Melrose marathon!

Yesterday we had another monster storm and I took advantage of the day inside to finally sort out the big box of old mail, receipts, notebooks, postcards, bandaids, lip gloss, pencils, paper clips, ribbons, strings, ziploc bags and other assorted detritus that I've been dumping in there every time I go on a trip and have to empty out my big red messenger bag, to lighten my load for the hike through the airport. To help pass the time while sorting (and because watching tv online is still a novelty for us) we ended up spending the entire day watching old episodes of Melrose Place back to back – almost eleven hours worth.

I had forgotten how much I used to love/hate that show, how trashy it was, how young everyone looked, how big their hair was and how high the waistline on their skin-tight white Levi cutoffs! Alison – so uptight and self-righteous! Billy – so arrogant and smug! Jake, troubled and brooding! Jane, earnest and sweet! Et cetera! Then there were the characters I'd forgotten all about – Rhonda, the sassy African-American aerobics instructor – Sandy, the tattered Southern belle – the corrupt and egomaniacal Dr. Peter Burns!

Television is so ... hrrmmph. I guess there's a reason why I don't watch much. It was fun having it on in the background while I was working on that pile of stuff yesterday, but really – what a waste of time.

Anywho. Another thing it's good for is when you can't sleep, which I haven't been doing lately. Not sure why; maybe adjusting to the lack of caffeine, maybe working too much, maybe it's because spring is coming early and the light is changing. It's not anxiety-based, like it used to be – it feels more like just being happy and excited. I can't get my mind to stop thinking about all the projects I'm planning, things I want to make, trips I want to take. It's a good feeling – I just wish I could get it to kick in early in the morning instead of late at night when I need to be asleep.

I got some homeopathic "go to sleep" pastilles and a new valerian tincture that seems to help some. I got the glycerine-based tincture instead of the alcohol-based one, hoping the sweetness would mitigate the musty smell and taste of the valerian ... which it doesn't. It's the moldiest one I've ever tasted! It works though. And really, I don't mind the taste as long as I pay attention to it and remember what I'm drinking. It's very medicine-like. I remember my old cat used to love it, too.

Getting back on my bike will also be good. I had a rotten cold all last week and between that and the weather (plus raging PMS followed by intense cramps) I didn't get any exercise to speak of all week. Maybe a little restorative yoga would be good, or a warm bath in the dark, with a candle and some lavender oil.

Well. It's not even all that late yet and already I'm getting nervous about not being able to sleep tonight! It seems like I go through this every spring though; it always seems to resolve itself eventually.

The lipstick!

I'm glad you asked.

I love this stuff! First of all, it smells sort of vaguely rose-like, which is nice at this time of year. Second, it really stains the lips – and I'm always looking for a good strong stain, since I'm too lazy to keep remembering to reapply lipstick all day long.

Third, it is not glossy, slippery, or "super-moisturizing" – in other words, it does not float on top of the lips like an oil slick, only to smear or be wiped away the first time I pull my sweater over my head, or absent-mindedly pass my sleeve across my face while reaching for something on a high shelf. It sort of more sticks to the lips, bringing me to ponder the name of the product: is it because it's shaped like a stick, or because it's sticky? Hmm. Personally, I prefer a formulation that stays put. I'm thinking of the waxy old lipsticks my sister and I found in my grandmother's basement after she died ... who knows what was in them, but they really did stay on. I wish I'd kept one of them, just for comparison.

Fourth, it comes in a gold metal tube, which I like because I'm trying to get plastic of my life right now. Plus, it won't crack if you accidentally step on it while getting out of the car (assuming you've just dropped the entire contents of your dirty red messenger bag on the ground while descending from the cab of a truck that is everlastingly too tall).

Fifth, it's supposed to be good for you. All holistic & shizzit. Shea butter, carrot extract, rose and jojoba waxes, plus "colors from nature" to highlight your natural tones ... I'm quoting the Web site, which has all kinds of good information about how to take care of your skin and body AND the earth, "naturally and holistically," while spending inordinate amounts of money on yourself, and at the same time, somehow supporting good causes around the world – so even though it's makeup, and rather expensive (or maybe not – twenty bucks and change for a lipstick, plus shipping?), you can feel good about yourself for being part of something positive. Here's more info about the company's "ethical business initiatives." Anyway, I hardly ever buy or wear makeup, so I figure it's okay to spend a few bucks once or twice a year when I do feel like getting something. (Translation: I'm not vain, I promise! And why do I always feel the need to justify myself?)

