Early morning note to self

I just finished my letter and resume for this job I've had my eye on, and I have to say, now that it's done and I can see myself on paper – I'm really not nearly as lame as I was thinking I was last night. Even with the stress of working more often than not for rinky dink operations and failing family businesses, I've managed to amass quite a decent list of accomplishments over the last 20+ years.

This particular job I'm applying for was open last December, but I decided not to go for it because it's not local or bikeable – it's in the next town, and so would have necessitated buying a car. It still is, and will, but suddenly I'm seeing it more for what it is than for what it isn't. It's a real company with a professional staff and presumably the resources to produce some pretty kick-ass product. Also, it's in an industry I like, that is growing – not an industry I can't stand, that is shrinking. And finally, the job description truly is a perfect description of what I do best; it's almost as if it were written with me in mind. I hope they'll see it that way, too.

About the new job posting, I wonder if they hired someone who's no longer there, or if they're growing and need more people? That might be a good question at the interview (assuming I get one) – showing that I've been following the company for more than a year .... Hrm...

Anyway, just wanted to follow up my doom-fest of the other night with a happier, more optimistic post. Even if this job doesn't pan out, I feel so much better having written down everything I've been doing, and realizing that just because I've been working for a struggling, dysfunctional, fast&dirty style company for the last five years, that doesn't necessarily mean I've lost my ability to do really great work. I haven't. And I'm starting to feel kind of excited about working again for people who value my initiative and perfectionism, instead of frowning when I go the extra mile (because it makes everyone else look bad), and criticizing me for my "ego."

Of course the fact that I suddenly feel better about myself doesn't mean I'm any more likely to get this or any other job. I'm anxiously aware that the job market is flooded with talented, experienced people with kids and mortgages and car payments and credit card bills and all kinds of other financial obligations that make them way hungrier and more desperate than I am, at least so far, and therefore possibly more aggressively competitive .... And even if I get it, it's the same kind of job that I've been laid off from so many times in the past ... fluid workforce, easy to outsource, sitting at a desk all day, etc. etc. But I can cross those bridges when or if I come to them.

For now I'm just glad to have this done. Everything I need to impress these folks is wrapped up pretty and sitting in my drafts folder, awaiting a final review tomorrow morning – after which I will hold my breath, cross my fingers, kiss the keyboard and press "send."

Considering changing direction(again, and in more ways than one)

I've just discovered something new about myself this weekend: When it comes to looking for work, at least as far as Monster.com is concerned, I'm OLD. They didn't say so in so many words ... but tonight I was googling for inspiration to help me rewrite my resume, and ran across several articles about the "40-plus job seeker." Until today I hadn't realized I'm considered basically over the hill, expired goods, in need of special help ....

Among other depressing information, one article offers the opinion that any experience more than 10 years old is irrelevant, and recommends that in drafting my resume, I "compare myself to younger workers, who are engaged with the job market and know what employers want." Another article even goes so far as to suggest I consider cutting or coloring my hair so as to not "give away my age."

I was planning to get my hair cut anyway, so I guess I won't take that one personally. But wow. Instead of feeling empowered, these articles sort of make me feel ... the opposite. Far from helping me solve a problem – how to present my earlier experiences as being relevant to the job at hand – they've informed me I have a new, bigger problem I didn't even know about.

Well, they may have a point. I am older now than I've ever been before. And while it's certainly possible to write up my most recent experience in positive terms, the truth is that I haven't had what I consider a "real" job in almost nine years. My plan when I left the software industry was to stop commuting and commit myself to living and working here in town, conserving resources, dedicating myself to supporting the social and economic health of my local community, blah blah blah. I've been lucky enough to be able to somehow always cobble together some sort of job, but it's never been very interesting, challenging or secure, and I've certainly never made much money at it. Still, until now it's been working. Sort of. But then the other day I ran across a folder full of emails I wrote right after I moved here in 1995, and realized as I read through them that it's never really been feasible for me to do what I've been doing – trying to do – in this town. It's been a struggle the entire time.

I need a new plan.

