Self awareness vs. self absorption

This phrase has been rolling around in my head lately. I was reading one of my religious magazines and found myself feeling annoyed at the depth to which a certain writer was analyzing his experience of making tea ... a Buddhist cliche I'm really starting to get tired of. Another phrase – "navel gazing" – also comes to mind.

I've spent years and years doing the same thing. What makes me happy these days is that I keep noticing something different happening with it. I think I'm finally settling into my life enough that I'm no longer identifying with it as much as I used to. It's hard to explain what I mean, without using language that I'm starting to find sort of off-putting .... But here's something that happened to me today that I think illustrates what I'm trying to say.

My new office is near a big wetland preserve and I've been eating lunch at my desk so I can spend my lunch break walking in this park. It's marshy and wide and open, with a tidal river running along one far edge and always lots of birds and people and dogs everywhere, almost like being at the beach. Today I walked about a mile out to a bench and sat down to watch the birds stalking around on the mud flats. The tide was out and some of them were swimming in little pools, some were poking their beaks into the muck, and some were just standing still, looking around. I wondered what they were eating, and how they knew what to do ....

I thought how nice it would be to be self-aware, like they are (when they're hungry, they know they're hungry, etc.), without always trying to assign some sort of meaning to their awareness. I've heard people say that this is what makes people different from animals – our ability to perceive or create meaning – but I'm not so sure that ability is always such a great thing. Sometimes it feels really good just to be, without trying to understand anything at all about what that might "mean." (Another phrase I really dislike: "understanding what it means to be human." Also, "slim volume." That one always bugs me.)

So in a roundabout way I realized this is part of the reason I haven't been feeling much like writing lately. I'm enjoying my experiences and feeling really open and clear in my mind for the first time in awhile (not all the time, but enough to notice) – and I'm realizing that all I really want to do with this experience is experience it. Be aware of it, but not absorbed in it.

Coming back to write it all down feels sort of ... sludgy, or something. It mucks up my flow.

Maybe that's part of what I've been trying to do with all this journaling for so many years, now that I think of it – slow down the flow a bit, so I could try to get a grip on myself before my whole life spun out of reach. Mr. A once told me, when we first knew each other, that he felt like I was always hitting the gas with the brakes on. I think that was a pretty astute observation at the time.

I'm glad I'm learning how to do things differently.

Boots, and another thing

By special request, I present to you: the boots.

Another thought that's been floating around in my head is this recent awareness of all the Things I keep thinking about buying, now that I have some cash flow going again. The funny thing is, I'm really not all that into "stuff" and kind of hate shopping ... I realized awhile ago that I enjoy thinking about stuff a lot more than I enjoy actually owning it (not to mention taking care of it, washing it, dusting it, storing it, maintaining it, etc. etc.). So maybe that's all I'm really doing ... just enjoying thinking about it. But it occurred to me that in the absence of time to actually DO things, or just sit and BE, the idea of HAVING something new has suddenly become a lot more present in my mind.

I don't think it's a very good trade though – time for money (= stuff). In my ideal dream fantasy world I would be working only enough to make the money for things I really need, which is not much, and I would have a lot more free time to enjoy just living. For example, sitting on a rock by the creek watching the last few willow leaves blow off the tree, which I did for a couple of hours over the weekend. Twenty hours a week working in an office with other people would be awesome – because I do actually enjoy my work a lot, and I need that human contact. Just not 40-50 hours a week of it.

Anyway.

One more thing: I didn't mean to give the impression that I have no more anxiety at all these days. But there was that one glorious day! And I'm making a point of monitoring myself more regularly and noticing that it really has diminished a lot. The very fact that I have to make a point of looking to see if it's still there shows how little there really is – so often in the past it's been so intense it's been completely impossible to ignore, even when I've tried my hardest. So that's pretty gratifying.

And now – off to fill up another Kong toy with pup treats, apples and cream cheese. If I pack them just right they keep her busy long enough for me to get a good run in on the treadmill.

Still here, busy, doing fine

That about sums it up. I took the design job and dove straight into the deep end again – major deadlines and lots of overtime right from the get-go. It's not a bad thing, though I did spend the first week or so in a state of semi-bewilderment at the sudden change in routine. Sitting at a desk all day again – not my favorite thing. Getting up in the dark and coming home in the dark – also not. Trying to figure out what to wear and what to eat, and where, and how to fit in all the other things I'd gotten used to having time to do – laundry, shopping, meals, exercise, reading, naps, puppy playdates, beach days, blah blah blah – this has been an adjustment.

Having money again is nice. My health insurance will start in a couple of months. The work is interesting enough, fast-paced, varied and not too serious – designing sales materials and packaging for commercial horticultural equipment and supplies, with a little copywriting and editing to mix things up now and then – and the people are very nice. Don't remember if I mentioned it already but this is a dog-friendly office, so Bea will be coming to work with me as soon as this current crunch time has relaxed a bit. It's a block or so from a couple decent sandwich places and a 165-acre wetland park with paths and birds and water, where leashed dogs are actually allowed to walk with their humans ... so that's been fun to explore during lunch times.

A few things I've been wanting to write down for posterity:

1. My new commute is about 16 minutes of nothing but fields, farms and vineyards, and on the way to my very first day of work I happened to see a sheep giving birth to twin lambs right next to the road. I was so shocked I slowed the car way down to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing – I always thought they only bred them to lamb in the spring – and that was when I saw the second one fall out of her in a big gush of blood. Whoah. I took it as an auspicious sign. I've been watching them every day as I drive by and they're the cutest little things, leaping around and frolicking like lambs do, with their long waggly tails wriggling around all joyfully.

2. The first few nights, driving home in the dark, I was seized by an unreasonably intense fear of the dark. Some ancient animal part of me feels it really is not safe or wise to be out and about in the darkness, and wants to start building up the fire and nestling in when the sun goes down. It really struck me how much I've enjoyed being able to be at home in the evenings over the last year ... I look forward to being able to live that way again someday.

3. Another realization arrived at while driving to work: I was letting my mind drift, and I noticed it sort of lackadaisically scanning for anxiety, and then I noticed ... there was none. That got my attention. I started actively scanning my whole body and confirmed it – not a single molecule of anxiety to be found. It felt pretty amazing not only to feel totally fine and good for a change, but to realize how unaccustomed I'd become to feeling that way. I even started to test myself, digging around for my old list of upsetting thoughts that always circle around my brain when it's in that mode, and was unable to rustle up even the slightest bit of anxiety, even while dangling the thoughts enticingly right in front myself like those little pieces of bacon I use to tempt the dogs into doing tricks they think are beneath them. My brain just wouldn't bite. In fact, I found myself feeling sort of annoyed by those thoughts, like, "Please. Those things are boring, and they're never going to happen. And if they do, I'll deal with it. Let's move on."

I suppose it's partly the drugs, and partly the fact that I'm working again ... Whatever, I'm glad to be feeling so much more like myself again. To celebrate, I took myself on a mini shopping spree for work clothes and even decided to splurge on some new boots, which I'm very happy with. Today I decided to go even a little further and throw away almost every black thing I own, and every piece of underwear that I hate. I don't want anything around anymore that I don't really love. Possibly I will even bite the bullet and get professionally fitted for a few bras, which I've been meaning to do for quite awhile anyway.

Plenty more is going on but that's all I feel like writing for now.