New smell

I did something last week I've never done before – I bought something based on a sample that arrived in a package with something else I bought online. It was in one of those little tiny glass vials with the name of the stuff stuck on with a little white laser-printed label, nothing special, but I became obsessed with it after I spilled it on my sweater sleeve – obsessed to the point I kept catching myself sniffing my sleeve, and wearing the same sweater two or three days in a row, and finally realized I was putting off dropping that sweater into the laundry because I did not want to lose that yummy sweet caramelly-vanilla smell. Like cotton candy in a bottle.

And hey, it's funny, but I just this moment realized what this is really about – it's the smell of my old beloved Diet Pepsi Jazz! THAT's why it seemed so familiar ... that's why I was instantly hooked! Wow.

Anyway, the big bottle arrived today along with a few more goodies, and I know it's embarrassing to like the kind of perfume a 12-year-old girl would think is just delicious, but, well, I do like it. It IS delicious! And if it keeps me from going crazy over all the cookies, cakes, candy, fruit, bread and other carby comfort foods over the holidays, that will be twenty bucks well spent.

In other news, I've been thinking about the nature of aggression and finding it kind of disturbing to see how easily I can be antagonized when I feel threatened. Tonight on my way home from work I crossed lanes in light traffic – seriously, with about a half a block before the next car was due to pass me, and I did have all my lights on and signaled and everything, and there was plenty of room – when this lady zoomed in close as she drove by and leaned on her car horn and about scared the living @$#*& out of me.

I'm well aware that there are people out there who think bicycles do not belong on the road. Those people don't care that I'm legally entitled to take a full lane if I need to – not that I ever do – or how considerate I am of other vehicles, or how persnickety I am about following every single rule of the road down to the letter, even when nobody's watching – they think the road belongs to cars, and cars only, and they will go out of their way every time to make sure nobody feels safe on the road unless they're in their own private metal, glass and plastic cage (and maybe not even then).

After tonight's incident I had about 20 minutes to ride before I got home, so I spent that time pedaling as fast and hard as I could – to use up the adrenaline – and thinking angry, violent thoughts that were so alarming I don't even want to write them down here. I would never do the things I was thinking about doing, but I decided to let my thoughts do their own thing in that direction for awhile and see where they ended up.

Not surprisingly, the anger dissipated pretty fast and the thought of actually making contact with a soft, warm human body – with bat or boot or brick – sort of made me nauseous. Hard to imagine how people might feel who have actually done that kind of thing, physically brutalized another person ... I can see how it would be a total rush in that moment. But also, a total horror show just as soon as the stress chemicals settled down again.

My personal experience with physical violence has been so minimal I hardly know how to even talk about it. I don't even like to think about it. For people all over the world though it's a reality they live with every day. The news is full of it – one reason I don't watch the news anymore.

Maybe there isn't any reason to think about violence and aggression. Except that ... I find myself really wanting to avoid it. I hate it. I have gone to great lengths to avoid conflict in my life, more than most people, I think. It's kind of held me back, in some ways. Not that I want to go looking for violence and conflict – but I'd like to feel more capable of dealing with them when they come up. Because those experiences are part of life. They are going to come up. Maybe if I could learn how to stay calm, think clearly and hold my center in the face of aggression, instead of running away – or returning it – I might be able to get more of what I want out of life.

It makes me think of that story of the old monk who was the last person left in the village after everyone else had fled, knowing that a brutal army was on its way into town. When the general and his minions arrived, they found the monk still sitting where he'd been sitting all day, meditating peacefully. "What are you still doing here?" the general roared, holding his sword to the monk's neck. "Don't you know I'm the kind of man who could run you through with this sword without blinking an eye?!"

"And I'm the kind of a man who could let you run me through with a sword, without blinking an eye," said the monk.

Just something I've been thinking about.