Facebook freakout
For about the last year or so various friends have been trying to get me to join Facebook, and until today I always declined. It's not that I don't want to keep in touch with friends, or make new ones, or even be visible online – obviously! It's just the whole idea of networking that makes me panic. I had this fear that if I put up a profile on Facebook, suddenly my entire life would become visible to untold millions of people – not in a semi-anonymous way, like with this blog, but with my actual name involved, and possibly even a picture of me. It is, after all, called FACE book.
But today for some reason, maybe because my dear brother asked me, I finally decided, what the heck. I'll do it. So I did.
As soon as my registration was complete I was suddenly able to see all kinds of people I've known over the years who are also on Facebook – even some I've known as far back as first grade. There they were. Their names, faces, credentials, cities of residence ... and that's where the trouble began.
Even though I hadn't done much in the way of filling in a profile, and hadn't made it public, I was quickly and violently overwhelmed with panic – heart pounding, body shaking, nausea, to the point where I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry for about 10 minutes. Just the thought that some of these people might see my name online, and possibly want to get in touch, totally freaked me out. Nevermind the fact that I might actually love hearing from a lot of them, and might even contact them myself at some point – this was about being SEEN.
A long hard bike ride home followed by a long hard dog walk and a long hot bath calmed me down to the point where now I'm back to feeling kind of excited about possibly getting back in touch with a lot of these folks. I'm also thinking again about finding a therapist to work with in the coming year, and also considering starting some anti-anxiety meds again. What this little episode has really highlighted for me is the extent to which my social anxiety has kept me from staying connected with people, making new connections, taking advantage of opportunities, and enjoying certain things in life that I think would be good for me if I weren't too panicked to do them.
I've always had anxiety but I think it's gotten a lot more pronounced since I moved here 15 years ago and started living out away from town – away from people. It makes sense that a person with this kind of nervous system would naturally gravitate toward a life with trees and plants and creeks and animals rather than people ... The peace and safety I feel when I'm alone with my dogs, walking in the hills or just puttering around the house ... that's real, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I've realized recently that one of the reasons I'm with Mr. A is because he's in some ways even more of a social hermit than I am, and so he never pressures me (much) to go out and party or socialize outside my comfort zone. Living with him, I could go weeks and weeks and never see or talk to anyone but him and the people I work with. It's comfortable. But it's sometimes kind of lonely and surreal. And it makes my anxiety worse when it does come.
This networking thing ... I have got to figure out how to do better with this. I love my quiet life, but in its better moments my mind really wants more, or at least more options. The only real security in the world is in knowing how to stabilize your own mind. Living in community with other people is probably the best practice there is for learning how to do that ... and I'm not getting as much practice as I could, living like this.
The very fact that I do have this kind of panic reaction is also embarrassing. I know it isn't normal, and it makes people uncomfortable when they realize how "upset" I am for no apparent reason. I've gotten so good at handling it that usually nobody even realizes I'm freaking out inside. Although it never lasts long, anyway.
Facebook I guess is a way to connect with people from a distance, and for me that's probably a pretty good place to start. That panic attack was a real surprise though. It's been awhile since I've had such a strong fear reaction to something that was supposed to be fun. A couple of things I should note – this kind of thing has happened to me before, and I know it passes quickly (usually as soon as I start talking to someone), so I've learned to just hang in there through the sweaty part until my adrenaline calms down and then I'm fine. So it's not like I'm a total social recluse – just that I have a strong tendency to want to be. Also, meeting new people or speaking to people I don't know doesn't bother me at all – this panic only happens with people I already know, who I haven't seen in awhile, and is directly related to how much I think they like me. I have this dread of being judged, held in contempt, disapproved of, compared to my former self and/or what they/I thought my potential was ... and found to be dismally lacking.
Of course, people are welcome to think whatever they want! I'm rational enough to see that even if they do think I'm a total loser, which I'm not, it really doesn't matter.
Getting back to the point though – for years this terror of being seen has kept me paralyzed and invisible, and I just got a little more clear today that it's time to step up my efforts to Get Over It.
So thanks, B. I think this Facebook thing will be good for me.
But today for some reason, maybe because my dear brother asked me, I finally decided, what the heck. I'll do it. So I did.
As soon as my registration was complete I was suddenly able to see all kinds of people I've known over the years who are also on Facebook – even some I've known as far back as first grade. There they were. Their names, faces, credentials, cities of residence ... and that's where the trouble began.
