Four decades of red shoe regrets, resolved

I've had a love hate relationship with red shoes for so many years ... stalking them, loving them, lusting for them, even buying them again and again, only to find myself unable to wear them because they're just way too red. There are at least three pairs stashed away right now in a box in the garage that I've never worn, even though part of me still loves looking at them. I even get them out to try on every once in awhile.

Anyway. Today I break my long blog silence to announce that the curse has been lifted: I've found some red shoes that I love, that I can actually wear. Check 'em out!

OK, so maybe they're not the height of fashion ... I actually worried as I was ordering them that they might look like clown shoes, or children's shoes. But they don't (well, maybe a tiny bit, but in a good way). I'm happy with them. They're red enough to be red, without being TOO red. I love the slight platform, the soft thick leather, the comfortable strap. And you can't tell from this picture but they're very wide across the toes, just like my feet. I plan to wear them all summer.

What else? I still think about blogging every day, but so much of what I think of saying seems kind of unnecessary to say. That's a spell that seems to have been broken lately too – my decades-long compulsion to document my experiences, rather than simply living them. I think that practice helped me, more than anything else I've done, to learn how to really inhabit my own life. Writing it all down – and paying close attention to myself, so I can be accurate in my account – has taught me to love it all. I read something the other day that rang true to me:

The great Japanese film director Akira Kurosawa once said, "An artist is someone who never averts his eyes." In 1923, the Great Kanto earthquake killed 100,000 people and destroyed Tokyo. Kurosawa was just 13 years old and walked amongst the devastation of human and animal corpses. When he tried to turn away, his older brother instructed him not to avert his eyes. As a result, Kurosawa came to believe that looking at the whole of life was a way to defeat fear.

That's a big part of what I've been doing until lately with this blog, and with journaling in general. Learning to defeat my fears. I can't say they're totally defeated, or that I expect them ever to be, but I do feel safe in my life and in the world right now, and that makes me feel generous and strong, like I have more to offer than this inward-turning exploration of my own ego. I guess that's why I'm not writing much right now. I'm feeling more like expressing myself in other ways.

While I'm quoting people, here's another quote I've been meditating on for awhile, that I feel I've finally internalized to the point where it's truly how I see the world. I have it on a little card on the refrigerator and have been painting it in calligraphy on little cards to leave around town ... just for fun, and maybe to share the blessing it's been to me:

Hm, what else? It does seem like a long time since I've written anything down. Just for utilitarian purposes, I'll go ahead and document some highlights, in no particular order.

1. I'm about half way done winding down with the antidepressants. They did their job for me again, and I'm grateful. Once again however they did cause me to gain weight – about 20 lbs since August – and that is not good for me. Actually, I don't think they directly caused the weight gain; what seems to have happened (again) is that they make me sleepy and hungry, and hungry specifically for carbohydrates, so that it's very hard to exercise and eat like I know I should. So I'm weaning myself off them and forcing myself to do what I need to, even though I really, really don't feel like it.

2. The job is still going great. I don't think it's possible to overstate how much I love it. This, too, I think, is a huge part of why I'm feeling so good these days.

3. Not that everything is perfect. I don't feel like cataloguing everything I don't like, though. It's all just normal stuff, no different than what most people have to deal with in one way or another.

4. We found out last week that Tater has diabetes insipidus. It isn't the same thing as diabetes mellitus ("sugar" diabetes – the kind I have) – it's caused by a deficiency of a different hormone, and isn't life-threatening; it mainly just means his kidneys can't concentrate urine properly so he needs to drink a ton of water, and pee a lot (that's how I realized something was going on; he was just drinking soooo much water). We're starting him on a medication that should help. Other than that, he's still doing great, enjoying his food, toys and walks, and even inviting Bea to wrestle with him every once in awhile, just like a big puppy. He'll be 13 on June 1.

5. Bea is just a wonderful, wonderful little dog. We're doing an agility class together, and she's also evolved into a major ball hound. That's fun for both of us and makes it easy to exercise her – I just throw the ball for her for 20 minutes a couple of times a day and that about does it for her.

6. I think I am officially turning into the nutty middle-aged dog lady. And I'm pretty much OK with that.

7. My latest obsession is finding the perfect underwear to wear under summer dresses. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to figure out how to make it myself, and I have a plan. It's based on a pair of ladies' old-fashioned silk combination underwear from the 20s that I found at a vintage shop a few years ago, and is basically a full slip with a camisole top and a long-ish split skirt at the bottom, and possibly some kind of drop flap at the crotch (this is the part I'm still working out, how the crotch needs to work in combination with the longer legs. The piece I have is more like tap pants on the bottom, but I wanted something that will work better on a bike). The goal is to create something that is loose, cool and comfortable, with no clinging waist band or straps to fall down, and with two legs so you can ride a bike without worrying about the whole thing flying up over your head.

