The opposite of "to prefer"

One of the things I un-prefer about working weird hours and long weekends is that it inevitably disrupts my already tenuous relationship with the waking-sleeping cycle. I've been a terrible sleeper for many years, I don't even really remember how long ... once I'm asleep I do OK, but getting there is never easy. Right now, for example, I know I "should" be asleep, or at least heading in that direction. I had a wicked long day today, and have another one coming tomorrow. But my mind will just not shut up.

It's not the anxiety-based un-sleeping I get when I'm in panic attack mode. It's more just run-of-the-mill busy thoughts – thoughts about food (Mr. A forgot to buy eggs today, what will I have for breakfast?), blood sugar (it's 86 right now ... should I eat something before I go to bed? What should I eat? Cheese? Nuts? A little cracker ... how many carbs is that? 10? Maybe a quarter cup of milk?), the house (should I scrape the ceilings first, or paint first, or try to do both at the same time?), teeth (my new anti-grinding device is causing me to wake up with one tooth feeling out of place ... that can't be good ... although it's always back in place again by the end of the day ...), dogs (if I wake up one more morning with my bed full of dirt, bark, pine needles and broken walnuts, I really might just start screaming at someone), my weight (must get back on track with losing more weight – those jeans I hadn't worn in awhile felt a little tight today), jewelry (thinking of three or four different ways to finish a new bone mala I've been working on), old age, saddle soap, Jack London in his underwear (so glad I found a way to use that in the magazine!), my friend's book that I promised to promote (will she like the review, or be disappointed – but I gave her a big picture!), another friend's shop that I would also like to feature except we just did a bling story and probably won't do another for at least a half a year .....

Work, old age, my teeth, my feet, work, work, work, the garden, the house, the new wood stove (so nice to be warm but I'd forgotten about all the ashes), the pictures of my friend's gorgeous 20-something son and friends, which reminded me again (shockingly!) that I really am NOT in my 20s anymore, or even in my 30s ... wishing I'd known how beautiful we all were then, trying to fully enjoy how beautiful I am / we all are right now .... Wondering what's to come, when will my hair be white instead of red .....?

Sometimes I watch myself in the videocam on this computer and catch glimpses of other members of my family – just now I saw a little bit of one of my brother's girls in my face, which I had never noticed before.

See, none of this is very interesting. Just this stream of thoughts. And yet I can't seem to shut it off. Maybe an audiobook would do the trick. Mr. A brought home Alan Greenspan's new opus from the library ... if it didn't take forever to move the files onto the iPod I would do that right now.

Pre-Thanksgiving cheesecake (beefcake?)

One of the things I still love about my job is the time I get to spend looking through weird old historic photos of the various famous people who have lived in my burg/village/valley over the years. Recognize this handsome fellow? He's going to be the cover guy on the next issue of the magazine I art direct – a different photo, but I think I'm going to find a way to use this one somewhere inside. It would make a great cover though too, wouldn't it?

Work continues to be insane but I've managed to get a day off for Thanksgiving tomorrow – though I worked four hours after everyone else had gone home today, and will also work most or all of the weekend. The reasons why are annoying and I hope they will be dealt with, but I have no authority to do anything about the situation except complain on my blog, so I'm going to let it go. As it is, the press check has been pushed back two weeks, to the very last possible moment we could push it and still have the book out before Christmas. Which means I'll be able to narrowly avoid traveling in the Christmas rush at the airport. Good news.

The boots arrived today and I was right – the ones I wanted are all wrong in the toe. Why do the shoe designers think every woman wants her feet to look dainty and slender? This is actually a pet peeve of mine from way back: I hate it when the proportions of things are wrong, and trying to apply a single standard of proportion (long, narrow, pointy) to every foot on every woman's body regardless of the shape, size or proportion of the rest of her body is just so WRONG! I may have mentioned this before but I have a rather serious aversion to long, narrow and pointy things, especially hands and feet – to me, the ideal shape for hands and feet is more square in overall proportion, with square or round ends on all the pieces. There are exceptions, of course. For instance, a long, thin person with a beautifully shaped head (the shape of the skull is critical to the overall look, in my opinion – and there's only so much a good haircut can do to mitigate an unfortunate cranial configuration) is perfectly welcome to also have long, thin hands and feet.