It's time to let go of the struggle and get real about where I'm living, and what I can do here that will be sustainable for the next 25 years. Even if I find another writing, editing or design job now, I'm feeling pretty clear that over the longer term I need to start moving toward doing something else. Something that brings me into closer contact with other people, that doesn't require me to sit at a desk all day. Something I can keep doing until I'm old. Something that can't be outsourced. Something that means something to me.

It's hard to get my mind around the idea of doing something completely different from what I've been doing for the last 20+ years. Especially since I'm not sure what else I might do. The main thought I keep coming back to is "something in healthcare ...." – a category so enormous I hardly know where to begin thinking about it. In my 20s I went through a period of being obsessed with childbirth, and began some training as a lay midwife. In my early 30s I finished a certification as a labor and delivery doula, although I only ever attended one birth – and that was a caesarean, so I wasn't allowed in the delivery room. Lately I've been interested in diabetes education, and health education in general – and I've obviously been interested in therapy and mental health issues for a very long time. There's also hospice ... I've had some very interesting conversations with a friend who's a hospice nurse ....

So I'm starting to look into various programs I could do within a reasonable distance from home – RN, MFT, MSW .... And also trying to figure out what jobs might actually exist locally, or within a short commute. At some point I'll also need to figure out how to pay for my new education, assuming I can even get into a program. I keep hearing it's not easy. And then, of course, I'll also need to find an actual JOB in my new field, so I can pay off my student loans ....

See how good I am at scaring myself away from actually doing anything? Like rewriting my resume, which is what I'm really supposed to be doing right now?

Well, one thing at a time.

Maybe the first thing I should do is revisit the question of whether I'm really going to be able to live the rest of my life without anxiety meds. Getting off them was a big part of the reason I took the "go local" route – I thought I would trade in the big paycheck and high stress level for a simpler, easier life with small but pure pleasures and a focus on quality over quantity ... and in a way, it sort of worked. I did go off the meds, and have stayed off them. But how well is it really going? I'm still hamstrung by anxiety, even though I've made my life just about as simple and small as it can possibly be. And it just keeps getting smaller.

On the other hand, how much did the drugs ever really help? I really can't remember. Would they help me now, at least to get my mind together enough to apply for a job, or a master's program? I can sit here and write this kind of drivel all night long, but when it comes to really focusing on something important (like my damn resume!) the anxiety leaps up from the floor where it's been snoozing and grabs me by the throat, and my heart starts pounding and my mind starts racing and I just can't concentrate at all.

Even so, I have to try. I am going to send that letter and resume to this company on Monday morning, whether I'm satisfied that it's perfect or not.

P.S. I just reread this and almost want to delete it ... I sound so boring and pathetic. Maybe next time I'll make a point of reporting something interesting, encouraging or beautiful. One thing I could mention today is how much I've been enjoying the fall colors, and the colder nights. We've had the wood stove going pretty much continuously for the last couple of weeks and I love to sit and watch the flames.

Extended stay

It appears being laid off has left me even more disturbed than I had realized. Several hours into my six-day road trip with a friend, some baggage shifted and as I was leaning into the back seat to straighten it, my friend said something about how lightly I had packed. "I'd never be able to pack just one little bag for a two-week trip."

"Two weeks?" I said.

"Um ... we're going back next Tuesday, so ..."

"Oh. Next Tuesday."

Turns out I had not noticed the actual dates of the trip, and read the "Thursday ... blah blah blah ... Tuesday" part as being the same 4-6 day trip I almost always do when I come here. This is typical of the kind of mistake I might make when my mind is stressed and distracted, but I've never blown it to this degree before. Not that it's such a bad thing, though -- Mr. A is home with the dog and aside from missing them there really isn't any other reason to rush back home on my original schedule.

So I'm here until next Tuesday, and today I'm spending some time planning what I'm going to do. Definitely pump up the tires on my mom's bike, and ride around some. There are hikes I want to do, and friends to catch up with, and lunches to eat at posh mountain resorts ... Also, there's a freelance copywriting project my brother-in-law was nice enough to send my way, which needs to be done by Wednesday.

So the exercise is going to be essential, because my poor mind/body is still freaking out, even though I keep trying to tell it everything is going to be OK. The worst part is the steady stream of rejection dreams -- every night I get kicked out of the car at the side of a road in a strange place, locked out of a building, broken up with by a series of strangely faceless husbands and boyfriends. And it's not just the rejection, it's the humiliation. Almost all of the dreams end with me crying hysterically and begging to be taken back, and waking up drenched in adrenaline and stress chemicals.