Even though I hadn't done much in the way of filling in a profile, and hadn't made it public, I was quickly and violently overwhelmed with panic – heart pounding, body shaking, nausea, to the point where I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry for about 10 minutes. Just the thought that some of these people might see my name online, and possibly want to get in touch, totally freaked me out. Nevermind the fact that I might actually love hearing from a lot of them, and might even contact them myself at some point – this was about being SEEN.
A long hard bike ride home followed by a long hard dog walk and a long hot bath calmed me down to the point where now I'm back to feeling kind of excited about possibly getting back in touch with a lot of these folks. I'm also thinking again about finding a therapist to work with in the coming year, and also considering starting some anti-anxiety meds again. What this little episode has really highlighted for me is the extent to which my social anxiety has kept me from staying connected with people, making new connections, taking advantage of opportunities, and enjoying certain things in life that I think would be good for me if I weren't too panicked to do them.
I've always had anxiety but I think it's gotten a lot more pronounced since I moved here 15 years ago and started living out away from town – away from people. It makes sense that a person with this kind of nervous system would naturally gravitate toward a life with trees and plants and creeks and animals rather than people ... The peace and safety I feel when I'm alone with my dogs, walking in the hills or just puttering around the house ... that's real, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I've realized recently that one of the reasons I'm with Mr. A is because he's in some ways even more of a social hermit than I am, and so he never pressures me (much) to go out and party or socialize outside my comfort zone. Living with him, I could go weeks and weeks and never see or talk to anyone but him and the people I work with. It's comfortable. But it's sometimes kind of lonely and surreal. And it makes my anxiety worse when it does come.
This networking thing ... I have got to figure out how to do better with this. I love my quiet life, but in its better moments my mind really wants more, or at least more options. The only real security in the world is in knowing how to stabilize your own mind. Living in community with other people is probably the best practice there is for learning how to do that ... and I'm not getting as much practice as I could, living like this.
The very fact that I do have this kind of panic reaction is also embarrassing. I know it isn't normal, and it makes people uncomfortable when they realize how "upset" I am for no apparent reason. I've gotten so good at handling it that usually nobody even realizes I'm freaking out inside. Although it never lasts long, anyway.
Facebook I guess is a way to connect with people from a distance, and for me that's probably a pretty good place to start. That panic attack was a real surprise though. It's been awhile since I've had such a strong fear reaction to something that was supposed to be fun. A couple of things I should note – this kind of thing has happened to me before, and I know it passes quickly (usually as soon as I start talking to someone), so I've learned to just hang in there through the sweaty part until my adrenaline calms down and then I'm fine. So it's not like I'm a total social recluse – just that I have a strong tendency to want to be. Also, meeting new people or speaking to people I don't know doesn't bother me at all – this panic only happens with people I already know, who I haven't seen in awhile, and is directly related to how much I think they like me. I have this dread of being judged, held in contempt, disapproved of, compared to my former self and/or what they/I thought my potential was ... and found to be dismally lacking.
Of course, people are welcome to think whatever they want! I'm rational enough to see that even if they do think I'm a total loser, which I'm not, it really doesn't matter.
Getting back to the point though – for years this terror of being seen has kept me paralyzed and invisible, and I just got a little more clear today that it's time to step up my efforts to Get Over It.
So thanks, B. I think this Facebook thing will be good for me.
Labels: anxiety
3 Comments:
well, i think it's very cool that you are so open about all of this. i think you are unwittingly helping other readers. i, for one, was thrilled to receive your friend request.
Interestingly enough, just today I just got a barrage of emails from people clamoring for me to get on Faceback (I think one of my friends launched a sort concerted attack-hee , hee!). I have been resisting joining mainly because I can see how it would just be an insane time suck. Reading this blog entry has made me consider a few other things. I don't know that it would cause me to panic, but there sure are a lot of unknowable ways in which it could evolve. Some could be very positive, as you mention, though, so I am seriously considering it.
Like you, I like the anonymity of a blog, but I'm thinking that maybe it's time to move on from the blog. Hmmmm.
Let us know how you like Facebook!
Make sure you familiarize yourself with the privacy settings. You don't have to put yourself out for all the world to see if you don't want to, and you can still enjoy much of the Facebook fun. You can, for example, set up your account so nobody can see you in a search, but you can see other users.
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