I had a dream / the river
It happened last week. I meant to write it down that day, that very morning, so I wouldn't forget any of it. Then I got busy, and a few days passed ... and now all I can remember is that it featured my ex-husband introducing me to his new family, including several kids he's had with his new wife (this was just in the dream – I have no idea if he's actually had more kids with her), and ended with me feeling happiness and compassion for him, suddenly somehow completely cured of that last lingering smudge of resentment and/or contempt that's been dogging me ever since I left him, whenever I happen to think of him.
It seems to be lasting, too. I still don't want anything to do with him, but I no longer have any real negative feelings left toward him. It's a huge relief. Those feelings take up so much space in your heart, when you let them.
Another wonderful thing that's happened this week is that the creek behind our house is finally flowing again. Last Friday it started to rain, and it rained pretty steadily all day weekend. Saturday night on my way home from an awesome restorative yoga class (a gift from my old roommate S., whom I've been enjoying reconnecting with lately) I stopped to check the creekbed and it was still empty. By ten o'clock the next morning it was as full as I've ever seen it, except when it's flooding. I took both dogs back there and we spent over an hour playing at the edge of the water, in the pouring rain. It was Bea's first time ever to experience that kind of water and she loved it.
I love it too. People have written more eloquently than I ever could about the healing properties of water ... so I'll just say, yeah. It works for me. Watching and listening to that creek flow is one of the most calming, affirming and happifying things I know. Every year I wait for the day the flow begins. And every year there it is again.
I've had two job interviews and calls for two more since the last time I wrote. I'm still a little ambivalent, but less and less so as I get more used to the idea of working full-time again. Late this afternoon I got a voicemail from the manager at the job I think would be best, and when I call him back tomorrow I suspect he's either going to ask me back for a second interview or offer me the job. This is the one where I would be driving ten miles, but you can take dogs to work. I've also had several calls from the manager from the other interview, the low-paying one that is closer to home, who is waiting for budget approval from her boss but seems to want to not let me get away in the meantime ....
So – to summarize – still no official offers yet, but things seem to be starting to move. Take it as it comes, I suppose. Even if I don't get any of these jobs, I'm getting a lot of great feedback from people and that always feels good.
And finally, since I seem to be incapable of writing a post that doesn't focus in some way on my anxiety, I'll close by saying that it seems to be mostly pretty manageable lately. I've sort of recommitted myself to cutting way way back on carbohydrates, especially processed sugar, and have been doing well with my exercise "routine," such as it is – basically, two to three yoga classes a week, plus walking the dogs about two miles a day, plus the occasional running on the treadmill (a great way to burn off extra adrenaline and blood glucose, all at the same time). I've had a few bad mornings in the last week or so, but nothing too disabling. It will be interesting to see how the transition back to work affects my chemistry .... I've decided to assume it's going to be just fine, however it all rolls out. Again: Take it as it comes.
What else? I think I might have run over a cat today. I didn't see anything, but I heard a little thump on the side of the car and when I looked in the rear view mirror I saw something (a cat? a possum?) sort of jumping and leaping in place by the side of the road. I turned around at the end of the next block and went back to see if I could help, but by the time I got there, whatever it was was gone. It's sort of been haunting me all day. I've only ever killed three other animals with a car, that I know of – one rabbit, one squirrel, and one bird – all completely unavoidable. Just another reason I'd love to never have to drive.
Don't know why I'm even mentioning that. It seems kind of gloomy. I guess I just don't want to forget that it happened; the life of that little animal, whatever it was, deserves to be acknowledged.
It seems to be lasting, too. I still don't want anything to do with him, but I no longer have any real negative feelings left toward him. It's a huge relief. Those feelings take up so much space in your heart, when you let them.
Another wonderful thing that's happened this week is that the creek behind our house is finally flowing again. Last Friday it started to rain, and it rained pretty steadily all day weekend. Saturday night on my way home from an awesome restorative yoga class (a gift from my old roommate S., whom I've been enjoying reconnecting with lately) I stopped to check the creekbed and it was still empty. By ten o'clock the next morning it was as full as I've ever seen it, except when it's flooding. I took both dogs back there and we spent over an hour playing at the edge of the water, in the pouring rain. It was Bea's first time ever to experience that kind of water and she loved it.
I love it too. People have written more eloquently than I ever could about the healing properties of water ... so I'll just say, yeah. It works for me. Watching and listening to that creek flow is one of the most calming, affirming and happifying things I know. Every year I wait for the day the flow begins. And every year there it is again.
I've had two job interviews and calls for two more since the last time I wrote. I'm still a little ambivalent, but less and less so as I get more used to the idea of working full-time again. Late this afternoon I got a voicemail from the manager at the job I think would be best, and when I call him back tomorrow I suspect he's either going to ask me back for a second interview or offer me the job. This is the one where I would be driving ten miles, but you can take dogs to work. I've also had several calls from the manager from the other interview, the low-paying one that is closer to home, who is waiting for budget approval from her boss but seems to want to not let me get away in the meantime ....
So – to summarize – still no official offers yet, but things seem to be starting to move. Take it as it comes, I suppose. Even if I don't get any of these jobs, I'm getting a lot of great feedback from people and that always feels good.
And finally, since I seem to be incapable of writing a post that doesn't focus in some way on my anxiety, I'll close by saying that it seems to be mostly pretty manageable lately. I've sort of recommitted myself to cutting way way back on carbohydrates, especially processed sugar, and have been doing well with my exercise "routine," such as it is – basically, two to three yoga classes a week, plus walking the dogs about two miles a day, plus the occasional running on the treadmill (a great way to burn off extra adrenaline and blood glucose, all at the same time). I've had a few bad mornings in the last week or so, but nothing too disabling. It will be interesting to see how the transition back to work affects my chemistry .... I've decided to assume it's going to be just fine, however it all rolls out. Again: Take it as it comes.
What else? I think I might have run over a cat today. I didn't see anything, but I heard a little thump on the side of the car and when I looked in the rear view mirror I saw something (a cat? a possum?) sort of jumping and leaping in place by the side of the road. I turned around at the end of the next block and went back to see if I could help, but by the time I got there, whatever it was was gone. It's sort of been haunting me all day. I've only ever killed three other animals with a car, that I know of – one rabbit, one squirrel, and one bird – all completely unavoidable. Just another reason I'd love to never have to drive.
Don't know why I'm even mentioning that. It seems kind of gloomy. I guess I just don't want to forget that it happened; the life of that little animal, whatever it was, deserves to be acknowledged.
1 Comments:
good luck with the job prospects (if either or both is something you want). would love to be near a creek...so soothing. (and sorry about the cat...that must have been upsetting.)
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