Free at last

So this morning I was laid off from my job – you know, the one I've been complaining about for the last five years? True, the whole newspaper industry and this newspaper in particular has been dying a slow death for quite awhile now, but somehow I still didn't see it coming. At least not for me. If anyone was going to be gotten rid of, I would've thought it would be ... not me. Because for a long time it's been generally acknowledged that in terms of skills, dedication and quality of work, I was the most valuable employee in my department. Apparently I was also the most expensive, not to mention the most recently hired. Ergo, the most expendable.

So – out I go.

Now I'm sitting at my desk at home trying to let it sink in. I don't work there anymore. After I got the news I walked back to my desk, got my bike and left without talking to anyone. My (former) boss will let me in again after hours tonight, to get my stuff – because I don't want to talk to anyone then, either. And after that, I hope never to have to spend another minute in that hideous bunker ever again. We can all meet for drinks and decompress later (I'm not the only one who got axed) – just not today.

Right now I feel angry. I've spent the last five years watching them make one stupid decision after another, wasting opportunities and squandering resources on "digital" projects and equipment that anyone with an ounce of industry experience could see were never going to produce a return. This is separate from the economy in general and the newspaper business in particular – this is just bad judgment and misplaced familial pride. My suggestions and recommendations for projects that actually COULD make money were never used, for no better reason than that the person they've decided to put in charge is incapable of following through, and nobody else is allowed to do anything.

I've never talked much about any of this here because I didn't want to take a chance of having them find this blog and fire me. Now that that threat is gone, I find I just don't have the energy or desire to think about it anymore. The course this job would run was clear to me from the day I was hired, and now I've played it out. I don't feel any satisfaction in seeing my dire predictions coming true though – not only because it means I'm now out of work, but because it's sad to see the whole place going to shit when it really didn't have to.

As Mr. A pointed out (thank god he's home today – Friday is his state-mandated furlough day), it's not like they took away my dream job. It's never been that.

What I will miss more than anything is my commute – I've really come to love that ride. Also, I like most of my (former) co-workers and will miss seeing them every day. I liked having the job title "Art Director" but even I have to admit that was more just a way for them to make me feel better about continuing to work there (in lieu of a raise, ever), than a real description of the job. I loved my schedule, with three free mornings a week. The thought of going back to a 40+ hour a week commuter job where I have to drive in traffic and dress up every day makes me lose my will to live.

I also don't love the idea of being dumped onto the job market with no notice and no severance, when there are already so many other people looking for the same jobs I'm going to be trying to get.

Health insurance is another thing. I am told that a new government subsidy will pay for 65% of my COBRA coverage, which will help a lot (thanks, Obama!). But because of my "pre-existing condition" I can't buy my own coverage, which means that I can't really consider taking any job that doesn't include benefits – so that reduces the size of the pool of available jobs by quite a bit.

But that's getting ahead of myself. First I have to decide what I'm going to do. I've been thinking about going back to school for years ... maybe now's the time. We've also talked about getting a puppy – what better time than when one of us is actually going to be home all day, at least for awhile? – and stepping up work on some of the house and yard projects (kitchen remodel, flooring, chicken coops,etc.). I'll probably take a couple of weeks and do some trips, visit my family, see some friends, maybe even take a real vacation. There's also yoga, hiking, cooking, taking care of the house, researching new career possibilities, etc. etc. etc. ....

This is assuming I'll have the time. It's also possible I'll get lucky and fall into a great job right away; you never really know how long it's going to take to get re-settled into something new. Several weeks ago I was looking at Craigslist and realizing that the money I was making at my (now former) job was actually pretty good for around here ... which made me feel better about being there, and which now makes me feel more nervous about trying to find something else. But maybe I won't keep doing that kind of work. Maybe I will end up commuting again. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

It would be cool to work somewhere again where I'd be rewarded for my commitment to always doing my best work, instead of getting yelled at for "giving the clients more than they're paying for." Which I always thought was pretty bizarre, considering there was nothing (and I mean Nothing) else for us to do.

Anyway. Enough for now.