is sitting here on the desk and looking at it makes me smile. I invited some friends over to decorate skulls and make altar items. It's my favorite holiday.
The leaves are turning red on the dogwood tree I bought to plant on his grave – very pretty. It's been on the back patio all summer, waiting for the real rains to start before we put it in the ground. I want to do it on November 3 – the 6-month anniversary of his death, and the day after Dia de los Muertos.
I spent the last two weekends volunteering at a fall festival in one of the regional parks. Last weekend I taught tiny humans how to card and spin wool, and today I taught them how to pick up and hold newly hatched baby chicks. Tomorrow I'm doing face painting and crazy hair-dos for the community Halloween pageant. I burned out on volunteer work (mainly fund-raising for capital campaigns) a few years ago so it's been fun to start getting back into it in a new way that doesn't require me to ask anyone for money. I just stand at my station and cute little kids come up to me and I get to teach them how to do new things, or make them look like zombies. It's pretty sweet.
Next weekend – a hike and a kayak. Possibly camping on the river, if I can get anyone to go with me (doubtful if it's still raining, but I'm going to try).
What else? Nothing, for now. Just wanted to check in and report on my life in the wild.