But a person whose hands and/or feet are too small for their body, or whose head is too small – this will drive me to distraction. I have this problem a little bit with my own head, actually. Not that it's too small, but I have a sort of flat spot on the back of my skull that makes it impossible for me to have very short hair. (By the way – hats are the perfect solution for a disproportionate head. I'll never understand why people stopped wearing them.)

Pointy-toed cowboy boots, or fetish boots, or certain very beautiful vintage pumps (with or without kitten heel) are OK with me. I'm not able to wear them myself, but I appreciate and approve of them.

Anyway. The boots are too narrow and tapered in the toe, and they will be going back. Next, I will try a pair of the plain old classic Frye engineer boots – the 12R, in black. These, as I've already mentioned, have the problem of the curvy heel ... which I just don't know if I can get over. I'm going to try. And if I can't stand it, I guess I'll just get the black version of the round-toed riding boots I've been wearing for the last two years. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

Enough boot talk. Enough frivolous fashion talk! This is what it comes to though when I'm brain dead from overwork, and preoccupied by thoughts of all the yummy desserts (for tomorrow! not tonight!) just a few feet away, over in the fridge. Not to mention the Iron Chef Thanksgiving Challenge going on in the background – they're doing duck, my favorite. And venison!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaking of black leather(breaking in the Brooks)

I wanted to follow up on my new bike saddle post of awhile ago. This is the one I ended up with – the B68. It's black instead of brown, and no springs. They're heavy and squeaky, and since I already have a suspension seat post there didn't seem to be any need for them.

So I've been riding on it for a few weeks and am happy to report that my fear of the "impossible to break in" Brooks saddle seems to have been greatly exaggerated. Yeah, it's pretty stiff at first – almost like sitting on a piece of wood. The first ride, my butt bones were not happy. But my other parts, the ones that hated my last saddle, loved it. I can't say (yet) that it's the most comfortable saddle I've ever ridden ... but it was clear from first ride that it has the potential to be. My main complaint so far is that it's too slippery. I imagine that will lessen as the leather softens up.

In other black leather news, I did finally order some boots. Three pairs actually, in hopes that at least one of the three will work. In the end what I'm looking for is not a gorgeous pair of fancy dress boots but a clompy pair of kick-ass riding boots, so the ones I ordered are all some variation of the classic engineer boot. Why variation? Because the actual classic engineer boot is, I don't know, kind of too mannish, even for me. Plus, I don't like the way they cut the heel all curvy:



Just my weird little bias. I like a straight-cut heel.


The ones I'm hoping will work are from Frye, which means they cost about twice as much as I wanted to spend, but will last forever or until I get tired of them – which, given my habit of relentlessly searching out the perfect thing and wearing it until it rots off my body, may never happen.

My big hesitation in ordering these boots is that they look like they might be too narrow, or too "nice" looking. I won't know how they fit or whether I really like them until they get here. That's the trouble with living in a town so small you have to pretty much order everything off the Internet, and then wait .... But it's better than living in a very small town without the Internet (which is how I grew up), so I'm not complaining.

Especially if it means that while shopping for boots, I may get to look at something like these bubble-gum-scented beauties!

I don't know if they're really bubble-gum-scented. But they should be, right?

In Russia they still wear fur

Okay – yes – I know it's wrong! But seriously, does this not look like the most fabulously warm and decadent coat you've ever seen in your life? It never gets cold enough here to wear a coat like that, even if wearing fur was not heinous (unless it's your own) ... but I can imagine whistling over the surface of some icy tundra in an open sleigh, under the clear black starry sky, with the smell of horses and pine trees freezing in my nostrils ... wearing this coat.

Anyway. I found it here, while googling around for winter boots. This site (do click the link!) is SO much fun – you can put together all kinds of amazing fantasy outfits and find fabulous clothes and shoes and other things that you might never otherwise run across, because you don't even know they exist and therefore cannot look for them.

