Still here, busy, doing fine
That about sums it up. I took the design job and dove straight into the deep end again – major deadlines and lots of overtime right from the get-go. It's not a bad thing, though I did spend the first week or so in a state of semi-bewilderment at the sudden change in routine. Sitting at a desk all day again – not my favorite thing. Getting up in the dark and coming home in the dark – also not. Trying to figure out what to wear and what to eat, and where, and how to fit in all the other things I'd gotten used to having time to do – laundry, shopping, meals, exercise, reading, naps, puppy playdates, beach days, blah blah blah – this has been an adjustment.
Having money again is nice. My health insurance will start in a couple of months. The work is interesting enough, fast-paced, varied and not too serious – designing sales materials and packaging for commercial horticultural equipment and supplies, with a little copywriting and editing to mix things up now and then – and the people are very nice. Don't remember if I mentioned it already but this is a dog-friendly office, so Bea will be coming to work with me as soon as this current crunch time has relaxed a bit. It's a block or so from a couple decent sandwich places and a 165-acre wetland park with paths and birds and water, where leashed dogs are actually allowed to walk with their humans ... so that's been fun to explore during lunch times.
A few things I've been wanting to write down for posterity:
1. My new commute is about 16 minutes of nothing but fields, farms and vineyards, and on the way to my very first day of work I happened to see a sheep giving birth to twin lambs right next to the road. I was so shocked I slowed the car way down to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing – I always thought they only bred them to lamb in the spring – and that was when I saw the second one fall out of her in a big gush of blood. Whoah. I took it as an auspicious sign. I've been watching them every day as I drive by and they're the cutest little things, leaping around and frolicking like lambs do, with their long waggly tails wriggling around all joyfully.
2. The first few nights, driving home in the dark, I was seized by an unreasonably intense fear of the dark. Some ancient animal part of me feels it really is not safe or wise to be out and about in the darkness, and wants to start building up the fire and nestling in when the sun goes down. It really struck me how much I've enjoyed being able to be at home in the evenings over the last year ... I look forward to being able to live that way again someday.
3. Another realization arrived at while driving to work: I was letting my mind drift, and I noticed it sort of lackadaisically scanning for anxiety, and then I noticed ... there was none. That got my attention. I started actively scanning my whole body and confirmed it – not a single molecule of anxiety to be found. It felt pretty amazing not only to feel totally fine and good for a change, but to realize how unaccustomed I'd become to feeling that way. I even started to test myself, digging around for my old list of upsetting thoughts that always circle around my brain when it's in that mode, and was unable to rustle up even the slightest bit of anxiety, even while dangling the thoughts enticingly right in front myself like those little pieces of bacon I use to tempt the dogs into doing tricks they think are beneath them. My brain just wouldn't bite. In fact, I found myself feeling sort of annoyed by those thoughts, like, "Please. Those things are boring, and they're never going to happen. And if they do, I'll deal with it. Let's move on."
I suppose it's partly the drugs, and partly the fact that I'm working again ... Whatever, I'm glad to be feeling so much more like myself again. To celebrate, I took myself on a mini shopping spree for work clothes and even decided to splurge on some new boots, which I'm very happy with. Today I decided to go even a little further and throw away almost every black thing I own, and every piece of underwear that I hate. I don't want anything around anymore that I don't really love. Possibly I will even bite the bullet and get professionally fitted for a few bras, which I've been meaning to do for quite awhile anyway.
Plenty more is going on but that's all I feel like writing for now.
Having money again is nice. My health insurance will start in a couple of months. The work is interesting enough, fast-paced, varied and not too serious – designing sales materials and packaging for commercial horticultural equipment and supplies, with a little copywriting and editing to mix things up now and then – and the people are very nice. Don't remember if I mentioned it already but this is a dog-friendly office, so Bea will be coming to work with me as soon as this current crunch time has relaxed a bit. It's a block or so from a couple decent sandwich places and a 165-acre wetland park with paths and birds and water, where leashed dogs are actually allowed to walk with their humans ... so that's been fun to explore during lunch times.
A few things I've been wanting to write down for posterity:
1. My new commute is about 16 minutes of nothing but fields, farms and vineyards, and on the way to my very first day of work I happened to see a sheep giving birth to twin lambs right next to the road. I was so shocked I slowed the car way down to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing – I always thought they only bred them to lamb in the spring – and that was when I saw the second one fall out of her in a big gush of blood. Whoah. I took it as an auspicious sign. I've been watching them every day as I drive by and they're the cutest little things, leaping around and frolicking like lambs do, with their long waggly tails wriggling around all joyfully.
2. The first few nights, driving home in the dark, I was seized by an unreasonably intense fear of the dark. Some ancient animal part of me feels it really is not safe or wise to be out and about in the darkness, and wants to start building up the fire and nestling in when the sun goes down. It really struck me how much I've enjoyed being able to be at home in the evenings over the last year ... I look forward to being able to live that way again someday.
3. Another realization arrived at while driving to work: I was letting my mind drift, and I noticed it sort of lackadaisically scanning for anxiety, and then I noticed ... there was none. That got my attention. I started actively scanning my whole body and confirmed it – not a single molecule of anxiety to be found. It felt pretty amazing not only to feel totally fine and good for a change, but to realize how unaccustomed I'd become to feeling that way. I even started to test myself, digging around for my old list of upsetting thoughts that always circle around my brain when it's in that mode, and was unable to rustle up even the slightest bit of anxiety, even while dangling the thoughts enticingly right in front myself like those little pieces of bacon I use to tempt the dogs into doing tricks they think are beneath them. My brain just wouldn't bite. In fact, I found myself feeling sort of annoyed by those thoughts, like, "Please. Those things are boring, and they're never going to happen. And if they do, I'll deal with it. Let's move on."
I suppose it's partly the drugs, and partly the fact that I'm working again ... Whatever, I'm glad to be feeling so much more like myself again. To celebrate, I took myself on a mini shopping spree for work clothes and even decided to splurge on some new boots, which I'm very happy with. Today I decided to go even a little further and throw away almost every black thing I own, and every piece of underwear that I hate. I don't want anything around anymore that I don't really love. Possibly I will even bite the bullet and get professionally fitted for a few bras, which I've been meaning to do for quite awhile anyway.
Plenty more is going on but that's all I feel like writing for now.
2 Comments:
Boot pic, please!
So glad to read of how your transition's going, which coincides with the seasonal transition. I am envious of/impressed by/happy about your current no anxiety state.
Congrats on the new job--and double congrats on not feeling freaked out or stressed out. That is a major coup.
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