So totally not a badass
This whole thing with the boots has me a little unnerved. Because why am I obsessing over the perfect pair of badass black leather biker boots, when I am neither badass nor a biker? And let's not forget the fact that I promised myself to stop wearing black this year – it's too harsh for someone with my coloring, someone who before you know it is not even going to be a redhead anymore but some kind of pale apricot-color or even white-haired human. A person like me has no business wearing black leather.
Maybe that's why I want it, though. I'm trying to perk myself up by disguising myself as some version of a strong, confident sort of edgey type person. Not that that's a completely unapplicaple description ....
Anyway, it's getting kind of ridiculous. Over the weekend I finally found my old black Frankenstein boots, and they're still wearable and I still like them, so I'm attempting one more iteration of the biker boots and if those don't work, then I'm going to suspend the search for the rest of this winter and move on to other thoughts.
Changing topics, but not really: The other night while trying to make myself fall asleep I watched a documentary about all these so-called "goth" folks who get together to take a cruise from New Jersey to Bermuda and back. I found it pretty depressing for a number of reasons, not least of which was – if your raison d'être is to skulk around in the darkness all the time, why in the world would you take yourself on a cruise to Bermuda? Also, almost without exception the people interviewed for the film seemed kind of aggressive and emotionally stunted, ridiculing the "norms" (their name for the non-goth people who were on the same ship) and going to great lengths to shock them, and then making fun of them when they were shocked, and acting self-righteous and offended at being "judged".... Basically challenging people to react, and then condemning them when they did.
I know not everyone who identifies as goth acts like that, and maybe it's just that the people they chose to interview were the ones who stood out the most, or who came forward wanting to be in the spotlight. And not everyone in the film was that way. Mainly I think it disturbed me because something about it reminded me, uncomfortably, of myself, and how wrapped up in image I get sometimes. I don't think I'm aggressive with people like that, but I definitely spend more time than I would like to, thinking about how I'm perceived and judged by others. It's ego-attachment, and it doesn't make me happy. With practice I'm getting better at staying open when I believe I'm being judged. But it doesn't come easy. I feel aggressive too, when I think I'm under attack. Unpleasant to see how ugly that makes people.
Changing topics again, but not really (again): My friend who assaulted my other friend has taken down his blog, and today when I was checking to see if he'd put it back up I found a notice saying that he's changing blogging services, and anyone who wants to know his new address should email him. I do want to know the new address, but I don't want to ask him for it. Surely I'm not as stunned and saddened as he probably is, but I'm still feeling pretty shocked at the loss of this friend, and at what I've learned about him in the aftermath.
In particular I keep thinking back to a time last summer when I saw him, and had a really nice visit, and then a week or so later he asked if he'd done anything during our visit that had made me uncomfortable, and I told him no. And it was true, he hadn't. I also told him if he ever did make me uncomfortable, I would tell him, and I truly meant it. But then when it came down to the night of that party, I just sat there and watched him running increasingly amok, and said nothing. Did nothing. At one point I felt myself getting so angry I started to stand up to leave the room, but then I realized that that would be sort of akin to making a scene or a statement, and I didn't want to draw undue attention to myself, so I decided to keep my space and just sort of chill, sit with the energy, experience it ....
I'm not saying what he did later that night was in any way my fault. But I do feel I kind of let him down by not following through with my promise to tell him if I felt he was getting out of line. If he'd been out of line with me, I would have, most definitely – and I'm sure he knew that, and that's why he never did get out of line with me. It didn't occur to me until later that if I'd been a little more self-aware in that moment, and a little less preoccupied with trying to imagine what everyone else might have thought of me, I might have been able to intervene and connect with him in a healthy, truthful, loving way and the night might have turned out differently.
Nevermind that (as Mr. A has often reminded me) most people don't want to be "helped" like that. Most people, if you try to butt in uninvited, will tell you to f* off and mind your own effing business.
Anyway. Still processing. The main lesson I've learned so far is one I already know, and just keep learning again and again – or trying to learn – and that is, never be afraid to simply speak the truth. Tell the truth, and be kind. My top two (only two) Rules To Live By. I think I even said that to him just a few days before the party ... can't remember how it came up, but I never pass up an opportunity to proselytize. Practicing what I preach, however ... that's the tricky part. I do try.
Except in this case. In this case, I missed a powerful opportunity to do both of those things.
Again: I'm not in any way taking on responsibility for any actions that were not my own. Just thinking about what my actions and inaction contributed to the situation.
And wondering what is the most kind, truthful and ... I don't know, useful? thing to do next.
P.S. I feel like I have to acknowledge that it could appear passive-aggressive to write about a person I know might read what I'm writing, when I'm unwilling to actually talk with the person directly. Blogging is a strange way to try to sort out your feelings ... the possibility of using it to facilitate some kind of dysfunctional sideways communication about things that are too awkward to address directly ... I suppose that's always there. That's really not what I'm trying to do though. My only purpose in writing here is to create a record of how I feel and what I think Right Now. Simple as that.
