Another sunny day

(Click here to download the soundtrack to this entry.)

I was sorting through the folders on my computer this afternoon and ran across this guy. I don't remember where I got the picture but I'm glad I kept it. The look on his face makes me feel calmer about my present state of uncertainty, reminds me that even when I think I know exactly what's happening and where I'm headed – nobody ever really knows, until they get there. And so it's OK to let go sometimes, and see where my life takes me. Try and have a little faith.

In one of those documentaries about the stock market crash I saw an interview with a couple of elderly guys who'd been stock brokers on the floor the day it happened. They talked about what it was like that day, seeing guys just walking around stunned – and later, hearing about people jumping out of their office windows rather than face financial ruin. "It's not like everyone was committing suicide," they said. "But some people did." They shook their heads and exchanged a glance.

The thing that struck me was that they were smiling and even laughing sometimes, as they told the story. Who knows what that really means – sometimes people smile and laugh because they're trying not to break down in tears – but I got the impression that they were expressing tenderness for their former selves, remembering a difficult time with the compassion that comes from taking the long view of things. I do that sometimes myself, when I start to feel overwhelmed – remind myself that someday I can look back on my own hard times with a smile, and hopefully with gratitude for whatever there is to be experienced.

And there is a lot of that. Music, for one thing. For a few years I've been in the habit of not ever listening to it, holding it in reserve for when I really needed it – kind of like reserving caffeine for days when you have a bad headache – and it's working. I've been pulling out old recordings I haven't listened to in a long time, and checking out lots of new stuff from the library too. It's pretty amazing to have such an easy way to feel better. And singing! I'm learning so many new songs, and singing everywhere – in my yard, on the roof, in the garage, walking with the dog ... that feels good too.

Another thing is the sun. Everything is warm and green and lush after the rain a few weeks ago. The yard is full of birds and fall flowers. Everything smells good, and I'm getting a lot done around the house – daily stuff like baking and cleaning, and more complicated chores I've been putting off literally for years.

I might even have time to write some decent blog posts again one of these days. Right now though I'm going to take Tater for another walk. The sun is going down and the colors are amazing, and it's supposed to rain this weekend.

Happy anniversary

On the day the stock market crashed last September I was at a press check in Las Vegas, sitting in the client lounge watching the dire predictions unfold. Everyone wanted to know if it would be as bad as the crash of 1929, which has its 80th anniversary this week. Is it that bad? Is it going to be? I don't know. Right now I'm just focusing on my own situation, and trying to enjoy what there is to be enjoyed – new flannel sheets, a beautiful day, friends who love me, time to do whatever I want.

I was looking around on PBS.org this morning and ran across this article, which was published on their blog the same day I got laid off. The gist of it is that even during the Great Depression some people did fine, and a few actually hit the jackpot. A lot has changed since then, but I'm sure the same will be true now – all that money has to go somewhere. Eventually I'm sure I'll find a way to put myself in the path of some of it ....

Ugh. I guess I really don't have anything to say; I'm just here trying to rein in some anxiety before I leave to run some errands. Today is my first day of Not Going To My (Former) Office, and I've been feeling mostly calm, emotionally, but physically very stressed. I'm shaky and full of adrenaline, I keep dropping things, and my heart rate, blood sugar and blood pressure are all elevated. It's unpleasant. But it will pass as I start establishing some new routines.

Thank you to everyone who's been in touch with good wishes. It's so easy to forget how good a few kind words can feel – it seems like such a simple thing just to send an email, make a phone call or a comment ... And it is simple, but it's not small. I appreciate each of you so much and am sending gratitude, good thoughts and blessings back your way, too.

More later, undoubtedly.

Free at last

So this morning I was laid off from my job – you know, the one I've been complaining about for the last five years? True, the whole newspaper industry and this newspaper in particular has been dying a slow death for quite awhile now, but somehow I still didn't see it coming. At least not for me. If anyone was going to be gotten rid of, I would've thought it would be ... not me. Because for a long time it's been generally acknowledged that in terms of skills, dedication and quality of work, I was the most valuable employee in my department. Apparently I was also the most expensive, not to mention the most recently hired. Ergo, the most expendable.

So – out I go.

Now I'm sitting at my desk at home trying to let it sink in. I don't work there anymore. After I got the news I walked back to my desk, got my bike and left without talking to anyone. My (former) boss will let me in again after hours tonight, to get my stuff – because I don't want to talk to anyone then, either. And after that, I hope never to have to spend another minute in that hideous bunker ever again. We can all meet for drinks and decompress later (I'm not the only one who got axed) – just not today.

Right now I feel angry. I've spent the last five years watching them make one stupid decision after another, wasting opportunities and squandering resources on "digital" projects and equipment that anyone with an ounce of industry experience could see were never going to produce a return. This is separate from the economy in general and the newspaper business in particular – this is just bad judgment and misplaced familial pride. My suggestions and recommendations for projects that actually COULD make money were never used, for no better reason than that the person they've decided to put in charge is incapable of following through, and nobody else is allowed to do anything.

I've never talked much about any of this here because I didn't want to take a chance of having them find this blog and fire me. Now that that threat is gone, I find I just don't have the energy or desire to think about it anymore. The course this job would run was clear to me from the day I was hired, and now I've played it out. I don't feel any satisfaction in seeing my dire predictions coming true though – not only because it means I'm now out of work, but because it's sad to see the whole place going to shit when it really didn't have to.

As Mr. A pointed out (thank god he's home today – Friday is his state-mandated furlough day), it's not like they took away my dream job. It's never been that.

What I will miss more than anything is my commute – I've really come to love that ride. Also, I like most of my (former) co-workers and will miss seeing them every day. I liked having the job title "Art Director" but even I have to admit that was more just a way for them to make me feel better about continuing to work there (in lieu of a raise, ever), than a real description of the job. I loved my schedule, with three free mornings a week. The thought of going back to a 40+ hour a week commuter job where I have to drive in traffic and dress up every day makes me lose my will to live.

I also don't love the idea of being dumped onto the job market with no notice and no severance, when there are already so many other people looking for the same jobs I'm going to be trying to get.

Health insurance is another thing. I am told that a new government subsidy will pay for 65% of my COBRA coverage, which will help a lot (thanks, Obama!). But because of my "pre-existing condition" I can't buy my own coverage, which means that I can't really consider taking any job that doesn't include benefits – so that reduces the size of the pool of available jobs by quite a bit.

But that's getting ahead of myself. First I have to decide what I'm going to do. I've been thinking about going back to school for years ... maybe now's the time. We've also talked about getting a puppy – what better time than when one of us is actually going to be home all day, at least for awhile? – and stepping up work on some of the house and yard projects (kitchen remodel, flooring, chicken coops,etc.). I'll probably take a couple of weeks and do some trips, visit my family, see some friends, maybe even take a real vacation. There's also yoga, hiking, cooking, taking care of the house, researching new career possibilities, etc. etc. etc. ....

This is assuming I'll have the time. It's also possible I'll get lucky and fall into a great job right away; you never really know how long it's going to take to get re-settled into something new. Several weeks ago I was looking at Craigslist and realizing that the money I was making at my (now former) job was actually pretty good for around here ... which made me feel better about being there, and which now makes me feel more nervous about trying to find something else. But maybe I won't keep doing that kind of work. Maybe I will end up commuting again. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

It would be cool to work somewhere again where I'd be rewarded for my commitment to always doing my best work, instead of getting yelled at for "giving the clients more than they're paying for." Which I always thought was pretty bizarre, considering there was nothing (and I mean Nothing) else for us to do.

Anyway. Enough for now.