Now is the time
I may have spoken too soon last time when I declared myself "back to normal" – or maybe just overestimated how good my usual "normal" feels, which I think would be easy for anyone to do after many months of struggling. In any case, I've had several really hard mornings lately, and they have inspired me to go ahead and officially declare my spring practice this year as always, even though I'm off to kind of a late start.
As with so many other aspects of my life ... I may be late, but that's not the same as being TOO late. Better late than never, no time like the present, carpe diem, et cetera.
The thing I've decided to do every day is to get out of bed as soon as I wake up in the morning (no matter how early it is, or what the weather is doing), put on my boots and jacket, grab the dog and the leash, and walk to the end of our road and back – an easy and pleasant mile. Does that sound like a wimpy practice, too easy to offer any real benefit? It kind of does to me ... and yet more than any other thing I've done to try to deal with my early morning panics in a positive way, this is the one practice that pretty much always helps.
Normally what I do when I wake up like that, or at least what I want to do, is to lie as still as I can and try to will myself back to sleep, in hopes that the next time I wake up, I'll feel better. I know it doesn't work, but in that moment the temptation to choose oblivion over anxiety is very strong. Walking gives me a third option, and it's something I can do even when all my brain chemicals are commanding me to pull the blankets over my head and try to disappear.
Oh blah, now I think I'm starting to exaggerate. Maybe just a little? It's hard to tell, sometimes – I've gotten so used to the way those chemicals make me feel.
In any case – that's what I'm going to be doing from now until Easter. A walk a day, before I do anything else. It's the timing of it that makes this practice significant, since we already do that walk anyway, most days. Getting out of bed as soon as I'm awake, no matter what, and actually DOing something right away that feels good – that is what I think is going to provide the benefit. Even when I feel great I've never been a good sleeper or an early riser, so that part will be challenging as well. I'm also curious to see if getting up very early really will help me sleep better at night; Mr. A and several other people have assured me that it will and nothing would make me happier than to prove them right!
In other news, I'm now officially bored with the topic of How I Am Doing and/or Feeling. I was looking for something I wrote a few years ago and stopped to read some old entries, and was struck by how much more interesting (to me, at least) they used to be, back when I was actually telling stories and talking about my life instead of just constantly reporting on the state of my mental, emotional and physical health. I guess trying to heal this latest crisis has been my most compelling and demanding task this winter, so it makes sense to record my observations. Now that I'm (mostly) starting to feel better – in fact, it's one way I know I really am getting better and not just wishing to – I'm starting to want to write about happier things.
One of which is the glorious sun – which just started shining after several days of clouds and rain. I'm going to get out there again now and soak it up, then head off into the rest of my day.
P.S. Before I totally abandon my habit of recording health symptoms, I would like to note that this latest round of anxiety coincides exactly with the completion and mailing off of my graduate school application, and the end of my hospice training program. Having something structured, challenging and meaningful to work on every day really did reduce my anxiety – a LOT. I already kind of knew that, so it's empowering to find it still true, and to feel it within my capabilities to create new routines that will provide the same kind of relief. The next thing I have to do is finish my statistics course by the end of May, which I'm already gathering is going to be about as much of a challenge as I've ever encountered in school ... Luckily, I don't have anything else too pressing going on right now so I'm looking forward to putting my full energy into it – as soon as the textbook arrives!
As with so many other aspects of my life ... I may be late, but that's not the same as being TOO late. Better late than never, no time like the present, carpe diem, et cetera.
The thing I've decided to do every day is to get out of bed as soon as I wake up in the morning (no matter how early it is, or what the weather is doing), put on my boots and jacket, grab the dog and the leash, and walk to the end of our road and back – an easy and pleasant mile. Does that sound like a wimpy practice, too easy to offer any real benefit? It kind of does to me ... and yet more than any other thing I've done to try to deal with my early morning panics in a positive way, this is the one practice that pretty much always helps.
Normally what I do when I wake up like that, or at least what I want to do, is to lie as still as I can and try to will myself back to sleep, in hopes that the next time I wake up, I'll feel better. I know it doesn't work, but in that moment the temptation to choose oblivion over anxiety is very strong. Walking gives me a third option, and it's something I can do even when all my brain chemicals are commanding me to pull the blankets over my head and try to disappear.
Oh blah, now I think I'm starting to exaggerate. Maybe just a little? It's hard to tell, sometimes – I've gotten so used to the way those chemicals make me feel.
In any case – that's what I'm going to be doing from now until Easter. A walk a day, before I do anything else. It's the timing of it that makes this practice significant, since we already do that walk anyway, most days. Getting out of bed as soon as I'm awake, no matter what, and actually DOing something right away that feels good – that is what I think is going to provide the benefit. Even when I feel great I've never been a good sleeper or an early riser, so that part will be challenging as well. I'm also curious to see if getting up very early really will help me sleep better at night; Mr. A and several other people have assured me that it will and nothing would make me happier than to prove them right!
In other news, I'm now officially bored with the topic of How I Am Doing and/or Feeling. I was looking for something I wrote a few years ago and stopped to read some old entries, and was struck by how much more interesting (to me, at least) they used to be, back when I was actually telling stories and talking about my life instead of just constantly reporting on the state of my mental, emotional and physical health. I guess trying to heal this latest crisis has been my most compelling and demanding task this winter, so it makes sense to record my observations. Now that I'm (mostly) starting to feel better – in fact, it's one way I know I really am getting better and not just wishing to – I'm starting to want to write about happier things.
One of which is the glorious sun – which just started shining after several days of clouds and rain. I'm going to get out there again now and soak it up, then head off into the rest of my day.
P.S. Before I totally abandon my habit of recording health symptoms, I would like to note that this latest round of anxiety coincides exactly with the completion and mailing off of my graduate school application, and the end of my hospice training program. Having something structured, challenging and meaningful to work on every day really did reduce my anxiety – a LOT. I already kind of knew that, so it's empowering to find it still true, and to feel it within my capabilities to create new routines that will provide the same kind of relief. The next thing I have to do is finish my statistics course by the end of May, which I'm already gathering is going to be about as much of a challenge as I've ever encountered in school ... Luckily, I don't have anything else too pressing going on right now so I'm looking forward to putting my full energy into it – as soon as the textbook arrives!
1 Comments:
Did you already visit Portland? If not, let me know if you want to take a walk in Forest Park (or something) while you're here. I'd love to see you!
Congrats on making the decision to go to grad school
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