8. We've been putting up birdhouses all over the property this spring and as of this weekend we have over 90% occupancy.

9. My early morning yoga experiment lasted exactly one day, at which point I pulled a muscle in my back (in an un-yoga-related incident) and was out of commission for almost two weeks. By that time I'd basically given up on the whole idea of my spring practice period, and decided to just do what I can, when I can. I'm still going to my class at the gym and practicing a little bit at home each day. I want to do more and when I can, I will!

10. The early rising thing was not a total loss, however. I'm learning how to go to bed earlier and gradually it's getting easier to wake up earlier without such a struggle. Part of the problem, I've realized recently, is Mr. A's schedule – he's up between 3 and 4 a.m. every week day, and even though I sleep in my own room, with ear plugs, I always seem to wake up at least partially whenever he's up and about. Synchronizing my sleep schedule with his, at least a little, has helped some; instead of going to bed at 11 or 12, I've been trying to be asleep no later than 10 p.m., which gives me a chance to get into and out of one good solid cycle before he wakes me up at 3. It's not a perfect solution but I think it's better than before.

11. I got through the whole winter without knitting a single thing and am now getting involved in summer sweaters, and tiny little pink sandals for newborn babies in Japan. This is not just any baby, but the baby of my first true love from high school, who's lived there for almost a decade now and is having a daughter in just a couple of weeks with his adorable Japanese wife. Apparently nobody does baby showers or shares baby clothes over there, so they are having to outfit the entire enterprise alone ... Except, they're not really alone – I'm crocheting furiously .... Wishing I had had the time and inclination to do more of this kind of thing when my own nieces and nephews were being born, but I guess better late than never.

12. Speaking of family, I've been more homesick for my brothers and sisters and parents over the last several months than at any other time I can remember since I left home at 18. I'm not sure why. I just love them so much, and miss them so much, and wonder sometimes why I'm still living out here so far away ... except that I love my family here – Mr. A and the dogs, and my friends – and I love my job, and the landscape, and the plants and trees and beautiful clean fresh air ..... Anyway, I'll be traveling to Utah at least once or twice this summer, and possibly to a few other places too. Looking very, very forward to that.

P.S. One more thing – I'm on the lookout for an extremely wide-brimmed straw hat, for gardening. The biggest one I have right now is about 18" across and I would love to have one that is at least two feet across, or even wider. Almost like a parasol for the head! Oh wait – maybe this? I'm actually picturing something more a little rougher, more rustic ... Let me know if you see something like that, won't you?

My favorite place: an update

This is where I've been spending as much time as possible lately. It's a tiny little beach but because you have to hike a bit to get there, and probably for other reasons too, it's never all that crowded. I've been swimming as much as I can, just floating and diving and letting myself be carried by the waves. We saw dolphins doing the same thing a couple of weeks ago ... probably they were hunting too, I suppose ... anyway, it was cool to see them.

I appear to be entering perimenopause. The infamous fuzzy thinking has definitely taken hold, and I'm considering it one of the blessings of this time of my life that I'm not presently encumbered with a job that would make fuzzy thinking a detriment. When it takes over, I'm mostly able to just go with it. Which is not to say that I'm not getting anything useful done, just that I'm doing it at my own pace and timing rather than feeling bound to work by someone else's guidelines. It's actually pretty great. The hot flashes, not so much. I'm fine tuning my diet this month though and am expecting to be able to continue just riding them out when they happen. So far they've been few and far between, and uncomfortable, but not unbearable.

We missed the window of opportunity to live outdoors for a month or two while redoing the entire house, so have been focusing instead on doing other stuff that doesn't require emptying all the furniture out into the yard. The carpets have been shampooed and re-shampooed to within an inch of their lives, and amazingly, they look almost new again – so much so that I'm a little embarrassed at having waited to so long to do them. I really thought they were beyond hope. We now have the whole winter to look at flooring, cabinets, lighting and fixtures and make some well-considered decisions about what will work for the rest of our lives – since I never want to have to do this again – instead of rushing into a quick choice that may or may not end up making us (meaning, me) happy.

