And exercise too
I should also mention the treadmill – that thing has been saving my life this week. On days when I'm too nervous and exhausted to ride my bike (i.e., most of the last two weeks – plus, it's been so windy!) I have still somehow been able to drag my ass out to the garage and put in some serious time walking, jogging and even running at speeds of up to 4.5 miles an hour (yes, this is pretty amazing for me) while listening to music or podcasts, or even, tonight, a double feature of Julia Child hacking up enormous fish with a frighteningly large pair of shears and an even bigger cleaver to make bouillabaisse, and then assembling an inspiringly and very gently beautiful salad Niçoise.
It seems pretty weird, even to me, that anyone could actually be afraid to go out in the wind and ride a bike. And I've learned from my recent obsessive reading of anxiety blogs that this is how agoraphobia gets started (by indulging in avoidant behavior, which only reinforces your fears), so I'm not planning to continue on this path for long ... But until this wind stops, I'm sticking with the treadmill. Working up a good sweat and keeping it going for awhile really does make me feel a lot better, fast.
About all these anxiety blogs – wow. Last time I went through an episode like this, not so many people were blogging yet. There were a few, including me ... in fact, I first learned about blogging (it wasn't called that yet, I don't remember what it was called) by reading an article about living with bipolar disorder. I emailed the author to tell her how much I enjoyed her piece, and when she emailed me back, her signature included a URL. It was an online journal that documented her experiences with mental illness, and it totally blew my mind. She taught me how to do the code, and within a couple of days my first blog was born.
Anyway. It's heartening to see so many thousands of people giving and receiving support online now. That wasn't happening just a few years ago. Having access not only to so much information but also to connections with other people who know what it's like to live like this ... that's powerful.
And I am feeling a lot better. Maybe I won't really crash and burn this time, after all; maybe I caught myself in time to pull it back up before things really go haywire. I'm still feeling shaken and vulnerable, though. I've found out I'm not as strong and stable as I thought I was.
Today I finally got a meeting scheduled with the Job #2 people, to talk about what I can still do for them. That will be happening tomorrow. No doubt that's also part of why I'm feeling relieved; I'm almost back to where I feel comfortable, or at least reasonably functional. And I've gotten there without totally avoiding the entire situation – I'm still going to be involved in the work, I'm just not quitting my job to do it. And maybe it is sort of pathetic that "Not Running Away – At Least Not As Far As I Wanted To" feels like any kind of victory to me ... but for now, I'll take it.
It seems pretty weird, even to me, that anyone could actually be afraid to go out in the wind and ride a bike. And I've learned from my recent obsessive reading of anxiety blogs that this is how agoraphobia gets started (by indulging in avoidant behavior, which only reinforces your fears), so I'm not planning to continue on this path for long ... But until this wind stops, I'm sticking with the treadmill. Working up a good sweat and keeping it going for awhile really does make me feel a lot better, fast.
About all these anxiety blogs – wow. Last time I went through an episode like this, not so many people were blogging yet. There were a few, including me ... in fact, I first learned about blogging (it wasn't called that yet, I don't remember what it was called) by reading an article about living with bipolar disorder. I emailed the author to tell her how much I enjoyed her piece, and when she emailed me back, her signature included a URL. It was an online journal that documented her experiences with mental illness, and it totally blew my mind. She taught me how to do the code, and within a couple of days my first blog was born.
Anyway. It's heartening to see so many thousands of people giving and receiving support online now. That wasn't happening just a few years ago. Having access not only to so much information but also to connections with other people who know what it's like to live like this ... that's powerful.
And I am feeling a lot better. Maybe I won't really crash and burn this time, after all; maybe I caught myself in time to pull it back up before things really go haywire. I'm still feeling shaken and vulnerable, though. I've found out I'm not as strong and stable as I thought I was.
Today I finally got a meeting scheduled with the Job #2 people, to talk about what I can still do for them. That will be happening tomorrow. No doubt that's also part of why I'm feeling relieved; I'm almost back to where I feel comfortable, or at least reasonably functional. And I've gotten there without totally avoiding the entire situation – I'm still going to be involved in the work, I'm just not quitting my job to do it. And maybe it is sort of pathetic that "Not Running Away – At Least Not As Far As I Wanted To" feels like any kind of victory to me ... but for now, I'll take it.
3 Comments:
Your account dislodged a memory for me. Bizarre that through this whole thing of yours, I've forgotten about my wig-out in early 2006. I had the highest-paying contract I'd had in years and I couldn't bring myself to do one sentence of the writing. The poor dude who hired me was angry, disappointed, and of course wouldn't let me try again after I thought I was over it.
I was so bad off, I couldn't even contact the employer to say I wasn't working on the project. Another "friend," who lives with bipolar disorder and a pretty wicked addictive propensity, had introduced me to the person who hired me. This person recommended I not try to explain to the hiring guy what my problem was.
Ironically, I think I could have managed to explain that I have OCD to the manager and that I had developed a pretty wicked aversion to the work. That would have been much better than, "Oops, I left you totally hanging on your mission-critical testing and documentation--for no good reason."
Scary that I could so completely lose that episode in my memory too.
I'm glad you're feeling so much better!
Good luck with the meeting tomorrow (today?). I think there's a good chance it will all work out well.
Can you imagine just how wonderful a bouillabaisse prepared by Julia Child would be? I'm sure you can.
tina, i'm delurking to ask have you heard of EFT (emotional freedom technique)? it is a method of tapping on acupuncture points while talking about your "issues" that can help with all sorts of problems (emotional, physical, mental), especially anxiety. i'm an hsp, too, and i've been using it sometimes. it's helped!
check out:
http://www.emofree.com
there is also a new documentary that i have not seen but want to:
http://www.tryitoneverything.com
there is a trailer for it on youtube.
hope this is helpful. :-)
athena
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