Maybe that's why I want it, though. I'm trying to perk myself up by disguising myself as some version of a strong, confident sort of edgey type person. Not that that's a completely unapplicaple description ....
Anyway, it's getting kind of ridiculous. Over the weekend I finally found my old black Frankenstein boots, and they're still wearable and I still like them, so I'm attempting one more iteration of the biker boots and if those don't work, then I'm going to suspend the search for the rest of this winter and move on to other thoughts.
Changing topics, but not really: The other night while trying to make myself fall asleep I watched a documentary about all these so-called "goth" folks who get together to take a cruise from New Jersey to Bermuda and back. I found it pretty depressing for a number of reasons, not least of which was – if your raison d'être is to skulk around in the darkness all the time, why in the world would you take yourself on a cruise to Bermuda? Also, almost without exception the people interviewed for the film seemed kind of aggressive and emotionally stunted, ridiculing the "norms" (their name for the non-goth people who were on the same ship) and going to great lengths to shock them, and then making fun of them when they were shocked, and acting self-righteous and offended at being "judged".... Basically challenging people to react, and then condemning them when they did.
I know not everyone who identifies as goth acts like that, and maybe it's just that the people they chose to interview were the ones who stood out the most, or who came forward wanting to be in the spotlight. And not everyone in the film was that way. Mainly I think it disturbed me because something about it reminded me, uncomfortably, of myself, and how wrapped up in image I get sometimes. I don't think I'm aggressive with people like that, but I definitely spend more time than I would like to, thinking about how I'm perceived and judged by others. It's ego-attachment, and it doesn't make me happy. With practice I'm getting better at staying open when I believe I'm being judged. But it doesn't come easy. I feel aggressive too, when I think I'm under attack. Unpleasant to see how ugly that makes people.
Changing topics again, but not really (again): My friend who assaulted my other friend has taken down his blog, and today when I was checking to see if he'd put it back up I found a notice saying that he's changing blogging services, and anyone who wants to know his new address should email him. I do want to know the new address, but I don't want to ask him for it. Surely I'm not as stunned and saddened as he probably is, but I'm still feeling pretty shocked at the loss of this friend, and at what I've learned about him in the aftermath.
In particular I keep thinking back to a time last summer when I saw him, and had a really nice visit, and then a week or so later he asked if he'd done anything during our visit that had made me uncomfortable, and I told him no. And it was true, he hadn't. I also told him if he ever did make me uncomfortable, I would tell him, and I truly meant it. But then when it came down to the night of that party, I just sat there and watched him running increasingly amok, and said nothing. Did nothing. At one point I felt myself getting so angry I started to stand up to leave the room, but then I realized that that would be sort of akin to making a scene or a statement, and I didn't want to draw undue attention to myself, so I decided to keep my space and just sort of chill, sit with the energy, experience it ....
I'm not saying what he did later that night was in any way my fault. But I do feel I kind of let him down by not following through with my promise to tell him if I felt he was getting out of line. If he'd been out of line with me, I would have, most definitely – and I'm sure he knew that, and that's why he never did get out of line with me. It didn't occur to me until later that if I'd been a little more self-aware in that moment, and a little less preoccupied with trying to imagine what everyone else might have thought of me, I might have been able to intervene and connect with him in a healthy, truthful, loving way and the night might have turned out differently.
Nevermind that (as Mr. A has often reminded me) most people don't want to be "helped" like that. Most people, if you try to butt in uninvited, will tell you to f* off and mind your own effing business.
Anyway. Still processing. The main lesson I've learned so far is one I already know, and just keep learning again and again – or trying to learn – and that is, never be afraid to simply speak the truth. Tell the truth, and be kind. My top two (only two) Rules To Live By. I think I even said that to him just a few days before the party ... can't remember how it came up, but I never pass up an opportunity to proselytize. Practicing what I preach, however ... that's the tricky part. I do try.
Except in this case. In this case, I missed a powerful opportunity to do both of those things.
Again: I'm not in any way taking on responsibility for any actions that were not my own. Just thinking about what my actions and inaction contributed to the situation.
And wondering what is the most kind, truthful and ... I don't know, useful? thing to do next.
P.S. I feel like I have to acknowledge that it could appear passive-aggressive to write about a person I know might read what I'm writing, when I'm unwilling to actually talk with the person directly. Blogging is a strange way to try to sort out your feelings ... the possibility of using it to facilitate some kind of dysfunctional sideways communication about things that are too awkward to address directly ... I suppose that's always there. That's really not what I'm trying to do though. My only purpose in writing here is to create a record of how I feel and what I think Right Now. Simple as that.
Labels: shoes, the events in question
1 Comments:
Passive aggression is appropriate when you're working with someone else stronger in a power-incongruent relationship.
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