So I spent some time playing around there, but I still haven't found the boots I'm looking for. Will I know them when I see them? Yes. Do I know exactly what I need? Mmmm ... kind of. I know they must be black, no laces, zipper maybe (I'd prefer no zipper), at least a 1-2" platform, and anywhere between lower-calf and mid-calf height. They should be reasonably waterproof. Round or square toe, not pointed. Not too fancy. Any buckles or other visually complicated details would have to be at or below the ankle. On second thought, no buckle would be best, I think. MAYbe a harness ring, as long as they're not too stiff.

Is this a shallow and boring blog post? Yes. That can be a good thing though. My tolerance for drama has been put to the test this week and found lacking. Also, I just found out I'm going to be working not only the rest of this weekend but most likely all of next weekend as well. So a little bubble-headed frivolity is feeling like just what the doctor ordered.

For example, these.


And actually it's kind of interesting, thinking about these shoes, and posting a picture of them ... because I know the perpetrator of last weekend's sexual assault reads this blog, and normally I wouldn't think twice about posting a picture of some high-heeled leopard-print fetish shoes, but now – I am thinking twice. And I'm feeling myself inhibited by the knowledge that to some people, my posting of a picture like this might be taken as permission or an invitation to view me as some kind of fetish object. Which, just for the record, it is NOT.

P.S. Just to be obnoxious, here are a few pictures of boots I've considered and rejected. These might have worked despite the zipper, but they're only made for men and my feet are too small to wear men's sizes.



There really isn't anything right about these, except that I just love them. Unfortunately, they only come in little girls' sizes. And they cost $400.


These could work if I could find them in my size. Are Doc Martens waterproof though? I can't remember. Somehow I think they're not.


These, I don't know ... they're a little too short, and I've had boots kind of like this before and they never really got comfortable, even after years and years of trying to break them in. I finally sent them to the Goodwill last winter.



These looked interesting, if a little space-ship. They're Earth boots, so I know they would fit my foot (not an easy requirement to meet), but I think they have a little too much going on up around the top. And I'm not so sure that grommet thing at the ankle would not fill up with water at some point and leave me slogging around in wet socks all the rest of the day.

Looking for something a little less butch (not that I have anything against butch boots – obviously!), I pondered these ... But they're suede, they're not quite black, I don't know how durable they'd be, they're made for snow and may be too hot, and they cost around $300, which is more than I wanted to spend. They would look nice with certain dresses and skirts, though. There's also a shorter version made of "butter-soft calfskin," which is beautiful but not durable enough. I am hard on boots in at least six different ways.



For something completely different, I considered this stretchy microfiber boot .... I dunno. They could be fun. Sorta fancy, sorta krazy, at least for me – tall and skinny and somewhat polished and possibly presentable ... not much like anything else I've ever worn. But are they durable? And comfortable? Hmph. Probably not enough.

It's possible I may end up with these. They've been in my shopping cart for a couple of days and I just can't bring myself to order them ... kinda expensive, and I'm pretty sure they're too tall. They also look like they might be a little too "nice" for all the abuse I plan to put them through. But I might order them and at least just walk around the living room a few times, just to see.


Or, maybe I'll just get another pair of my favorite old standby brown riding boots and call it a day. I've worn a pair of these almost every day for the last two winters. They're about worn out though, and even if I do get a new pair (which of course I will, I love them), the problem is, they're a little short for some outfits, and the brown just doesn't go with everything. I wonder if they come in black? Hrm.


I could go on and on, but I'm kind of getting exhausted just thinking about it.

Yes, I'm going to write about it

Overall, the Northwest weekend was wonderful. Great friends, food, wine, chocolate, tidepools, a small red octopus, several beautiful hikes, waterfalls, lots of laughing, etc. etc. etc. The part that I need to write about though is not wonderful, but horrible – the kind of thing that makes you wish you could turn the calendar back a week and take another stab at doing it over again, the right way.

