It's all happening
Well, I sent off my grad school application today. Now, except for finishing my statistics class, there's nothing left to do but wait to find out if I got in. I'm feeling good about my application; I actually had it ready to send yesterday, then decided to sleep on it one more night, and when I went over it again this morning I was able to make it even just a little bit more perfect. My therapist (did I mention she was one of the founding teachers in the program I'm applying to?) predicts I'll be receiving my acceptance before the end of March. We shall see. In any case, I'm feeling good, and very glad to have it done.
Maybe it was the unexpected disruption/destruction of my routine, or the winter darkness, or my insecurity about what the hell I'm going to do with my life, or some of the other harrowing events that I've had to deal with in the last few months, but wow – this winter has been intense. This last week is the first time since I got laid off that I've started feeling somewhat normal again. This afternoon I was walking Tater down our road and felt a huge surge of joy that almost made me cry. After the walk we went back to the creek and I noticed one of our pine trees in bloom – I'd never thought of the little clusters of baby pine cones that way, but they are definitely flowers, small and delicate and dusty with yellow pollen that puffed out in little clouds when I lifted a branch that was drooping across the path. Standing on the creek bank, watching Tater playing in the waves and listening to the sound of the water bubbling and falling over the rocks, I felt happy again. It's the big kind of happy, the kind that fills my whole body and makes me want to open, open, open .... After feeling all clenched down with anxiety for so many months, it's pretty wonderful to feel back to my normal self again.
Other things I'm feeling good about lately: Winter is officially over, at least as far as I'm concerned. Around here, it really only lasts about a month – January, specifically – and by the middle of February we've got fruit trees flowering and daffodils and hyacinths and irises and acacias and all kinds of other gorgeous good-smelling things opening up. My parents are coming for a visit next week and I'm excited to show them around at this most beautiful time of year. I'll be driving back to Utah with them when they go, and from there I'll fly to Portland to spend a few days with friends there. Therapy has been helping me a lot; being able to check in every week with someone I trust, who's separate from my everyday life, helps me feel stronger and more grounded, and she's teaching me new ways to calm myself down when I start to freak, as well as encouraging me to acknowledge some very old stuff I'd pretty much given up on ever being able to feel OK about, and work with her toward healing it (is that vague enough for you?). I finished my hospice training and will be starting work there within the next few weeks. I'm working occasionally on the copyediting projects I wrote about last time. Mr. A and I got two new bikes last weekend, and I'm madly in love with the one we got for me – a battered old reddish copper-colored ladies 5-speed Schwinn Suburban from 1975 that is going to be SO fun to decorate, and to ride. Finally, I joined the gym and am looking forward to figuring out how to make that part of my new routine as well.
Some less happy things are happening too. The work I'm doing is not nearly enough to keep me busy, so I'm still going to need to figure out something else to do for money. I'm still spending a lot more time alone than I want to; I'm not bored, and not exactly lonely, but I miss being part of a team, working with other people, seeing friends every day. Also, we're coming up on some stuff with Mr. A's family that I expect is going to be hard; let's just say the timing of my hospice training could not have been better.
And also! It has not escaped my attention that we are now a week and a day into my usual spring practice period (aka Lent), and I haven't yet defined a new practice I want to implement for 2010. I did extend my 2009 practice (not wearing black) indefinitely, and I'm still doing it, so maybe I'll take a break from spring practice this year. Or maybe I'll think of something tomorrow. I haven't decided yet.
My dream life has been super active lately too; I suppose my kind little mind is trying to help me adjust to all of these changes, now that I've sort of stopped digging my heels in to resist them. Yesterday morning I had another new & improved version of a long-running recurring dream, the one in which I am moving back to Utah, and go back to all of the houses I lived in before, hoping to find a place for myself in one of them. Usually I wander around looking at how beautiful and interesting those places are (way more than they ever were when I actually lived in them) and feeling sad, knowing all I'm really doing is looking – I could never really live there again. In this new version, it's sort of reversed. Instead of trying to move back, I'm getting ready to leave. And as I walk through the house, instead of feeling sad that I can't stay, I'm memorizing all the things I like, so I can take them with me when I go. As I look around I realize that while there are a few things I like enough to keep, most of it really doesn't suit my taste anymore.
I keep mulling over something my therapist said this week. We were talking about my work, and what I've liked and not liked about the work I've been doing up until now – basically, writing, editing, designing and project managing various kinds of publications, either print or digital. I've mostly thought of myself as liking my work, so it's been kind of weird to find myself suddenly completely lacking even the tiniest molecule of interest in continuing. She said, "It's like you were a deep sea diver exploring the bottom of the ocean with a wet suit and air tank. You're smart enough and competent enough to survive there with the right tools, but when it comes right down to it, you're not a fish and it's just not possible for you to thrive in that kind of environment. It's just not your nature." There was more to the conversation than that, but basically – she's absolutely right. She pointed out that social work is much more in line with my values than marketing and advertising ... and that once I get into a work environment that honors who I am, I'll feel at home at work in a way I never have in these totally business-oriented, profit-driven places. Not that I expect a career change to change absolutely everything about my life ... but I do think it's going to change a lot.
