Monday, October 25, 2010

I had a dream / the river

It happened last week. I meant to write it down that day, that very morning, so I wouldn't forget any of it. Then I got busy, and a few days passed ... and now all I can remember is that it featured my ex-husband introducing me to his new family, including several kids he's had with his new wife (this was just in the dream – I have no idea if he's actually had more kids with her), and ended with me feeling happiness and compassion for him, suddenly somehow completely cured of that last lingering smudge of resentment and/or contempt that's been dogging me ever since I left him, whenever I happen to think of him.

It seems to be lasting, too. I still don't want anything to do with him, but I no longer have any real negative feelings left toward him. It's a huge relief. Those feelings take up so much space in your heart, when you let them.

Another wonderful thing that's happened this week is that the creek behind our house is finally flowing again. Last Friday it started to rain, and it rained pretty steadily all day weekend. Saturday night on my way home from an awesome restorative yoga class (a gift from my old roommate S., whom I've been enjoying reconnecting with lately) I stopped to check the creekbed and it was still empty. By ten o'clock the next morning it was as full as I've ever seen it, except when it's flooding. I took both dogs back there and we spent over an hour playing at the edge of the water, in the pouring rain. It was Bea's first time ever to experience that kind of water and she loved it.

I love it too. People have written more eloquently than I ever could about the healing properties of water ... so I'll just say, yeah. It works for me. Watching and listening to that creek flow is one of the most calming, affirming and happifying things I know. Every year I wait for the day the flow begins. And every year there it is again.

I've had two job interviews and calls for two more since the last time I wrote. I'm still a little ambivalent, but less and less so as I get more used to the idea of working full-time again. Late this afternoon I got a voicemail from the manager at the job I think would be best, and when I call him back tomorrow I suspect he's either going to ask me back for a second interview or offer me the job. This is the one where I would be driving ten miles, but you can take dogs to work. I've also had several calls from the manager from the other interview, the low-paying one that is closer to home, who is waiting for budget approval from her boss but seems to want to not let me get away in the meantime ....

So – to summarize – still no official offers yet, but things seem to be starting to move. Take it as it comes, I suppose. Even if I don't get any of these jobs, I'm getting a lot of great feedback from people and that always feels good.

And finally, since I seem to be incapable of writing a post that doesn't focus in some way on my anxiety, I'll close by saying that it seems to be mostly pretty manageable lately. I've sort of recommitted myself to cutting way way back on carbohydrates, especially processed sugar, and have been doing well with my exercise "routine," such as it is – basically, two to three yoga classes a week, plus walking the dogs about two miles a day, plus the occasional running on the treadmill (a great way to burn off extra adrenaline and blood glucose, all at the same time). I've had a few bad mornings in the last week or so, but nothing too disabling. It will be interesting to see how the transition back to work affects my chemistry .... I've decided to assume it's going to be just fine, however it all rolls out. Again: Take it as it comes.

What else? I think I might have run over a cat today. I didn't see anything, but I heard a little thump on the side of the car and when I looked in the rear view mirror I saw something (a cat? a possum?) sort of jumping and leaping in place by the side of the road. I turned around at the end of the next block and went back to see if I could help, but by the time I got there, whatever it was was gone. It's sort of been haunting me all day. I've only ever killed three other animals with a car, that I know of – one rabbit, one squirrel, and one bird – all completely unavoidable. Just another reason I'd love to never have to drive.

Don't know why I'm even mentioning that. It seems kind of gloomy. I guess I just don't want to forget that it happened; the life of that little animal, whatever it was, deserves to be acknowledged.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Job conflict

Just a quick followup to take note that since the last time I posted I've started my one-day-a-week part-time job and been called to interview for two more jobs. One of which I might actually kind of like to take.

Might. Kind of.

Except that a huge part of me – huge! – has been SO enjoying being at home and taking care of the house, Mr. A., dogs, errands, chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. etc. .... I don't know why I should feel so embarrassed to love it so much, but I do. I would love to go on like this forever. Does that make me a slacker? A parasite? A bad feminist? Why don't I value the work I've been doing in my family and community for the last year, as much as the work I've done for money? Actually, I do value it as much. More, even, now that I'm starting to really settle into it and understand what a difference it makes in my life, and the lives of everyone around me. I just don't think very many other people do.

And money is important too – being able to take care of myself. Plus, I do like working. I just don't like working 40+ hours a week, away from home. Ideally I'd work maybe 20 hours, 30 tops. The 40-hour work week just feels like too much for me, these days. So I feel excited, and also conflicted.

Writing it all down, as usual, in an attempt to disperse some of the emotions I'm wrestling with, so I can get some sleep.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

My favorite place: an update


This is where I've been spending as much time as possible lately. It's a tiny little beach but because you have to hike a bit to get there, and probably for other reasons too, it's never all that crowded. I've been swimming as much as I can, just floating and diving and letting myself be carried by the waves. We saw dolphins doing the same thing a couple of weeks ago ... probably they were hunting too, I suppose ... anyway, it was cool to see them.

