Much better, thank you

Lest anyone worry overmuch, I feel a lot better today. Why? No idea – but I'll take it.

Maybe this IS hormonal. Am I having a hot flash? My gyno thinks I'm still a few years away from that, but how could anyone know for sure?

In any case, the Rx is the same as always: ixnay on the caffeine, increase exercise, simplify diet, drink tons of water, and stick to a regular sleep/wake schedule. And talk to people – do not under any conditions isolate myself! Tonight I've organized a little drinky snacky thing with some friends from work, including one whose father passed away last month.

I know I mentioned I was helping her a bit there toward the end ... Well, he did finally go. The flyer for his memorial had a collage of photos of him from throughout his life, and I spent a good long time looking at them. It was humbling to recognize the gleaming, muscular, shining-haired 26-year-old caught mid-swan dive, soaring in perfect form against a perfect sky ... in the fragile 89-year-old man he became.

Having turned 44 this summer I'm still considering myself in my prime of life. And am doing my best to enjoy it as long as it lasts, as well as attempting to arrange things so that I can continue to enjoy my life as long as IT lasts. Cancer probably isn't the worst way to go; at least you'd have some time to wrap things up, say good-bye, and get rid of anything embarrassing you wouldn't want your mother to find ..... A heart attack could also be good, as long as it was quick and final. Strokes, not so much. Although I watched that documentary about Ram Dass recently and realized even paralysis might be workable, as long as my mind still more or less works.

So yeah, cheerful thoughts! I guess for me, today, the thing I want to remember is that even though my "health issues" have not been a lot of fun, my experience has shown me that I'm capable of dealing with them. And even though technically I do have at least two chronic illnesses, I don't think of myself as "chronically ill" or even unhealthy – just someone who has a couple of extra angles to keep an eye on.

It does seem useful, though, sometimes, to apply the label "chronically ill" and see how it fits. I don't really identify with it, but I also don't want to dissociate myself from it. There may be strength in claiming it as part of my identity, if not now, then someday. People who need help should be able to ask for and receive it, and that doesn't happen if they can't acknowledge what is happening with them.

Anyway. For today I'm OK. And grateful to be.