Considering changing direction
(again, and in more ways than one)
I've just discovered something new about myself this weekend: When it comes to looking for work, at least as far as Monster.com is concerned, I'm OLD. They didn't say so in so many words ... but tonight I was googling for inspiration to help me rewrite my resume, and ran across several articles about the "40-plus job seeker." Until today I hadn't realized I'm considered basically over the hill, expired goods, in need of special help ....
Among other depressing information, one article offers the opinion that any experience more than 10 years old is irrelevant, and recommends that in drafting my resume, I "compare myself to younger workers, who are engaged with the job market and know what employers want." Another article even goes so far as to suggest I consider cutting or coloring my hair so as to not "give away my age."
I was planning to get my hair cut anyway, so I guess I won't take that one personally. But wow. Instead of feeling empowered, these articles sort of make me feel ... the opposite. Far from helping me solve a problem – how to present my earlier experiences as being relevant to the job at hand – they've informed me I have a new, bigger problem I didn't even know about.
Well, they may have a point. I am older now than I've ever been before. And while it's certainly possible to write up my most recent experience in positive terms, the truth is that I haven't had what I consider a "real" job in almost nine years. My plan when I left the software industry was to stop commuting and commit myself to living and working here in town, conserving resources, dedicating myself to supporting the social and economic health of my local community, blah blah blah. I've been lucky enough to be able to somehow always cobble together some sort of job, but it's never been very interesting, challenging or secure, and I've certainly never made much money at it. Still, until now it's been working. Sort of. But then the other day I ran across a folder full of emails I wrote right after I moved here in 1995, and realized as I read through them that it's never really been feasible for me to do what I've been doing – trying to do – in this town. It's been a struggle the entire time.
I need a new plan.
It's time to let go of the struggle and get real about where I'm living, and what I can do here that will be sustainable for the next 25 years. Even if I find another writing, editing or design job now, I'm feeling pretty clear that over the longer term I need to start moving toward doing something else. Something that brings me into closer contact with other people, that doesn't require me to sit at a desk all day. Something I can keep doing until I'm old. Something that can't be outsourced. Something that means something to me.
It's hard to get my mind around the idea of doing something completely different from what I've been doing for the last 20+ years. Especially since I'm not sure what else I might do. The main thought I keep coming back to is "something in healthcare ...." – a category so enormous I hardly know where to begin thinking about it. In my 20s I went through a period of being obsessed with childbirth, and began some training as a lay midwife. In my early 30s I finished a certification as a labor and delivery doula, although I only ever attended one birth – and that was a caesarean, so I wasn't allowed in the delivery room. Lately I've been interested in diabetes education, and health education in general – and I've obviously been interested in therapy and mental health issues for a very long time. There's also hospice ... I've had some very interesting conversations with a friend who's a hospice nurse ....
So I'm starting to look into various programs I could do within a reasonable distance from home – RN, MFT, MSW .... And also trying to figure out what jobs might actually exist locally, or within a short commute. At some point I'll also need to figure out how to pay for my new education, assuming I can even get into a program. I keep hearing it's not easy. And then, of course, I'll also need to find an actual JOB in my new field, so I can pay off my student loans ....
See how good I am at scaring myself away from actually doing anything? Like rewriting my resume, which is what I'm really supposed to be doing right now?
Well, one thing at a time.
Maybe the first thing I should do is revisit the question of whether I'm really going to be able to live the rest of my life without anxiety meds. Getting off them was a big part of the reason I took the "go local" route – I thought I would trade in the big paycheck and high stress level for a simpler, easier life with small but pure pleasures and a focus on quality over quantity ... and in a way, it sort of worked. I did go off the meds, and have stayed off them. But how well is it really going? I'm still hamstrung by anxiety, even though I've made my life just about as simple and small as it can possibly be. And it just keeps getting smaller.
On the other hand, how much did the drugs ever really help? I really can't remember. Would they help me now, at least to get my mind together enough to apply for a job, or a master's program? I can sit here and write this kind of drivel all night long, but when it comes to really focusing on something important (like my damn resume!) the anxiety leaps up from the floor where it's been snoozing and grabs me by the throat, and my heart starts pounding and my mind starts racing and I just can't concentrate at all.
Even so, I have to try. I am going to send that letter and resume to this company on Monday morning, whether I'm satisfied that it's perfect or not.
P.S. I just reread this and almost want to delete it ... I sound so boring and pathetic. Maybe next time I'll make a point of reporting something interesting, encouraging or beautiful. One thing I could mention today is how much I've been enjoying the fall colors, and the colder nights. We've had the wood stove going pretty much continuously for the last couple of weeks and I love to sit and watch the flames.
Among other depressing information, one article offers the opinion that any experience more than 10 years old is irrelevant, and recommends that in drafting my resume, I "compare myself to younger workers, who are engaged with the job market and know what employers want." Another article even goes so far as to suggest I consider cutting or coloring my hair so as to not "give away my age."