I appear to be entering perimenopause. The infamous fuzzy thinking has definitely taken hold, and I'm considering it one of the blessings of this time of my life that I'm not presently encumbered with a job that would make fuzzy thinking a detriment. When it takes over, I'm mostly able to just go with it. Which is not to say that I'm not getting anything useful done, just that I'm doing it at my own pace and timing rather than feeling bound to work by someone else's guidelines. It's actually pretty great. The hot flashes, not so much. I'm fine tuning my diet this month though and am expecting to be able to continue just riding them out when they happen. So far they've been few and far between, and uncomfortable, but not unbearable.

We missed the window of opportunity to live outdoors for a month or two while redoing the entire house, so have been focusing instead on doing other stuff that doesn't require emptying all the furniture out into the yard. The carpets have been shampooed and re-shampooed to within an inch of their lives, and amazingly, they look almost new again – so much so that I'm a little embarrassed at having waited to so long to do them. I really thought they were beyond hope. We now have the whole winter to look at flooring, cabinets, lighting and fixtures and make some well-considered decisions about what will work for the rest of our lives – since I never want to have to do this again – instead of rushing into a quick choice that may or may not end up making us (meaning, me) happy.

I've been looking at pictures of places I used to live in, and remembering things I liked and didn't like. The good news is, I still like a lot of the same stuff I've always liked, like unpainted solid wood doors, wood floors, checkered tile in the kitchen, certain colors and patterns ... If I've already liked it for 45 years, it's a good bet I will continue to like it. So we'll probably end up going with that. With some variations just for fun, of course.

Yoga is going great. I love, love, love my practice and my teacher. I'm riding my bike a lot more again now too, now that Bea is old enough to be left alone for more than just a few hours at a time. That's been really wonderful. Mr. A took me to test ride a few full-suspension mountain bikes and I'm thinking maybe I'll get into some off-road riding this year, in addition to my usual riding-for-transportation. It was amazing to ride off a curb on a bike so springy I hardly felt the bump. Also, I've started running, very tentatively, and swimming at the gym every once in awhile. And walking the dogs two to four miles a day. For all the work I've been doing, strangely, I haven't lost much weight ... I still look about the same as I always have. I feel good though. The depression seems to be fading too, for which I'm very grateful.

Not much is happening on the job front, though I am starting to look more seriously again. I sent several resumes last week, including one where an old friend is at least partly in charge of hiring (so, fingers crossed for at least an interview), and received a rejection notice from a barista position at Whole Foods. Hrmph. I've been working 10-20 hours a week on various web projects, and starting this week will be working one day a week at my friend's froufy home furnishings shop again, the same one I worked at last time I was grievously underemployed. She is sweet and the shop is beautiful, and I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and interacting with actual human beings on a more regular basis again.

As for school, I'm contemplating whether I want to reapply to that program now or not. I still don't have the experience they want, and not really any prospect of obtaining it, so it seems kind of pointless. There are other programs, though. In the meantime I'm looking for a place to start learning Spanish. Seems like a good thing for anyone living and working in California to know, and I've got the time. And I like languages. So there's that.

The dogs are great. They're a huge part of my life right now. Is that pathetic, or wonderful? I choose to think of it as wonderful. Bea is 45 lbs now and won first prize in the games at her graduation from puppy school, for mastering and demonstrating the most tricks and commands. She has several puppy friends that we meet at the dog park every once in awhile, and is turning out to be a complete and utter sweetie pie. She's still breaking in her big girl teeth on everything she can get a hold of, and she loves to dig in her water bowl, but the incessant frantic barking is finished and she's finally starting to enjoy snuggling and snoozing without constantly chewing on our hands and faces.

Yesterday we found out she's now tall enough to reach things on the kitchen counters – for example, the 3/4 lb steak that was cooling on a plate, waiting to be sliced over salads. I thought Mr. A had put it in the fridge, and he though I had, so it took us awhile to realize that the puppy snoring away on her back in the middle of the floor was not just sleepy from playing all morning, but from the aftereffects of a very large protein snack. I still don't know how she did it without pulling the plate off the counter, or leaving some tell-tale greasy mess somewhere ... But I know it wasn't me who ate it, and it wasn't Mr. A, and Tater can't stand up on his hind legs like that anymore, even if he wanted to – which he never has done in his life, anyway. What with him being the world's most perfect dog and all.

It was actually pretty cool to imagine her enjoying that steak though. I wish I could have seen her. Especially because it will (must) never happen again. I'm working with her now to make sure she understands the counter is not a place for dogs to eat, ever, ever, ever. Kind of sad, in a way, but probably best for everyone.

In other news, I just looked into a little mirror I have here on my desk and saw that I seem to be growing some new little nose hairs I never noticed before. Oh dear.

And finally, fall is time to dream of boots ... I haven't decided yet if I'm going to spend any money on boots this winter. It turns out I don't really love the ones I got last year, and have hardly worn them. Possibly I will sell them on eBay ... they're seriously almost brand new. I even still have the box. Anyway, in closing, here are a few that I've been looking at for 2010-11.




What are you wearing on your feet lately?

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