Practicing radical self-care

I've been thinking a lot this last couple of weeks about what happened in my brain last month to cause me to plunge so rapidly into a state of extreme, almost paralyzing anxiety. The experience scared me. A lot. I guess I really had almost convinced myself that nothing like that would ever happen to me again – I was either "cured," or had somehow figured out how to control my stress well enough to prevent it from ever beating up on me like that again.

Now that I've been reminded that this really is something that happens to me sometimes, I've been going over and over this latest episode in my mind trying to figure out what made it different this time – why didn't I go all the way over the cliff?

My first thought is that it's simply because I was able to reel myself back in before the point of no return. Other times when I've gone clear to the bottom of the hole, the stress was not just for a few weeks while I made (and then re-made) an important decision – those were times when it went on and on for months or even years. Maybe this time it was as simple as resolving the situation sooner rather than later. Less stress = less anxiety = less buildup of freakout hormones and chemicals = easier to regain my equilibrium.

But there were other things I did this time that I haven't done before, and I want to remember what they are, because I really think they helped. I won't always be able to remove myself from a bad situation the way I did this time. Next time a crisis arises I don't want to wait a month before I'm willing to start acknowledging what's going on and taking steps to take care of myself.

Here's my list of things I can do as soon as I notice the signs.

1. Tell someone what's happening. Mr. A is always a good one to talk to about this stuff, because he really gets it, and he knows me. But I don't like dumping it all on him all the time. There are other people who understand, and others still who really kind of don't understand but do care and will listen without making me feel like a freak for making such a big deal out of what would look to most people like "nothing."

2. Address my dietary issues. This means no caffeine or sugar, period. Not that I'm doing a lot of them anyway, but when I'm sensitized to stress even very small amounts make a big difference. It also means eating wisely – forcing myself to eat a little something healthy every few hours whether I have any appetite or not, because crazy ups and downs in blood sugar feel a lot like panic attacks and I just don't need to be dealing with that when I'm already stressed.

3. Exercise as hard as I'm physically able to. This time, the first day that I really started to feel somewhat like myself again was the second day of running my ass off on the treadmill. I ran until I couldn't run anymore (which wasn't that long), and then I walked until I felt like I could start running again. I don't know if it was burning up the extra stress hormones, or making new anti-stress ones (endorphins?) but whatever it is, it makes a huge difference – really fast.

4. Deal with the stress immediately – don't wait. If I can get away from the situation altogether, this will always be my first choice, even if it's hard to explain to others who think "pushing through" fear is a character-building experience. It is – but that is not what's happening when I start to go into a downward spin like this. It's one thing to power through discomfort toward some worthy goal, and another to try to force yourself to continue running a marathon when one of your legs has just broken and the other one is also beginning to crack. In a situation like that the only thing that makes sense is to STOP and take care of the immediate issue.

If it's a situation I can't get away from, there are other ways to deal. Meditation, therapy, yoga, massage – all of these help. The point is to do something right away. The reason I waited so long this time is because I was afraid to admit to myself what was happening. I wanted it to be Not Happening and somehow it seemed like by Not Doing Anything I might be able to convince myself that it really wasn't happening. Silly.

I have a real problem with this item because it makes me feel guilty when I do "too much" to make things easy on myself. Some part of me believes I should be strong enough to not need to take such extreme measures as taking a day off work to rest, or even (god forbid) get a massage to try to work some of the tension out of my body. A part of me that I like a lot better knows that in fact I am not that strong, and not only that, but it really is okay to be nice to myself.

It's really important to listen to that part of me when things start to go south.

5. If there's something that I feel obsessively driven to Not Look At – look at that thing first. This one might not be so useful to other people, but it's good for me to remember because every time I've been through this kind of experience (at least so far) there has been some personal issue of monumental proportions that I've been trying to avoid looking at, and I think the stress of trying to force myself into denial is the main energy that drives me into depression.

As an example, I have these little cards with sayings on them that I consult sometimes when I'm feeling like I don't know what to do. I'll just pull out the deck and go through it card by card, pulling out the ones that speak to me, then just sit with each of them for awhile and let the words soak in. This time I pulled about six cards. One of them, though, even though I picked it I somehow still could not bring myself to read it. Every time I came to it, I quickly put it back on the bottom of the stack. It says, "If you think you might be procrastinating, try listening inward for the feelings of the part of you who isn't so sure that whatever you aren't yet doing would really be all right for you to do at all!"*

Of course as it turned out that was exactly what was going on. I didn't want to do the thing I was thinking about doing, but I didn't think it was okay to not want to, so I was going to force myself to do it anyway.

Learning to recognize these things early, and being willing to look at them as soon as I see them ... maybe that would make it easier to stop suffering a little sooner.

There are some attitudinal things on the list too, things like "Be willing to at least consider medication" and "Remember that it all passes eventually." I've found though that when the trouble is in my mind, mind-based solutions don't work so well. So this list is for things I can actually do – not just think about.

* I really can't recommend the creator of these cards highly enough – her writing has truly changed my life, and I don't say that lightly. The art and design are a little cheezy and some of the language struck me at first as kind of a turnoff, but her message is just about the most right-on thing I've ever heard in my life. For example:

To openly acknowledge and appreciate that we can act only from what feels so for us in the moment – no matter what an outside eye might see as the supposed truth-of-the-matter – this is a revolutionary stance. It is a radical act of self-care and self-loving to honor our inner voices above all others. And, it is equally radical to act to protect our selves from what might, to others, seem to be imaginary fears.

When you feel uneasy, unsafe or not-okay in any situation, consider taking your feelings seriously (no matter where they may be coming from) and honoring them by practicing radical self-care.

Why did I have to wait until my 30's to hear someone tell me it's okay to take my feelings seriously, even if they don't seem to make any sense – and take action to protect myself even if others think my fears are "imaginary"? Just reading the words makes me want to cry. In fact, I think I may just go ahead and do that ... it feels so good to cry sometimes!

One of these days I'll put together a list of other resources along these lines ... there are so many people who have really helped me through their work – including other bloggers – and I love to share.