Mind like the weather
Changes every five minutes. I have succeeded in making myself so sick over this job decision that tonight, with Mr. A's compassionate and insightful assistance, I finally decided to undecide. Tomorrow morning I am going in early to ask my boss to please NOT submit the change form ... I want to stick around.
I'm also seeing my doctor AND a new shrink on Thursday, in hopes of getting my brain back. Symptoms (if only to remind myself in future years that I really am not making this up):
1. Profuse sweating
2. Racing heart beat
3. Anxiety-induced diarrhea
4. Anxiety-induced nausea
5. Inability to eat
6. Inability to sleep
7. Inability to think
8. Inability to speak
9. Inability to ride a bike
10. Uncontrollable crying for no apparent reason
11. Shaking and trembling
12. Nightmares
13. Staunch belief that I am a complete and total loser
14. Skyrocketing blood sugar
This last one is what finally convinced me this has gone too far. I'm waking up 30 points higher than usual, and it's not because of food – it's because I've been flooded with toxic stress hormones for almost a month. It feels like a super-soaker blasting red-hot adrenaline against my solar plexus all day and all night long.
One good thing I've learned: I'm getting more out of my current job than I had realized. As Mr. A pointed out when I was berating myself for my "tendency to not go for it," I have sacrificed a lot and made a big effort to create a very simple, stress-free life, and the work I do now is part of what makes that possible. The comfort and stability I feel in my routines – even though everything I've said about the situation is still true – has real value, and it's okay to need that. It doesn't mean I'm lazy, stupid, boring or a slacker.
Somehow I guess I was so successful in eliminating major stress that I forgot why I created this life in the first place. It's because of feeling like this. Paralyzed with terror and dread. Sick – really, physically sick. Sick with fear, like I might die. Prone (oh, so prone) to drama.
I don't want to forget this feeling in a few months, when I'm back to beating myself up over how boring I am. I don't want to put myself down or feel guilty for passing on this opportunity. I'm doing this because I need to take care of my health. And if trying to make this change is affecting me this severely, it doesn't really matter if the feelings are coming from inside or outside, past or present, accurate or inaccurate perceptions, or even if they are "appropriate" ... the first most important thing is to do whatever I need to do to get back to a calm, safe and functional state of mind.
I also need to get over my fear of disappointing everyone who encouraged me to go for it, when I was presenting this idea as something I wanted to do. I was trying to convince myself, I think .... but I saw through me.
To be clear: I don't freak out like this with just any kind of change, even very big ones. I've been through some very tough times and not flipped. I was scared and depressed, but not like this. This particular brand of crazy only seems to happen when I'm trying to force myself to do something I really don't want to do, like marry the wrong person. It happens when I believe I'm about to commit myself to making a huge and life-altering mistake. I'm trying to learn to trust it, and not hate myself for being "too weak" to just "push through" those fears.
I think when the right opportunity becomes available, I'll be able to give it "the big YES" I've been waiting for here. I won't be dragging my feet and secretly sobbing my guts out in the bathroom between meetings.
I am beyond exhausted. I hope it isn't too late to Not Change Anything – which is what I really want to do – and let the new job be the part-time, freelance gig, if they really need help that badly. That, I would be comfortable with. That, I think I would actually enjoy. That, I could say Big Yes to. So that is what I will propose.
Now that I've decided this, and written it down in flagrant violation of my policy against writing about things like this online, maybe I can finally get some sleep.
I'm also seeing my doctor AND a new shrink on Thursday, in hopes of getting my brain back. Symptoms (if only to remind myself in future years that I really am not making this up):
1. Profuse sweating
2. Racing heart beat
3. Anxiety-induced diarrhea
4. Anxiety-induced nausea
5. Inability to eat
6. Inability to sleep
7. Inability to think
8. Inability to speak
9. Inability to ride a bike
10. Uncontrollable crying for no apparent reason
11. Shaking and trembling
12. Nightmares
13. Staunch belief that I am a complete and total loser
14. Skyrocketing blood sugar
This last one is what finally convinced me this has gone too far. I'm waking up 30 points higher than usual, and it's not because of food – it's because I've been flooded with toxic stress hormones for almost a month. It feels like a super-soaker blasting red-hot adrenaline against my solar plexus all day and all night long.
One good thing I've learned: I'm getting more out of my current job than I had realized. As Mr. A pointed out when I was berating myself for my "tendency to not go for it," I have sacrificed a lot and made a big effort to create a very simple, stress-free life, and the work I do now is part of what makes that possible. The comfort and stability I feel in my routines – even though everything I've said about the situation is still true – has real value, and it's okay to need that. It doesn't mean I'm lazy, stupid, boring or a slacker.
Somehow I guess I was so successful in eliminating major stress that I forgot why I created this life in the first place. It's because of feeling like this. Paralyzed with terror and dread. Sick – really, physically sick. Sick with fear, like I might die. Prone (oh, so prone) to drama.
I don't want to forget this feeling in a few months, when I'm back to beating myself up over how boring I am. I don't want to put myself down or feel guilty for passing on this opportunity. I'm doing this because I need to take care of my health. And if trying to make this change is affecting me this severely, it doesn't really matter if the feelings are coming from inside or outside, past or present, accurate or inaccurate perceptions, or even if they are "appropriate" ... the first most important thing is to do whatever I need to do to get back to a calm, safe and functional state of mind.
I also need to get over my fear of disappointing everyone who encouraged me to go for it, when I was presenting this idea as something I wanted to do. I was trying to convince myself, I think .... but I saw through me.
To be clear: I don't freak out like this with just any kind of change, even very big ones. I've been through some very tough times and not flipped. I was scared and depressed, but not like this. This particular brand of crazy only seems to happen when I'm trying to force myself to do something I really don't want to do, like marry the wrong person. It happens when I believe I'm about to commit myself to making a huge and life-altering mistake. I'm trying to learn to trust it, and not hate myself for being "too weak" to just "push through" those fears.
I think when the right opportunity becomes available, I'll be able to give it "the big YES" I've been waiting for here. I won't be dragging my feet and secretly sobbing my guts out in the bathroom between meetings.
I am beyond exhausted. I hope it isn't too late to Not Change Anything – which is what I really want to do – and let the new job be the part-time, freelance gig, if they really need help that badly. That, I would be comfortable with. That, I think I would actually enjoy. That, I could say Big Yes to. So that is what I will propose.
Now that I've decided this, and written it down in flagrant violation of my policy against writing about things like this online, maybe I can finally get some sleep.
3 Comments:
T, dear, this definitely sounds like the right thing. You cannot argue with the wisdom of a body and mind in all-out rebellion. In a similar way, I knew I could not teach this year -- the thought of teaching incapacitated me.
What is powerful in this post is your absolute clarity. I've had the same clarity to hang onto in my own second guessing of my career decision. I KNOW how I felt back then, and I know I could not make myself do it.
Cheers and love and good luck with making the "unchanges."
--g
Oh, WOW.
I am so sorry you've been feeling so terrible. And, yes, you must get out of this new job. What totally resonates with me is the bit about working hard to achieve a simple stress-free life. That is a major achievement and something that many, many people never figure out how to do or never even realize is key to having a decent quality of life.
I imagine you are going to feel huge relief extricating yourself from the situation.
[Apple key] Z!!!!!! (You're a Mac user right?)
Tina, it sounds like you absolutely did the right thing. i had no idea you were going through such a terrible time with this. I knew you were anxious, but not this.
Good for you for turning the car around, or whatever metaphor works here.
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