So yeah. Major metamorphosis right now. I'm trying to just stay open to the possibilities, trust the process, and have as much fun as I can.
Maybe it was the unexpected disruption/destruction of my routine, or the winter darkness, or my insecurity about what the hell I'm going to do with my life, or some of the other harrowing events that I've had to deal with in the last few months, but wow – this winter has been intense. This last week is the first time since I got laid off that I've started feeling somewhat normal again. This afternoon I was walking Tater down our road and felt a huge surge of joy that almost made me cry. After the walk we went back to the creek and I noticed one of our pine trees in bloom – I'd never thought of the little clusters of baby pine cones that way, but they are definitely flowers, small and delicate and dusty with yellow pollen that puffed out in little clouds when I lifted a branch that was drooping across the path. Standing on the creek bank, watching Tater playing in the waves and listening to the sound of the water bubbling and falling over the rocks, I felt happy again. It's the big kind of happy, the kind that fills my whole body and makes me want to open, open, open .... After feeling all clenched down with anxiety for so many months, it's pretty wonderful to feel back to my normal self again.
Other things I'm feeling good about lately: Winter is officially over, at least as far as I'm concerned. Around here, it really only lasts about a month – January, specifically – and by the middle of February we've got fruit trees flowering and daffodils and hyacinths and irises and acacias and all kinds of other gorgeous good-smelling things opening up. My parents are coming for a visit next week and I'm excited to show them around at this most beautiful time of year. I'll be driving back to Utah with them when they go, and from there I'll fly to Portland to spend a few days with friends there. Therapy has been helping me a lot; being able to check in every week with someone I trust, who's separate from my everyday life, helps me feel stronger and more grounded, and she's teaching me new ways to calm myself down when I start to freak, as well as encouraging me to acknowledge some very old stuff I'd pretty much given up on ever being able to feel OK about, and work with her toward healing it (is that vague enough for you?). I finished my hospice training and will be starting work there within the next few weeks. I'm working occasionally on the copyediting projects I wrote about last time. Mr. A and I got two new bikes last weekend, and I'm madly in love with the one we got for me – a battered old reddish copper-colored ladies 5-speed Schwinn Suburban from 1975 that is going to be SO fun to decorate, and to ride. Finally, I joined the gym and am looking forward to figuring out how to make that part of my new routine as well.
Some less happy things are happening too. The work I'm doing is not nearly enough to keep me busy, so I'm still going to need to figure out something else to do for money. I'm still spending a lot more time alone than I want to; I'm not bored, and not exactly lonely, but I miss being part of a team, working with other people, seeing friends every day. Also, we're coming up on some stuff with Mr. A's family that I expect is going to be hard; let's just say the timing of my hospice training could not have been better.
And also! It has not escaped my attention that we are now a week and a day into my usual spring practice period (aka Lent), and I haven't yet defined a new practice I want to implement for 2010. I did extend my 2009 practice (not wearing black) indefinitely, and I'm still doing it, so maybe I'll take a break from spring practice this year. Or maybe I'll think of something tomorrow. I haven't decided yet.
My dream life has been super active lately too; I suppose my kind little mind is trying to help me adjust to all of these changes, now that I've sort of stopped digging my heels in to resist them. Yesterday morning I had another new & improved version of a long-running recurring dream, the one in which I am moving back to Utah, and go back to all of the houses I lived in before, hoping to find a place for myself in one of them. Usually I wander around looking at how beautiful and interesting those places are (way more than they ever were when I actually lived in them) and feeling sad, knowing all I'm really doing is looking – I could never really live there again. In this new version, it's sort of reversed. Instead of trying to move back, I'm getting ready to leave. And as I walk through the house, instead of feeling sad that I can't stay, I'm memorizing all the things I like, so I can take them with me when I go. As I look around I realize that while there are a few things I like enough to keep, most of it really doesn't suit my taste anymore.
I keep mulling over something my therapist said this week. We were talking about my work, and what I've liked and not liked about the work I've been doing up until now – basically, writing, editing, designing and project managing various kinds of publications, either print or digital. I've mostly thought of myself as liking my work, so it's been kind of weird to find myself suddenly completely lacking even the tiniest molecule of interest in continuing. She said, "It's like you were a deep sea diver exploring the bottom of the ocean with a wet suit and air tank. You're smart enough and competent enough to survive there with the right tools, but when it comes right down to it, you're not a fish and it's just not possible for you to thrive in that kind of environment. It's just not your nature." There was more to the conversation than that, but basically – she's absolutely right. She pointed out that social work is much more in line with my values than marketing and advertising ... and that once I get into a work environment that honors who I am, I'll feel at home at work in a way I never have in these totally business-oriented, profit-driven places. Not that I expect a career change to change absolutely everything about my life ... but I do think it's going to change a lot.
So yeah. Major metamorphosis right now. I'm trying to just stay open to the possibilities, trust the process, and have as much fun as I can.
2 Comments:
more soon, but i was going to ask you about your spring practice. i gave up sugar this year--the first time i've ever observed lent. congrats on the application!! fingers crossed!
Way to go. Good luck t.
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