I've been looking at pictures of places I used to live in, and remembering things I liked and didn't like. The good news is, I still like a lot of the same stuff I've always liked, like unpainted solid wood doors, wood floors, checkered tile in the kitchen, certain colors and patterns ... If I've already liked it for 45 years, it's a good bet I will continue to like it. So we'll probably end up going with that. With some variations just for fun, of course.

Yoga is going great. I love, love, love my practice and my teacher. I'm riding my bike a lot more again now too, now that Bea is old enough to be left alone for more than just a few hours at a time. That's been really wonderful. Mr. A took me to test ride a few full-suspension mountain bikes and I'm thinking maybe I'll get into some off-road riding this year, in addition to my usual riding-for-transportation. It was amazing to ride off a curb on a bike so springy I hardly felt the bump. Also, I've started running, very tentatively, and swimming at the gym every once in awhile. And walking the dogs two to four miles a day. For all the work I've been doing, strangely, I haven't lost much weight ... I still look about the same as I always have. I feel good though. The depression seems to be fading too, for which I'm very grateful.

Not much is happening on the job front, though I am starting to look more seriously again. I sent several resumes last week, including one where an old friend is at least partly in charge of hiring (so, fingers crossed for at least an interview), and received a rejection notice from a barista position at Whole Foods. Hrmph. I've been working 10-20 hours a week on various web projects, and starting this week will be working one day a week at my friend's froufy home furnishings shop again, the same one I worked at last time I was grievously underemployed. She is sweet and the shop is beautiful, and I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and interacting with actual human beings on a more regular basis again.

As for school, I'm contemplating whether I want to reapply to that program now or not. I still don't have the experience they want, and not really any prospect of obtaining it, so it seems kind of pointless. There are other programs, though. In the meantime I'm looking for a place to start learning Spanish. Seems like a good thing for anyone living and working in California to know, and I've got the time. And I like languages. So there's that.

The dogs are great. They're a huge part of my life right now. Is that pathetic, or wonderful? I choose to think of it as wonderful. Bea is 45 lbs now and won first prize in the games at her graduation from puppy school, for mastering and demonstrating the most tricks and commands. She has several puppy friends that we meet at the dog park every once in awhile, and is turning out to be a complete and utter sweetie pie. She's still breaking in her big girl teeth on everything she can get a hold of, and she loves to dig in her water bowl, but the incessant frantic barking is finished and she's finally starting to enjoy snuggling and snoozing without constantly chewing on our hands and faces.

Yesterday we found out she's now tall enough to reach things on the kitchen counters – for example, the 3/4 lb steak that was cooling on a plate, waiting to be sliced over salads. I thought Mr. A had put it in the fridge, and he though I had, so it took us awhile to realize that the puppy snoring away on her back in the middle of the floor was not just sleepy from playing all morning, but from the aftereffects of a very large protein snack. I still don't know how she did it without pulling the plate off the counter, or leaving some tell-tale greasy mess somewhere ... But I know it wasn't me who ate it, and it wasn't Mr. A, and Tater can't stand up on his hind legs like that anymore, even if he wanted to – which he never has done in his life, anyway. What with him being the world's most perfect dog and all.

It was actually pretty cool to imagine her enjoying that steak though. I wish I could have seen her. Especially because it will (must) never happen again. I'm working with her now to make sure she understands the counter is not a place for dogs to eat, ever, ever, ever. Kind of sad, in a way, but probably best for everyone.

In other news, I just looked into a little mirror I have here on my desk and saw that I seem to be growing some new little nose hairs I never noticed before. Oh dear.

And finally, fall is time to dream of boots ... I haven't decided yet if I'm going to spend any money on boots this winter. It turns out I don't really love the ones I got last year, and have hardly worn them. Possibly I will sell them on eBay ... they're seriously almost brand new. I even still have the box. Anyway, in closing, here are a few that I've been looking at for 2010-11.




What are you wearing on your feet lately?

The dog stays

So. A cryptic series of emails between Mr. A and me yesterday caused me to believe he didn't actually want a puppy at all ... which caused me to freak out and decide she had to go back, for the sake of my sanity ... which caused him to freak out and say he couldn't believe I was getting rid of the dog ... blah blah blah. It was probably the worst fight we've ever had, and in the end it turned out it was all over a misunderstanding. We both want the dog.

