Bon voyage

Well, the smoke has finally gotten to me. My throat is scratchy and my voice is hoarse, and I'm feeling weirded out and anxious about the strange quality of light in the sky all week, almost like the light during a solar eclipse. Right now the sun is going down and as I look out the window it's a deep, vivid red-orange color through the branches of the trees. The picture is of the mountain we live under, and the dry bed of the creek that runs behind our house. Usually there's water in it until at least the first part of August.

Seems like as good a time as any to get away for a week.

I'm leaving tomorrow and have suddenly realized I have nothing to special wear on this trip. I've been feeling really ugly lately anyway, and the thought of trying to come up with a whole week's worth of clothing I'll feel good in while seeing (being seen by) family and a few old friends fills me with dread and makes me remember why I started wearing a uniform in the first place. It's the same reason I standardize in so many other areas of my life, too: because it really cuts down on stress. Although it also creates stress, in the form of people who think it's not okay to wear the same outfit more than once in a week or so. I hate being disapproved of. But not enough to change this.

So it's two pants, two shirts, one skirt, one pair of shoes, one big piece of linen to wrap around myself if it gets cold, and that's it. Everything the same color, except one of the pants is a pair of jeans. No jewelry. Well, there is this little piece of leather cording I've been wearing wrapped around my neck, really simple; maybe I'll leave that on. And I guess I should take a bathing suit and sandals, for swimming with my nieces and nephews. And probably a hat, because of the sun. Urgh. See how quickly things start to get complicated?

And of course all it takes is one big glop of ketchup to drip out of your hamburger and down the front of your only shirt to drive home the fact that traveling with only one thing to wear is almost as stressful as dragging your entire wardrobe along for the ride.

Anyway! Clearly I'm still not feeling up to par. But I am looking forward to seeing everyone and I'm usually able to relax once I get there.

I had a nice birthday yesterday, once I got away from my office. The party was fabulous, and I don't know why this should have surprised me but everybody brought presents too, and it really blew me away to be in the middle of a bunch of people, all looking at me and smiling, and to feel mostly pretty okay about it. When I'm in the state of mind I've been in lately, being looked at – even by people I know and feel comfortable with – is like touching an exposed nerve. Waves of adrenaline surging through my body, and an intense desire to escape. I need to find some resources to read about this, and learn what the deal is ... what useful purpose could that kind of sensitivity possibly serve? I hate it.

ANYway. I guess I really don't have much to say; I'm just trying to procrastinate doing laundry and cleaning and thinking about what to have for dinner.

I will close with a small piece of interesting news on the job front: the big cheese asked me to take over as editor of the Web site they started for local dog enthusiasts last year. I'm cautiously optimistic that this could turn out to be a fun and interesting project for me, though the emphasis should remain on "cautious" because the only reason they're bringing it in-house is because the person they contracted with to make a go of it – someone who's developed similar sites very successfully elsewhere, apparently – has pronounced it unworkable, unprofitable and not worth her time. I doubt I'll be able to sell it if she hasn't been able to, but the goal now is not so much to make money but to re-architect the site for simplicity (a particular specialty of mine), adapt the content to the new, streamlined format, and then keep generating new content on a much less frequent basis.

Who knows what will happen over time (especially since I'll be working with someone who's kind of been demoted, and who I know doesn't like to "share" his projects), but if nothing else it made me feel good to be asked.

Okay. Laundry.