What do you do with the fear that you feel
My boss said I can stay. Now all I have to do is tell my friend I've changed my mind about working for the center ... which also terrifies me, but not as much as the thought of going through with it. I know I'm doing what I have to do, but I still feel fragile and shaken, and ashamed of myself – for letting down my friend, for having put myself in this position in the first place, for letting it go so far, blah blah blah.
Looking for some comfort and reassurance I found myself bawling over some old footage of Mr. Rogers on YouTube. He's just a face on a screen, for godsake, and yet hearing him say me he's proud of me, and that he understands how tough it is to look with hope and confidence on the months and years ahead – it made me feel like I might be okay after all.
I like these lines from one of his songs about anger. I'm applying them to the intense, overwhelming emotions I've been dealing with, and the feeling that it's too late to save myself from the events I've put into motion:
"It's great to be able to stop when you've planned a thing that's wrong, and be able to do something else instead... I can stop when I want to, can stop when I wish, can stop, stop, stop anytime. And what a good feeling to feel like this, and know that the feeling is really mine, know that there's something deep inside that helps us become what we can...."
It is a good feeling to trust yourself, and to stop when you're in the middle of something that feels wrong. Not that I think there's anything innately "wrong" in the job I was contemplating ... but it clearly feels wrong for me.
Anyway. I'm hanging in there. And tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to see about getting my brain chemicals back in order. I do not want to let this spiral any further.
Looking for some comfort and reassurance I found myself bawling over some old footage of Mr. Rogers on YouTube. He's just a face on a screen, for godsake, and yet hearing him say me he's proud of me, and that he understands how tough it is to look with hope and confidence on the months and years ahead – it made me feel like I might be okay after all.
I like these lines from one of his songs about anger. I'm applying them to the intense, overwhelming emotions I've been dealing with, and the feeling that it's too late to save myself from the events I've put into motion:
"It's great to be able to stop when you've planned a thing that's wrong, and be able to do something else instead... I can stop when I want to, can stop when I wish, can stop, stop, stop anytime. And what a good feeling to feel like this, and know that the feeling is really mine, know that there's something deep inside that helps us become what we can...."
It is a good feeling to trust yourself, and to stop when you're in the middle of something that feels wrong. Not that I think there's anything innately "wrong" in the job I was contemplating ... but it clearly feels wrong for me.
Anyway. I'm hanging in there. And tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to see about getting my brain chemicals back in order. I do not want to let this spiral any further.
3 Comments:
Rock on, TinaT.
I'm so proud of your taking responsibility for yourself, your wishes, your happiness, your health.
Anybody who can't get on board with that had better git.
Fred Rogers was a genuinely Christlike person; and I mean that in a good way.
(I turned down a job today too. The hiring girl actually tried to lay a guilt trip on me.
But you and I both have reaffirmed that if we wanted to get another job, we're hirable.)
Wow. Mr. Rogers knows what he's talking about.
I'm pretty surprised. Even as a kid, I remember hating those songs of his because they didn't rhyme and in my mind that meant he wasn't playing by the rules. (I am such a Virgo.)
You are doing the right thing!
Mr. Rogers is a god. He was like a boddhistatva. I cried when he died. It's so hard to honor your feelings, and I'm so glad you are doing this. I was talking to my therapist the other day about my feelings in a certain situation, and i was saying, "You know I don't know if I trust my feelings in this situation; I feel so irrational; I don't know where these feelings are coming from, and she stopped me and said, "But they're your feelings. It's what you have, and you should look at them.
She was right.
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