Without going into the personal details, what happened was that one person in the group repeatedly abused the trust and good will of several of the women, one of them way beyond what can easily be brushed off as a stupid drunken indiscretion. I just found out about this last part and don't know if she found it terrifying or just really, really repulsive. As for me, I will go ahead and call it like I see it: assault by a sexual predator. The details I know about it make me sick to my stomach. I was sleeping in another room not 30 feet away from where it happened.

This group of friends has known each other for over 20 years – over 25 years, some of us – and over that time we've done a lot of experimenting with each other's boundaries, emotionally and in other ways. I've felt safer being myself with these people than with just about anyone else I've ever known, including some members of my own family (though this is changing, largely due to the ability to stay open that I've learned by practicing with this group). To think that one of us would violate the trust of not just a few of the women but the entire group makes me really angry, and also makes me question the safety I've felt with these friends all along.

If we're really all so comfortable with each other, why have none of us ever talked about the way we feel about how this person treats women? Or maybe not everyone shares my goal of more openness? Why have the women always tried to be polite and discreet and not hurt his feelings when he's being inappropriate, instead of calling him on it to his face? Why haven't we talked about this with the other men in the group? And how the hell could someone I know and trust(ed) do something so clearly shitty and heinous? Without apparently even realizing that that was what it was?

Also: Will the group recover and get stronger from this experience? Or will we all shut down just a little more, trust others a little less, feel just a little more alone in the world? I guess more than the injury to any one individual that is the possibility that makes me angriest of all. A sense of community like this is so rare – the older I get, the more I see that. I had been looking forward to this weekend as an opportunity to renew those bonds and go deeper with people I've known for half my life. How dare he do something that could jeopardize all of our ability to feel safe connecting like that?

How COULD he? And what are we supposed to do now?

All this is not to totally demonize this person, who after all is still the same man he was before last weekend. Life is complicated, and even the most painful stuff can be compost to grow ourselves into better, kinder, stronger and happier people. The best way I know to help that happen is simply to tell the truth, and to keep an open mind as to where we might find ourselves when all the facts are known.

Forgiveness also figures in there somewhere. Sometime. I hope.

For now though, I'm still pissed.

The ultimate recycled shoes?

I just don't know if it's possible to get any better than these. I'm intrigued enough to consider maybe I really could construct my own totally rad platforms, to my own embarrassingly exacting specifications. The materials for these are readily available: recycled bicycle inner tubes, recycled cardboard, recycled tire treads. Wearable? Mmmmmmaybe .... or maybe not. On the other hand: Stylie as all getout? I should say so. Check them out here.

No time to write much these days, or at least not much that's well-considered and worth reading. Work has been busy and will continue to be, but that isn't stopping me from taking a long weekend off to go to a birthday party in Seattle, followed by (hopefully) some kick-ass hiking in green and mossy places along the way home.

Later.

Further thoughts

I was just rereading that long slog of a blog post I wrote the day of the election and realized I may have left a few things unclear.

One is, that whole extended whine about the Fannie/Freddie thing. I'm not begrudging those people some help, even though I think a lot of them – and even more, the institutions that originated those loans – were irresponsible and possibly even unethical. The bailout actually illustrates my point rather well – that even when people cause their own problems, leaving them to twist in the wind doesn't necessarily improve the situation for anyone, even for me, the person who has to pay for their mistakes. If nothing else, a freaked out, desperate person with nothing left to lose may be much less disinclined to clonk me over the head with a pipe and rob me in some midnight alley than someone who has more or less everything they need to feel safe and secure in the world.

Also, the way I feel about that situation makes me more sympathetic with people on the right who are always complaining about their hard-earned tax dollars going to support lazy, no-good welfare recipients who just don't want to work and expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter, or whatever it is the right is always complaining about.