It's really the only way this could ever work for me. I would never, ever, ever in a million billion years get a dog if I wasn't 100% sure he wanted one too. I just don't need that kind of stress in my life. These tv shows where the husband keeps showing up with a new 200 lb. mastiff every year or so, to the dismay of his wife and little daughter ... Or baby-hungry women who get pregnant on purpose even though they know the man doesn't want a baby -- I just don't get that at all. I'm nowhere near secure/stupid enough to take on that kind of responsibility with an ambivalent or hostile partner. It would be easier and feel safer just to do it alone.

ANYway. Today I'm feeling a lot more of the joy and excitement I've been wanting to feel about having Bea in the family. She's more like a dog than Tater, who's actually kind of more like a person -- have you ever known a dog like that? You can see it in the way he looks at you, like a person trying to understand someone speaking a foreign language. He's intensely sensitive and motivated to connect with humans. Bea seems to be more independent and she's definitely more into other dogs than Tater is -- she wants to follow him around everywhere and do whatever he does, whereas Tater mostly only wanted to sit in my lap and interact with people. In two weeks she'll be able to go to puppy socialization class, and later in the summer she can start puppy school. I think she's going to enjoy both of those activities a lot more than Tater ever did.

The house training is going OK. She's still a little too young to have a lot of control so I'm taking her out to run around in the yard every couple of hours -- necessary for her, good for me, not so good for my statistics class. I don't think I mentioned I found out I actually have a bit more time to finish than I had thought, but I still need to wrap it up in the next few weeks. It's definitely do-able. But it's been hard to concentrate. I'm hoping to get a lot more done this weekend after it stops pouring rain, and we get a puppy run built that I can put her in while I'm working. There really isn't any place yet in the house or yard where she can wander around safely on her own, so right now she has to be either in her crate or under my direct supervision. Burning off energy by running and playing with me (since Tater isn't really interested) -- this is what allows her to be relaxed in her crate, so I really can't skimp on that part.

I'm also seriously considering puppy daycare, at least occasionally for awhile. Or maybe we'll make some new friends in class and can meet them to play sometimes. She already likes other dogs, and I want her to grow up feeling comfortable with them so we can go do dog things together without worrying about whether there will actually be other dogs there.

I can't wait to take her swimming! The creek, the river, the beach -- she seems to love water and it's such great exercise for a big dog. We'll get her a puppy pool for the summer and see how that goes.

One thing I've noticed is that she doesn't seem as snuggly and cuddly as Tater. I have mixed feelings about that. I do love to snuggle with dogs. But I don't expect Tater would be very happy about sharing the attention. Right now it isn't much of an issue, because if we're inside she's mostly in her crate. But eventually she'll be housetrained, and big enough to jump onto the couch and the bed. Glad there's plenty of time to figure out how we're going to deal with that when it comes up.

Did I mention how soft her fur is? You can't even believe how soft.

My brain is so full I could go on and on ... but I'm too tired, and I have too much to do. Just wanted to report that my ambivalence has resolved itself. Everything is A-OK.

Her pupness

My alternate title for this post was going to be "More than I can chew?" I'll get to that shortly.

So, we got the puppy. We named her Beatrice (Bea). What can I say? She's very cute, but that wasn't why we chose her; in a nutshell, I've been feeling like I need to start getting another dog trained, and I don't want to wait too long to do it. Tater isn't going to be thrilled about any new dog we introduce into the house but every expert and dog person I've talked to has said he's likely to have the fewest issues with a young female pup.

The part I was downplaying to myself until we got her home was the part where a young pup creates more issues for us. For me, specifically. It's not that there's anything wrong with her -- I think she has the potential to be a really nice dog. She's sweet and confident but not pushy, medium energy, smart, not skittish or fearful at all. Tater was pretty shy as a puppy, which at the time sort of endeared him to me, but his anxieties have been hard to deal with at times; for the next dog we wanted one who can actually go do things with us away from the house sometimes. But despite the difficulties, one thing I will say about Tater is that he was extremely easy as a puppy. Maybe too easy. To the point of seeming pretty much effortless. I have a feeling this one is going to be more of a challenge, and now that we've had her home for a couple of days I'm wondering if we're really up for it.

I feel terrible for not being all joyous and excited about our new girl! Part of me is, of course. She's a new puppy, for godsake! It doesn't get much more joyous than that. I keep waking up every morning all super-adrenalized, though. Not in a good way. I'm so nervous I've hardly eaten since Sunday. The dog forums call this "puppy blues" -- similar to the baby blues or post-partum depression women get when they start settling into the idea that this baby is really here to stay. The feeling of "OMG, what the hell have I done?!" The worry that I'll somehow ruin this sweet trusting little blank slate of a dog, and end up with a jumping, digging, barking brat of an animal that nobody can stand to be around. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion from taking her out to pee every 3 hours around the clock (although it seems to be working -- no accidents in the house so far). The constant scanning of the environment for potential hazards, even though at this stage of life she's still in her crate most of the time.

