Clarity (a brief moment of)

So one of the possibilities I've been reading about is becoming a Certified Diabetes Educator. I just keep coming back to it ... As much as I try to tell myself it would make more sense to get an RN, just as a way to qualify for a more stable kind of job than I've had until now, my heart really isn't in it. Visions of bedpans, etc.

However. Certification as an RN might be the fastest way to open a door to something that does interest me – it's one way to meet the discipline requirement to sit for the CDE exam. I could also do it by becoming an occupational therapist or dietician, or by getting an MSW or a master's in nutrition or health education. I'm interested in all of those things (there are also other options that don't interest me at all – optometrist, podiatrist, etc.). But I think the RN is the shortest program, and possibly the cheapest. Not that I think it would necessarily be all that easy, assuming I could even get into a program.

My first choice of paths here – what appeals most to my heart and soul – would be to do the MSW, then the practice experience required to sit for the exam, then to work in a clinical setting (not a private practice) with diabetic clients on both physical and mental/emotional health issues. How the hell long would that take? How would I pay for it? Am I really smart enough to do that? Am I healthy enough? Do I have the stamina? Would I be able to find a job when I was done?

This is where I realize the RN is probably not the best way. Because ultimately, even as a CDE, I would still be working in the discipline I'd chosen, and I don't really want to work as a nurse. I need to be honest with myself about this. I don't want to be a nurse. I want to be a health educator or some kind of therapist. I think. Maybe. Unless it's all just too exhausting.

Still ... I do feel like I need to make a change. Today I read this article, written by one of my clients. It's exactly the kind of thing I used to write for a living and reading it confirmed that I have absolutely zero interest in pursuing that kind of work again, ever. Less than zero interest – negative interest. Infinity negative. I just don't think I could do it again. And I don't have much enthusiasm for design work anymore, either. Good to feel clear about that, too, I suppose.

Ugh. It's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. Maybe it's just because I'm not doing that well right now, but the thought of scrapping my last 25 years of professional experience (such as it is) to start over from scratch in a completely unrelated field ... I guess I need to think of it as "exciting," and it is, but also: it just kind of freaks me out.

But – the reason I wanted to write it down tonight is because I've been thinking about what feels good when I let my mind consider every possibility, and this is what feels good to me tonight. A teacher I kind of like has this saying, "What is inclusive of how." I've been keeping that in mind too. Because anything that is going to happen, has to start with the "what." The vision. Not that is has to be 100% clear and complete before anything can begin ... I'm expecting that like any other living thing, the vision will evolve as I nurture it and start taking steps to make it happen.

There's also that other metaphor, the one about walking in the dark – the flashlight only reaches far enough to show you the next little bit of the path ahead, but if you just keep moving, you can get all the way there like that.

Anyway. Right now I'm concentrating on developing an informed, actionable and energizing vision of what I want to be doing over the next 5, 10 and 25 years, with faith that this will make it easier to work out the specifics of "how."

And now that I've emptied the contents of my brain into this post, I'm going to go see if I can get a little sleep before the sun comes up.