I get up and go to work every day whether I feel like it or not. These days, I actually have TWO jobs, because my first, main job is with a company that is struggling just to keep the doors open, and they can no longer give anyone full-time employment. They've chosen to reduce everyone's hours instead of laying more people off, and have twisted themselves around like pretzels to try to ensure that those of us who depend on the company for health insurance still have enough hours to stay insured. It's not a perfect situation but I appreciate their commitment to trying to provide a good workplace and a great product. The company is small and healthcare, worker's comp and other government-mandated benefits are a big strain for them to have to pay. The way the current system is set up, smaller companies carry a disproportionate share of the burden of healthcare costs in particular. Smaller companies pay more, huge corporations pay less, per person, for the same coverage. Shouldn't everyone at least pay the same for the same coverage? That isn't what I call a handout. It seems only fair.

My other job is in just about the same sad circumstances. I'm part of a development team that is supposed to be raising operational funds, and it just isn't happening. First of all, there's no money for fund-raising activities – like, seriously, No. Money. Second, even the people who would normally love to donate are holding their wallets like precious newborn babies right now. Nobody's giving. The upshot of all this is that my second job may be going away after the first of the year, because I'm doubtful that we'll be able to raise enough money to pay me after that, and even in these tough times I still draw the line at working for free.

Anyway. This is quickly devolving into what sounds suspiciously like a complaint-fest, and that isn't my intention. I'm not even really trying to complain – just stating some observations. Money is not flowing so freely these days, at least not into my wallet, and so yeah, I do understand hard-working people who feel financially anxious and defensive against having their own money taken away and given to other people who aren't working at all.

I understand the feelings. But I still think that we're all safer and better off when everyone's needs are met, even the needs of people who aren't willing to work to take care of themselves.

Maybe more on this later ... or maybe not. I always get nervous when I talk about my political opinions here, because I fear some or most of them may be inexcusably half-baked. Last time I checked though there's still no law against spouting half-baked opinions on one's own blog.

This is our victory

Quoting his acceptance speech, which I am listening to with a few tears falling into my eggs.

It feels kind of good to believe something good might actually be able to happen now. I hope it's true.

Take a deep breath, and then another

I've sort of been avoiding writing about the election because it's stressing me out, but this morning I realized if I don't write about it today I won't be able to write about it at all because anything I say will be contaminated by my knowledge of the election results. So I guess if I have something to say, I'd better get it said today.

I'm about to go out and vote and after that I'm going to my job at a more-or-less lefty community newspaper where everyone is going to be tracking updates and making predictions all day long. After work I may drop by the Election Night party at the community center, and after that I'm coming home to take a bath and read Wendell Berry and go to bed early. I don't want to buy into the drama surrounding this election any more than I have to so I've decided not to wait up for the results, but simply to read about them in the morning, after a good night's sleep.

In some ways I'm excited by all the talk of change, and I do think it all matters. It's important who wins. At the same time, I hate all this manufactured drama of epic proportions – "the most important election in U.S. history!!!!!" – and resent the attempts of many to force me into supporting someone who is still far from being the person I would really like to see as president.

Of the two major contenders Obama is clearly the one most in line with the values I want to see expressed in the world. And I know it isn't his fault – or McCain's either, for that matter – that we're all embedded in a pathologically selfish, consumeristic, capitalistic society ruled by corporations instead of human beings.

I also know it isn't really as simple as that ... take the Freddie/Fanny bailouts. As someone who's always wanted to own a house, and never been able to afford even the cheapest condo where I live, there's a part of me that thinks maybe I should've gotten in on all that cheap mortgage action too, and signed up for a loan I knew I couldn't pay back, just like all those other folks did. I considered it when all the hoopla was going on but decided not to because I didn't want to get in over my head and risk losing the house, going bankrupt, etc. So I feel like kind of a chump now, seeing tax money – MY money! – going to save those people, so they can keep the houses they never should've bought in the first place, while I still can't afford to buy one.

On the other hand, what would happen to the whole economy if all those loans really did go in the crapper? Something terrible, from everything I've read. Truthfully I don't completely understand how all this works and what the real implications would be, but my point in bringing it up is just that the world we live in here in the U.S. is complicated, and no one person, even if it is the president, has the final say on everything that happens. Not to minimize the importance of this election – but just to counter some of the hyperbole in the other direction ....