So blah blah blah and woe is me, etc. I'm not sure what to do to make this pass any faster, so as usual I'm dumping it all out in this boring online journal in hopes of letting it go long enough to accomplish some work and get some enjoyment out of the day.

On a completely unrelated note: I'm writing this in my dad's office and just noticed the little green plastic wind-up frog I gave him a few years ago sitting on the desk, right in front of a picture of my grandparents. It was just a silly little gift, and he's kept it around all this time. Not only that, but it has a little piece of wire wrapped around it where he's very carefully repaired the mechanism that makes the arms move. For some reason this strikes me as a really sweet thing to have done.

P.S. As for packing too light for a two-week trip, I pack pretty much the same (as much as I can carry without sweating) whether I'm going to be gone for two days or two months, so that wasn't really an issue. I might get some new hiking boots while I'm here though, if I can find some that I like. We did about an 8-mile hike last weekend in some fairly rugged terrain, and hoo boy were my feet killing me by the time we were done. Don't want to repeat that experience, or cut a great hike short because my dawgs are barking.

P.S.2. And another thing -- I'm curious to know why the exact same 6 oz. package of raspberries, with the same label, from the same farm in California, costs $5.99 at home and only $2.48 here. Doesn't it seem like the cost of travel would make it more expensive here, instead of less? Same with the exact same label, exact same farm avocados -- 25 cents each here, vs. $2.99 at home. I will definitely be investigating this situation while I'm here.

I'm here

Just a quickie to write down something interesting that happened to me this morning.

I've been waking up way too early as it is, and Daylight Saving Time has not helped. Usually the first thing I notice when I realize I'm awake is that flood of adrenaline sloshing through my guts. Once I'm up I can get it back down to a manageable level by exercising – I feel fine as long as I'm moving fairly fast, walking or hiking or riding my bike. If I go hard enough, the effect lasts awhile, at least long enough to give me a few good hours to focus on freelance work. But it always seems to creep back up again, the longer I sit ... bad news for someone whose only source of income depends on spending time in front of a computer.

I feel good while I'm walking. But I can't walk all day.

This gives me pause, when I think about what I'm going to do next for work. Am I really going to try to find another job that involves sitting at a desk? What else do I really know how to do? When I get back from this little Utah trip (driving out tomorrow for a few days, with a friend who's going for business – so, free gas and hotels!) I'm thinking I might re-activate my substitute teaching credential and see if I like being in a classroom at all. That's a job where you actually get to stand up every once in awhile ....

Anyway – on to what happened this morning, and then I've gotta get out of here and get some exercise so I can get this little project finished before I leave tomorrow.

So this morning I had an experience of pure, open awareness, just as I was waking up. I realized I was awake, but there were no thoughts there – I was just there, warm and safe and quiet with the sun shining through the window. Then, the first thought that came into my mind was, "I'm here." That was all. It was just like what the Buddhist texts describe as emptiness – I was just there, and there wasn't any story attached to that moment, or emotion, or judgment, or anything.

It only lasted a few seconds and then there was a thought, "NO JOB!!!!!!!!!!" Then an immediate stab of adrenaline, a gush of terror .... And then for a few more seconds I was actually able to clear all that out and go back to just being there. Then it came back, and I started twitching and shaking and had to get up. Sucks to be sensitive.

What caught my attention thinking about it later was that nothing had changed in my circumstances to cause the change in my physical state. I hadn't even moved my body. It was the story that was being told inside my head that was causing all the hullabaloo. It was in my mind, and not in my body – because my body was totally fine, relaxed and even kind of happy until the story asserted itself again.

Not to discount the story, exactly – it is true that I don't have a job, and I'm going to need to figure out what to do about that. But that fact doesn't have to be the central defining feature of my existence or my state of mind.

So today I'm thinking about how I might learn to have more of those moments of OKness, by practicing refocusing on the present instead of letting my mind go to town on hyperinflated fear stories.

In the meantime, I'm just feeling grateful to have experienced it. The memory of that moment feels like something I'm going to be able to work with for a long time.