Just when things start getting comfortable

I should never write about – or even acknowledge, not even to myself! – how much I'm enjoying something, for example my new shorter work schedule, and some of the work I've been doing lately (the first work I've had the opportunity to do in several years that I feel really proud of and excited about), and even the little promotion and new job title I've just been given .... because it seems like the moment I mention a thing like that, something happens to mess it up.

In this case I guess it isn't exactly messed up, but I'm anxious and stressed anyway, to the point where I'm noticing myself consciously trying to Not think about this situation, even though it isn't actually a bad thing ... because every time I think of it, this wave of adrenaline gushes into my stomach and I feel like I might pass out.

What is happening is that I have an opportunity to do some exciting new work, and I'm trying to figure out how I can say "yes" to it and still keep doing the fun parts of my current job. I've received a formal offer from this new organization, and now based on that information I have to work out the logistics and decide what I want to do and how I'm going to present my request to my current boss .... which terrifies me because what if ... well, it just terrifies me because I'm always terrified of asking ... for ....

Actually this is interesting, because when I think about it I can't really identify exactly what I'm afraid of here. Afraid they'll fire me? But why would they do that? They just promoted me! Afraid they'll say no, and I'll have to choose one job or the other – neither of which is really enough all by itself, since both are currently only part time? Afraid I won't get what I want?

This anxious, sort of sick-to-the-stomach feeling is so familiar to me, and I hate it. I lived with it for years, literally years – pretty much the entire decade of my thirties – and I don't want to give any more of my time to it! Inside my body it feels dizzy, sick, terrified. Like I can't think. And in terms of my way of being and acting in the world, what it always seems to bring up more than anything is just this kind of blind paralysis – like I desperately want NEED to jettison everything that is not absolutely essential to life – basically, everything but air, food, water and possibly shelter – and dig into my current position like one of those crusty crustacean creatures (barnacles?) that cling to the edges of tidepools, the ones that will let you tear their shells and bodies into pieces before they'll let you pry them off their rock.

What I want right now is to call up these new people (they're not even new, actually – I've known several of them for years) and tell them sorry, changed my mind, can't do it, good-bye, please go away now and stop scaring me! And then go back to my job on Monday as if nothing had ever happened.

A few years ago I think that's just what I would have done. Now, though ... It's crazy, because at this moment I really feel almost as if I could actually throw up from anxiety. And yet I know I'm going to go ahead and try to do this new thing.

In my imagination, I see some vague scene of crashing and burning, people pounding on tables and yelling at me, my coveted projects ripped from my grasp and awarded to my nemesis (over whom I've finally, only just in the last week, been given some authority – which I really don't want to give up so soon!) as punishment for daring to ask for more than is being offered .... I see Me, crying and drooling, begging to be taken back ....

At our second meeting, one of the interviewers pronounced me "wholesome, gentle-mannered, and well-spoken." She meant it as a good thing, but all I heard was "weak, weak, weak."

Why do I get so scared about stuff like this? This process of working myself into a tizzy over pending changes or decisions is also very familiar – the deliberate dramatization of something that is not innately dramatic, as a way of immobilizing or protecting myself from having to take actions I don't feel prepared to take. So passive, so avoidant. So embarrassing, to be such a person ... aren't we all supposed to be able to boldly and confidently go for the gusto, taking the bull by the horns, driving our own destiny, etc.?

Anyway. It's good to know the drama is optional – I'm glad I remembered that. I am going to spend some time tomorrow calming myself down and writing lists, sorting out all the variables, and hopefully coming to a clear understanding of what it is I actually would like to have happen here. And then, a plan for how to ask for it.

Even if I totally botch the negotiation and end up homeless in a ditch, just having made the effort will have been a step forward.

In other news, I got a new little section of garden raked out today and planted seeds for sweet peas (the flowers), various assorted lettuces, watermelon radishes, spinach, rainbow chard, cinnamon basil, Italian large-leaf basil, bok choy, sorrel, cilantro, and several different kinds of nasturtiums. It's still kind of cold, and maybe a little early for the basil, but I enjoyed being out there. I cut chicken wire "slip covers" for each of the beds, because Tater can never resist digging in freshly turned soil. I hope the wire will be enough to keep his sweet little paws away.

We also transplanted (a couple of weeks ago) an 8-foot Japanese maple out of a half barrel and into the ground. It's all leafed out now and really beautiful – bright green star-shaped leaves with little magenta flowery looking things that might turn into seeds ... I can't remember what this particular tree does, but will be keeping an eye on them. I'm underplanting it with bok choy. Not traditional, but I think it will be pretty.