Nine hundred thousand birds
They were so loud I heard them from inside the house, and when I opened the door to look the sky was black with them for as far as I could see. I don't know what kind of birds they are – I just know they're small and dark, and enormous flocks of them pass through this time every year. This is the biggest group I've ever seen though. When they fly together they ripple and swirl the way a long silk sheet would if you held it up in the wind – one of the most beautiful sights I know, and something that always reminds me of when I first moved back to Northern California, because fall was my first season here and they were everywhere that year.
This morning they were in our big sycamore and a couple of big oaks across the road. The sound they made when they (seriously!) exploded out of the branches was like nothing I've ever heard before – yes, seriously! I've never heard anything like it. Maybe because I've never seen that many birds all start flying at the same time before. Standing on the porch fifty feet away, I felt the wind their wings made.
In a way I guess maybe it could have been a little scary too. Birds are kind of wonderful, and also kind of creepy. A certain famous horror film comes to mind. If they did decide to get together and do something ... luckily, in addition to old Hitchcock flicks we also have the expression "bird brain." Not to mention the Ginsberg tune of the same name. Remember that?
Anywho. For anyone who might have been worried, I'm feeling a lot better today. Being sick really does a number on me. Plus, I realized this morning – when I woke up with a mini-panic attack, just like I used to do when I was starting to get Sick (as compared with plain old lower-case sick), that I haven't really exercised at all since last week. It's funny – when I used to "suffer from depression" people used to always tell me I ought to try exercising more, for the endorphins, and I never really believed it would make any difference. But wow – it really, really does. Good to know.
I'm still going to look into finding a therapist, though. Jason was right – maintenance! I have been Not Dealing with some stuff I need to deal with, and I'm still not feeling up to Dealing With It on my own. And now that I'm feeling at least a little bit more like myself, I've suddenly remembered that I don't have to do everything myself. It's okay to ask for support.
For about six years before I started writing here at Tinarama, I had a different online journal that I subtitled, "It's Cheaper Than Therapy!" I was reading through some of the archives of that journal (no longer online, sorry) the other day and remembering how much I used to depend on journaling as a way to stay clear with myself about what I really thought, what I really wanted, and what I was really doing with my life. I found myself shocked, as I read, at how very clear I was in that journal, how frank and open, and I realized that by censoring my journaling in order to put it online in a more public space (this one), I've actually started losing some of my ability to see myself as clearly as I can when I think nobody I know is reading.
So in addition to getting back into counseling for awhile, I'm also going to start doing more private journaling again. It is cheaper than therapy, and I like it, and I miss it. I loved reading those old entries and remembering how good it felt to be clear and purposeful and not dependent on anyone else's opinion of me to show me what I "really" look like. If I make a point of paying attention to myself, I know what I look like.
I know I sound horribly, cringe-inducingly self-conscious and self-absorbed when I talk like this. And as another long-term friend pointed out to me not long ago, I know I also frequently sound like I'm defending myself, or trying to convince myself I really am "okay" ... And maybe I am. I'm okay with that, though. Everyone has their soft and tender spots, fears, insecurities ... these are some of mine. I'll be kind to you if you be kind to me.
This morning they were in our big sycamore and a couple of big oaks across the road. The sound they made when they (seriously!) exploded out of the branches was like nothing I've ever heard before – yes, seriously! I've never heard anything like it. Maybe because I've never seen that many birds all start flying at the same time before. Standing on the porch fifty feet away, I felt the wind their wings made.
In a way I guess maybe it could have been a little scary too. Birds are kind of wonderful, and also kind of creepy. A certain famous horror film comes to mind. If they did decide to get together and do something ... luckily, in addition to old Hitchcock flicks we also have the expression "bird brain." Not to mention the Ginsberg tune of the same name. Remember that?
Anywho. For anyone who might have been worried, I'm feeling a lot better today. Being sick really does a number on me. Plus, I realized this morning – when I woke up with a mini-panic attack, just like I used to do when I was starting to get Sick (as compared with plain old lower-case sick), that I haven't really exercised at all since last week. It's funny – when I used to "suffer from depression" people used to always tell me I ought to try exercising more, for the endorphins, and I never really believed it would make any difference. But wow – it really, really does. Good to know.
I'm still going to look into finding a therapist, though. Jason was right – maintenance! I have been Not Dealing with some stuff I need to deal with, and I'm still not feeling up to Dealing With It on my own. And now that I'm feeling at least a little bit more like myself, I've suddenly remembered that I don't have to do everything myself. It's okay to ask for support.
For about six years before I started writing here at Tinarama, I had a different online journal that I subtitled, "It's Cheaper Than Therapy!" I was reading through some of the archives of that journal (no longer online, sorry) the other day and remembering how much I used to depend on journaling as a way to stay clear with myself about what I really thought, what I really wanted, and what I was really doing with my life. I found myself shocked, as I read, at how very clear I was in that journal, how frank and open, and I realized that by censoring my journaling in order to put it online in a more public space (this one), I've actually started losing some of my ability to see myself as clearly as I can when I think nobody I know is reading.
So in addition to getting back into counseling for awhile, I'm also going to start doing more private journaling again. It is cheaper than therapy, and I like it, and I miss it. I loved reading those old entries and remembering how good it felt to be clear and purposeful and not dependent on anyone else's opinion of me to show me what I "really" look like. If I make a point of paying attention to myself, I know what I look like.
I know I sound horribly, cringe-inducingly self-conscious and self-absorbed when I talk like this. And as another long-term friend pointed out to me not long ago, I know I also frequently sound like I'm defending myself, or trying to convince myself I really am "okay" ... And maybe I am. I'm okay with that, though. Everyone has their soft and tender spots, fears, insecurities ... these are some of mine. I'll be kind to you if you be kind to me.
2 Comments:
Chalk those birds up to being one of your list of marvels you've witnessed. Wow!
I'm still blushing from the honorable mention.
You do have an endearing candor. Your defense of your defense: "Everyone has their soft and tender spots, fears, insecurities...these are some of mine." is tear-inducingly sweet and frank. More, you gently and actively persuade yourself; every conscious action requires rationale.
Too often we approach our feelings smeared with a rank contradiction, as if we're normally calculating automatons who occasionally admit to having a feelings component. When did such a macho sensibility barge in to the room full of human emotions? Why do you have to be tough with yourself? Is the only strong honesty, brutal?
The birds are starlings. They're an invasive species, but it's pretty ding-dong amazing to watch the incredible group dynamics they have.
And, yes, they are Hitchcockian, but not as Hitchcockian as crows or ravens.
Glad you're feeling better, but I agree that seeing a therapist is always a good idea. And exercise--it makes a huge difference!
Post a Comment
<< Home