Sadder than I wanna be

For some reason I guess I really did think that knowing it was coming would prevent me from feeling it so deeply when it finally did happen. It's strange to be reminded so inescapably that I am not as strong as I always think I am. I'm still glad I stayed with him and held him while he died, but was not prepared to feel this sad and sort of ... disoriented.

I've had some of my usual anxiety dreams again, waking up crying or drenched in adrenaline. Knowing it's a natural reaction to the stress of grief and change – that helps me not get too wrapped up in freaking out over it. I know it will pass. It's still distressing while it's happening, though.

I keep thinking I see him lying in his corner, or walking through the door. I turned around in my chair just now to look at his bowl, which we'd left where it always was, and noticed Mr. A has put it away somewhere. That feels strange too. I wasn't going to move it. I wondered when he would do it. It must have been this afternoon – it was still there this morning. I know because I checked it, like I always do, to make sure he'd eaten all of his breakfast. Which, of course, he had not.

Feeling the life drain out of someone you've known for five years ... is something. Feeling his breath slow, and stop. Feeling his heart beat fade away to nothing. It would be strange NOT to be affected. And yet I feel grateful for the experience, though I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because it makes Life seem so real and vivid, and precious. It really doesn't go on forever.

I also keep thinking about that guy who tried to run me off the road last month. What if he really had killed me? I've known lots of people who've been killed by cars and always hope that when I die it has nothing to do with a car – I hate the thought of essentially being crushed to death by a big metal machine. My thoughts about the guy himself, though, have been strangely benevolent ... in a weird way I've sort of come around to thanking him for the reminder that it's really up to me to take care of myself out there, to always remember that I am a precious, fragile living being and that the person most capable of making sure I stay healthy and safe for as long as possible is ME.

So strange, to think of my own death someday. Incomprehensible. Still, no more incomprehensible than the thought of my own life. Anybody's life.

Anyway. Dark thoughts, dark night. Better try and get some sleep.