I was planning to get my hair cut anyway, so I guess I won't take that one personally. But wow. Instead of feeling empowered, these articles sort of make me feel ... the opposite. Far from helping me solve a problem – how to present my earlier experiences as being relevant to the job at hand – they've informed me I have a new, bigger problem I didn't even know about.
Well, they may have a point. I am older now than I've ever been before. And while it's certainly possible to write up my most recent experience in positive terms, the truth is that I haven't had what I consider a "real" job in almost nine years. My plan when I left the software industry was to stop commuting and commit myself to living and working here in town, conserving resources, dedicating myself to supporting the social and economic health of my local community, blah blah blah. I've been lucky enough to be able to somehow always cobble together some sort of job, but it's never been very interesting, challenging or secure, and I've certainly never made much money at it. Still, until now it's been working. Sort of. But then the other day I ran across a folder full of emails I wrote right after I moved here in 1995, and realized as I read through them that it's never really been feasible for me to do what I've been doing – trying to do – in this town. It's been a struggle the entire time.
I need a new plan.
It's time to let go of the struggle and get real about where I'm living, and what I can do here that will be sustainable for the next 25 years. Even if I find another writing, editing or design job now, I'm feeling pretty clear that over the longer term I need to start moving toward doing something else. Something that brings me into closer contact with other people, that doesn't require me to sit at a desk all day. Something I can keep doing until I'm old. Something that can't be outsourced. Something that means something to me.
It's hard to get my mind around the idea of doing something completely different from what I've been doing for the last 20+ years. Especially since I'm not sure what else I might do. The main thought I keep coming back to is "something in healthcare ...." – a category so enormous I hardly know where to begin thinking about it. In my 20s I went through a period of being obsessed with childbirth, and began some training as a lay midwife. In my early 30s I finished a certification as a labor and delivery doula, although I only ever attended one birth – and that was a caesarean, so I wasn't allowed in the delivery room. Lately I've been interested in diabetes education, and health education in general – and I've obviously been interested in therapy and mental health issues for a very long time. There's also hospice ... I've had some very interesting conversations with a friend who's a hospice nurse ....
So I'm starting to look into various programs I could do within a reasonable distance from home – RN, MFT, MSW .... And also trying to figure out what jobs might actually exist locally, or within a short commute. At some point I'll also need to figure out how to pay for my new education, assuming I can even get into a program. I keep hearing it's not easy. And then, of course, I'll also need to find an actual JOB in my new field, so I can pay off my student loans ....
See how good I am at scaring myself away from actually doing anything? Like rewriting my resume, which is what I'm really supposed to be doing right now?
Well, one thing at a time.
Maybe the first thing I should do is revisit the question of whether I'm really going to be able to live the rest of my life without anxiety meds. Getting off them was a big part of the reason I took the "go local" route – I thought I would trade in the big paycheck and high stress level for a simpler, easier life with small but pure pleasures and a focus on quality over quantity ... and in a way, it sort of worked. I did go off the meds, and have stayed off them. But how well is it really going? I'm still hamstrung by anxiety, even though I've made my life just about as simple and small as it can possibly be. And it just keeps getting smaller.
On the other hand, how much did the drugs ever really help? I really can't remember. Would they help me now, at least to get my mind together enough to apply for a job, or a master's program? I can sit here and write this kind of drivel all night long, but when it comes to really focusing on something important (like my damn resume!) the anxiety leaps up from the floor where it's been snoozing and grabs me by the throat, and my heart starts pounding and my mind starts racing and I just can't concentrate at all.
Even so, I have to try. I am going to send that letter and resume to this company on Monday morning, whether I'm satisfied that it's perfect or not.
P.S. I just reread this and almost want to delete it ... I sound so boring and pathetic. Maybe next time I'll make a point of reporting something interesting, encouraging or beautiful. One thing I could mention today is how much I've been enjoying the fall colors, and the colder nights. We've had the wood stove going pretty much continuously for the last couple of weeks and I love to sit and watch the flames.
Labels: anxiety, healthcare, work
3 Comments:
Just one thing. You are not over the hill. Plenty of people are over 40 (or 50 or 60) and are still landing jobs--at least at the place where I work.
Monster, despite it's name, represents only a very tiny sliver of the job market and let me tell you that those articles were probably just lame attempts to try to wring a new angle out of the job hunt theme.
All doors are still wide open for whatever it is you choose to do.
thanks, rozanne, for the above. i'm also a 40-something job seeker and don't think of myself as old. at least until i read your post, tina! thanks a lot! :-)
still, i have sent out four resumes and haven't hear back. i don't know if this is because i'm old or not. how terrifying! but i think rozanne is write about the monster thing.
This entry was so non-boring to me! Maybe because I am in a similar boat. What on earth do I want to do besides teaching?? And my age freaks me out!
Really what I want to do is just my own reading, research, and projects. But that's what everybody wants.
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