Sicko

I haven't seen the movie yet but I'm having the experience – I am sick, sick, sick. Two weeks of working late and working weekends was not enough to bring me down, but working all those hours surrounded by other people who insist on coming to work when they are SICK – that, my immune system could not tolerate. And then I did it myself, simply because there was still so much work to do – I broke my own rule and went to work sick. Which only made everything worse. Oh well! At least I did finally get everything done.

I rewarded myself by taking a day off yesterday though, and again today. This is the worst cold I've had since ... the last time I had a cold, I guess. That was last winter, and it took me almost two months to get completely clear of it. I now think that was because my blood sugar was so astronomically high then, though of course I didn't know it at the time; high blood sugar inhibits healing of all kinds of infections, which is why diabetics so often end up losing toes, feet and legs to amputation – even the tiniest little blister or abrasion can become life-threatening when the body isn't able to heal it.

Cheerful thoughts for a bright and blustery winter afternoon, eh? Or is it winter yet? I guess not yet. It's still fall.

We had a nice enough Thanksgiving, even though I ended up working most of the weekend. I finally bought the new computer, which will be good – it's a 24" iMac, less than a year old, that I got from someone who wanted to upgrade to the new silver iMac, the one I tried and rejected because I don't like the highly reflective slick glass screen. It cost me a thousand bucks less than the comparable silver one would have, runs the same OS and software, and still has two years left on its warranty.

I also bought a new mattress, though it hasn't been delivered yet. After doing way more research than any normal person should, I decided to spend about twice as much as I would have on a conventional mattress, and get a natural latex mattress with an organic cotton and locally-grown wool cover. It has all kinds of certifications to prove it's nontoxic, fair-trade, sustainably grown, blah blah blah ... and it's comfortable, and it doesn't smell funny, and the people I bought it from were nice, crunchy folks who seem like they're genuinely trying to do a good thing with their business.

Spending all that money all at once makes me feel nervous. I'm glad to be able to work at home again though, and looking forward to sleeping well again, I hope. It's been a long time.

It's awful how being sick and exhausted makes everything seem so totally un-do-able. Yesterday I didn't even have enough energy to watch tv – all I did was sleep. The fact that I feel bored and restless today, in addition to feeling exhausted and depressed, could indicate I'm on the mend. I can imagine wanting to do something, but I can't seem to get myself up off the couch to actually DO it.

Even though I know it's normal to feel depressed when you're as sick as I've been (or is it?), every time I feel this way I start to get scared that I might be falling into another serious depression. It's that time of year. And I do seem to have been feeling kind of rotten for such a long time. Not being able to breathe doesn't help either. Plus, I found out on Monday that I will probably have to cancel a trip I had planned for next week, because I have to fly to Las Vegas for a press check.

Anyway, I'm thinking I might want to start seeing a therapist again. Even if I'm not getting depressed again, everything seems to affect me so much more than it should, and it seems like it's getting harder for me to rise above the negativity I keep finding myself surrounded by, at work and at home ... I just don't feel like myself lately. And I kind of want Me back.