The greatest of those potential hazards is Tater. So far he mostly just pretends to ignore her, though he sniffs her sometimes and lets her follow him and run circles around him in the yard. He's gruffed at her several times when she got out of hand, which is to be expected. He seems much more wary of her in the house than outside, and also much more likely to act jealous inside, especially when toys are involved. Basically, I have to keep them separate in the house, which I knew I would have to do ... I just didn't think about it until now, that we've never really restricted his access to any part of the house before. I need to find a way to make it a positive experience for him. For example, if I have to put him in the bedroom for awhile with the door closed so I can exercise Bea without him jumping in to take her toys away and make me play with him instead of her. Maybe give him an extra-special treat only when he goes in there? I don't know! I've never raised a puppy in a house with a jealous older dog before.

A lot of this will resolve itself after she's had her second set of immunizations in two weeks, because then I'll be able to exercise her by running her on the road and vineyard paths. Getting her good and tired three or four times a day is going to be a huge help. Even as small as she is, it's hard to run her hard enough to really tire her out when we're not supposed to leave the yard.

I'm also worried about Mr. A. He has a huge fear of dog fights, and gets very tense -- beyond tense -- whenever he sees any sign of tension between dogs. They can tell when he's upset, which makes them upset, which makes him even more upset ... We'll need to figure out how to get a handle on that. He was totally on board the day we got her, at least. After we found her online on Saturday he went out for his usual game night and came back with a new puppy bed. It's possible he really does want her too, and is going through his own adjustment to the idea. God knows he's had some pretty major life changes to get used to over the last few months ... So maybe this isn't the best time to add one more thing. Or, maybe it's the best time to do it. I don't know! I'm just really trying to live by my hopes instead of by my fears -- to say "yes" to life!

However. At this exact moment I'm feeling about half and half on this thing. If he came home and said he'd changed his mind, I'd be OK with sending her back. There, I said it. Maybe it makes me a terrible person but I'm more sick-to-my-stomach anxious over this than I've been in many, many months, and if he's not going to be into it, then now is not the time. I can't deal with anxiety issues, dog issues and Mr. A issues all at the same time. On the other hand, if he really wants to do this, I think it could be great.

As usual when I'm nervous my thoughts are all zooming around worst case scenarios, even though I know it only makes me feel worse to think that way. It's also possible for good things to happen, right? Getting a new puppy is supposed to be fun! Still, it's OK to acknowledge mixed feelings about it too, isn't it? Yes, puppies are fun, but they're also little babies that need to be taken care of and trained and watched out for constantly, and that's a huge commitment, and it isn't something you should do only halfway. I seriously don't know how I ever would have handled having an actual human baby. That's something I'm grateful I had the sense to forego; I'm just not cut out for it.

Every time I hear that piercing little bark my stomach just about twists itself into a knot.

Then when she quiets down I start believing again that it's all going to be OK.

I would love to learn how to relax more about stuff like this, and enjoy life more and worry about things less. This is something I think you learn by doing, and I am trying, but it doesn't seem to be happening very fast. Since the beginning of this year I've been making more of an effort than I ever have before to stretch my boundaries, try new things, be more of a "go for it" type of person. I've seen the kind of life I end up with by being cautious and passive, and I want more than I've been getting. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I'm feeling totally out of my depth a lot of the time -- because I am out of my depth.

Maybe a better title for this post would have been "Sink or Swim." Or "Leap of Faith." Or "Courage of My Convictions." Or "Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained." Or "Scared Shitless, and Still Shitting."

I'm watching this little gopher walking back and forth over a pile of rocks out in the yard right now and wondering how it feels about its life. I read somewhere that rodents are naturally anxious all the time -- it's how they stay alive, by intense and constant hyper-vigilance. I can relate to that. It would be nice, in a way, to have no other worry in life but simply staying alive. Eating, sleeping, reproducing -- I'm sure they don't worry about whether they're screwing up their kids with substandard parenting techniques, or bemoan their unfulfilled potential, or wonder how they're going to take care of themselves when they're a hundred years old and no longer able to work.

OK, enough of this. It's a beautiful wet green day, super rare for this time of year, and I think I've succeeded in downloading enough of my stress to be able to get to work. So that's what I'm going to do. And then I'm going to take my dogs out in the yard to play.