They make a great sunscreen too, though I now understand the whole "protect yourself from skin cancer" schtick is nothing more than a marketing scheme to sell more products by increasing fear ... Whatever. I never wore it as a kid, or any time at all until just a few years ago, and now I wish I had. Or that I'd worn hats or something. Wrinkles are appearing. Anyway – I like the sunscreen for sensitive skin, and the quince day cream.

And now: off to the northerly parts of the valley, to return a cute little alarm clock I bought on impulse last weekend, only to find out it (alas) does not keep time worth a damn.

By the way – the #6 totally reminds me of you, J (it's why I picked it!). It's more like the red in the big tube above, not like the little round sample smear.

The return of colors /To toast, or not to toast

Last weekend I bought myself a couple of new t-shirts to celebrate the spring, which seems to be coming early this year. The shirts are identical, long-sleeved organic cotton t-shirts and they are a warm and vivid yellow-green color that I have loved for as long as I can remember. Actually, they're not quite identical – they're two different sizes, a medium (which is just a little too big) and a small (just a little too little).

Whenever I find something I really like, I like to get two of them, just in case one ends up with jam on the front, or mayonnaise, or ink, or some other irrevocable disaster. In this case, I got different sizes because I'm still entertaining hopes of being able to lose about the same amount of weight again that I've already lost, and if I do that, then the big one really won't fit anymore.

One can always dream, anyway. My "no sugar" experiment is going fine – I decided not to outlaw fruit this time, just to give myself access to the vitamins my nutritionist assures me are to be found therein, but I haven't been craving it so I haven't been eating that, either. I don't know if I've lost any weight yet though; I haven't weighed myself since I started, and anyway, our scale is horribly inaccurate. It gives a different number every time I get on it.

The point is, I'm feeling good and not craving sweets. I think I forgot to mention that I had another A1C at the beginning of February, and it did go up a bit – .7%, which is not bad, considering the freedom I gave myself over the holidays to eat pretty much whatever I wanted (though in smaller amounts than I wanted). Still, I want it to NEVER go up again. If anything, I want it to go down a little, or at least stay where it was. However, even with this latest little rise it's still safely in the non-diabetic range, so I'm not going to beat myself up too much.

It's worth noting that within the first week of my sugar fast I was getting morning numbers in the 80s again (down from the low 100s), and this morning it was 76, which may be the lowest it's ever been – so there's no question that skipping the sugar is doing me good. Although lower is not necessarily better after a point. That 76 gave me kind of a start, to tell you the truth. I haven't had any problems going too low so far, and the medication I take doesn't cause hypos, but that – that seemed pretty low to me. The problem being, that if it gets TOO low, your liver may kick in and send you shooting up high again. The goal as I understand it is to try to minimize the fluctuations – no super highs, no super lows. Limiting my carbs to 75 grams or less a day seems to be doing the trick.

So maybe Easter will come and go and I'll decide to just keep doing this indefinitely.

Today I am feeling extremely hormonal, though, and definitely wanting to eat lots and lots of sugar. Bread, actually; that's what I want. When I was on my trip last week I was sitting in this cafe with some friends and literally could not take my eyes off the thick crusty slice of warm buttered toast this woman at the next table kept lifting to her lips, absent-mindedly, as if to take a big crunchy deliciously satisfying bite ... and then ... not biting ... she was talking on the phone. Then she would put it back on the plate. Then pick it up again.

Staring at that toast I felt like a pious, raw-boned ascetic who'd been just innocently walking past a window, only to catch sight of a beautiful luscious young woman behind the curtains, with soft hair and moist pink lips, trying on lingerie ... I know I shouldn't even think about such things! It can only lead to trouble. And yet, knowing that I really am not going to order a plate of toast for myself, and knowing that on a deeper, and profoundly self-loving level I'm really okay with that – I've chosen that – because I know it's what's best for me – is it really so wrong if I peer through the window for just a few minutes, and take a little pleasure in another person's enjoyment of the thing I can't have?

