Rains but pours

And yet another opportunity to examine my boundaries – someone I know, one of the first people I met here in fact, has just gone through a long and painful breakup, and has been away for several months working, and is now back in town for a few weeks and wants to camp out in our back field for "one or two weeks." There are a number of reasons why I don't want this person staying here, but really all I want to record here is that it took me several days to return his call, because I was so nervous about telling him how I felt. Finally today I realized that the very fact I was feeling that nervous was proof that I was doing the right thing by saying "no." So I called and told him, and it was actually fine.

I also realized that the primary reason I was feeling so anxious about talking to him was not because I necessarily thought he would argue with me and insist on staying even though I don't want him to, but more because refusing "shelter" (the word he used in his voicemail) to someone who thinks of me as a friend clashes with my view of myself as a generous, compassionate friend. Which in turn forced me to acknowledge to myself that I don't really think of this person as a close friend, and in fact many of his actions over the years have made me want to avoid getting any closer.

That kind of thing isn't pleasant for me to admit. If I'm really a good person, shouldn't I like everyone the same? And shouldn't I be willing to help everyone I can, whether I really like them a lot, or not?

Hogwash, of course. But these are the channels my mind finds its way back to when it's under stress. And receiving messages day after day and feeling too guilty and conflicted to return them has been very stressful!

Several other cool things happened this weekend. It rained again and everything is still very lush and green – beautiful. Yesterday we drove a couple of hours north to look at a vintage handbuilt mountain bike Mr. A found on Craig's List or somewhere. He knows quite a lot about these things and thought it sounded like a pretty rare find, and as it turns out it was built by somebody who later became famous for his handbuilt frames, though of course I have no idea what his name is.

Last night I made a lot of progress on my current freelance project, which is turning out kind of better than I had been picturing it. I've worked most of the last two weekends on it and I'm happy. There are still a couple of technical things to figure out but so far no major glitches.

And today we went to a mall down in Marin and I found the pants that are going to be the cornerstone of my spring uniform! Totally unexpected to find them there – I was actually looking for jeans to replace my fat jeans that don't fit anymore – but I happened to notice a sale rack next to the door and there they were, and they are the most perfect fitting pants I've had in many, many years. They're a variation on my habitual green canvas cargo pants, if you must know, but these have a lighter, slightly stretchy fabric and a skinny cut and lots of zippers. Perfect color, perfect fabric, perfect pockets, perfect rise. I would've bought several pairs if they'd had them.

Finally, when we got back to town I dropped off Mr. A at home and went shopping for dinner, and by the time I got home he'd made a new rustic wood top for the new little outdoor breakfast table I picked up at a yard sale a few weeks ago. It came with a round glass top, which is sitting on its side, wrapped in a towel, in the space between the back of the washing machine and the garage wall, for fear I'll manage to crack it in half before it's warm enough outside to eat breakfast on it. Which I plan to do first thing in the morning, if I can drag myself away from the computer long enough to get a little sleep.