Because the point is not to punish or deny myself – it's just the opposite! I'm trying to be good to myself. And if I did have some toast one day, even a whole plate of it – and I mean real homemade toast, with sesame seeds, butter and a golden, crunchy crust – that would not be the end of the world. Maybe after Easter I'll have some.

In the meantime: I'm happy with my new spring green t-shirts. For months I've been wearing my winter uniform of one pair of jeans, one pair of boots, various assorted black long underwear, and one sweater each in black, brown and gray. When I put on the t-shirt the other day it was like jumping into the pool for the first time in summer.

Another thing: A few weeks ago on a Saturday night I was wandering around the grocery store and happened upon a pair of young blond sister missionaries. I couldn't resist introducing myself, and we had a nice conversation (including the obligatory but still somehow good-natured inquiries as to why I stopped going to church – interesting how the culture allows such personal questions from two people I'd never seen before!) that lasted about 20 minutes. After I turned into another aisle to continue shopping I noticed a strange, tight feeling in my face ... and realized it was frozen in a Molly Mormon-type grin, a grin so wide – well, it couldn't have been any wider. I'd been grinning at them the entire time, as they had been grinning at me, and not that there's anything wrong with grinning like that ... but it struck me as funny, I'm just not in the habit of doing it anymore. I usually keep my face more just ... relaxed. Pleasant, I like to think. But not grinning.

I remember the first few weeks in my new office after I moved back to Utah from San Francisco in 1990, I really noticed it then, too. It seemed like everyone was smiling – smiling hard – for no apparent reason, all the time. It might not even be going too far to say they were almost grimacing.

"What do they want from me?" I remember growling (inwardly).

P.S. One more color: new lipstick, Dr. Hauschka #6 – Fortissimo, a bright, true red! Not really the most flattering color on me, but I love it anyway ... all the better for smiling at you with – or crunching down on a slice of hot buttered toast!

Plate of shrimp

Tonight I celebrated our new cable service by watching Repo Man on demand. Mr. A had not seen it before and I couldn't bring myself to refrain from quoting every funny line in the movie, just seconds before the character on screen said it ....

Now I'm celebrating our high-speed Internet service by writing this entry.

A lot has been happening lately; I've been busier than I like to be, for several weeks. Funny how the work expands to fill the available time – I'm working on some freelance projects, getting about a million errands done, losing a little weight again (more on that later), and even had time for a quick trip back to the Northwest for a little shot of lush, green, gorgeous city energy.

Lent started last week, and I started a few new practices ... I think I decided last year not to call what I'm doing "observing Lent," though, because I'm not Catholic. For awhile I was calling it "Spring Training," or "Spring Discipline." Maybe Spring Practice Period? In any case, I'm following the timeline they've established for Lent, which goes from the day after Fat Tuesday (which was a week ago today) until Easter.

When is Easter this year, anyway?

What I'm doing (this is such a quick and poorly written entry ... sorry!): eating only foods that have no sugar added (am not eschewing fruit this year, or toast, at least not any more than usual), cutting waaaaaay down on the caffeine (gradually, so as not to induce a headache), and attempting to focus on the Fourth Wonderful Precept, which has to do with Mindful Speech:

Aware of suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to the suffering of others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or bring suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that can inspire self confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain, and not to criticize or condemn things I am not sure of. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, even small.

Things have been so crazy at my office lately, and certain people and situations there have been inspiring such frustration, anxiety and anger in me, that I've found myself speaking in ways I know are not skillful or helpful almost every day I go to work. It's so tempting to try to blow off steam in a bad situation by talking shit about whatever (whomever) I am feeling that way about. I know this doesn't change the situation though, or even make me feel better, really; in fact, as I've been paying attention to how it does make me feel, I've noticed it usually only seems to inflame the negative emotions I'm trying to get rid of.

So I'm trying to remember to Not do that anymore.

A note about my trip to Portland: First, I'm feeling weird writing about it, because there are three people I know & love who live there, who I did not call when I was in town because it was such a quick trip I knew I wasn't going to have time to see them. Same goes for a trip to Utah last month ... one of the pitfalls of always having to get in and out of town so fast. But – aside from that, I had such a great time there! The friends I visited are some of my favorite people in the world, and the city itself feels so different from here. It really made me aware of how small this place really is, and how tired I'm getting of limiting myself to such a tiny playground.

I will elaborate on all this and more some other time.