The way I see it, the whole thing is symbolic. Who a person votes for depends on the story they most want to believe is true. A McCain supporter likes the story where anyone who works hard can succeed, and should be allowed to amass as much benefit as possible from their own efforts, and be able to use it to take care of themselves and their families in any way they see fit, and to decide for themselves how much and in what ways they want to share their wealth and help those who need it. This story is about personal power, and a belief in a weird sort of cosmic justice – that success is the natural result of honest effort, that you can do, be, have anything you want, if you're willing to work hard enough. There's also a certain optimism and faith in the best parts of human nature here – the assumption that when people have wealth and resources to share, they will share them willingly with those who don't have enough. The government doesn't need to tell anyone what to do in this regard, because people are good and will take appropriate care of their fellow humans without being forced to.

There's a lot to like in that story. The main problem I have with it is that it isn't true, or at least, it isn't complete. First of all, it should be obvious to anyone with eyes to see that the rich are not falling over themselves to be first in line to help the "less fortunate." Sure, there are charitable foundations and philanthropic societies and silent auctions galore, but even with these, the catch always seems to be that the people who contribute want to reserve the right to judge for themselves whether the recipients are worthy of help – whether they deserve help. Whether they've "earned" it, the same way the lofty rich have "earned" the wealth they may deign to bestow on those in need, or not. Kids with cancer and hurricane victims and others who've been taken down by circumstances beyond their own control are always popular beneficiaries. But if it looks like your misfortune is your own fault, because you were too lazy or stupid or sinful or greedy or whatever, then you're pretty much out of luck.

Another problem with this story is that hard work is not always enough to secure your place in the world. Some people work very hard and still never get anywhere. And some people aren't even able to work.

This is where the other story comes in, the story that seems to appeal more to Obama supporters. In this story, people understand that we all do better when everyone's needs are met, and so we all have a huge incentive to see that everyone around us is doing well – whether they're able or even willing to work to make that happen or not. There are times in everyone's life when they have more, and times when they have less, and it just makes sense to give more when you have more to give, knowing that when you run into trouble – as most everyone does at some time in their life – you're not going to be hung out to dry. In this story, we all rise together, or we all fall together.

Growing up in Mormonism, this second story was the one that always resonated more with me. I absorbed the idea that we all belong to each other, and that it's just simply wrong for one person to accumulate a lot of personal wealth when others are lacking and could use some help. I've never really understood why Utah is such a Republican state, when it seems like they'd be more liable to favor socialist candidates. Maybe it's because historically Mormons haven't always had the best relationship with the government, and while the organization itself is still sort of socialistic (from what I understand) they don't necessarily trust the government to carry out any economic plans based on the idea that if you have two coats, you should give one of them away to someone who doesn't have a coat at all. Or who knows, maybe they don't even teach those ideas anymore. I'm no expert on Mormonism in the twenty-first century.

All I can say is that growing up in that culture I always knew that if anything terrible ever happened to my family there would be people and resources there to take care of me until I could take care of myself, and I've never felt that way again since I left. I know that in my family we're all there for each other, but other than that – I don't feel very confident that "society" would kick in to help me if I, for example, were to lose my health insurance and start having serious medical problems that I couldn't pay for on my own. The idea of lying homeless and alone in a cold puddle of muddy water under a bridge somewhere, feet amputated, kidneys oozing, blind and with my blood sugar skyrocketing because of some horrid infection that won't go away ... well, it's kind of an exaggeration. But I wonder. How would McCain's America treat me if I ever did find myself in that situation? Would I get any help? Or would they just cluck their tongues and sadly turn away, wishing they could help but unable to, because it was all my own fault for getting fat in my 30s and eating too much Halloween candy, and it's not OK to help people who've brought their problems on themselves, because they must learn to take responsibility for their actions?

Urgh. Must stop writing now ... you can see why I shy away from topics like these. All my worst fears and most cynical thoughts come bubbling to the surface when people start talking politics, and it doesn't help to have all the universe conspiring to put HIGH DRAMA!!!!! over the elections all up in my face every minute of the day.

So anyway. Time to go vote. The main thing I want to remember is that no matter who wins, there are lots of people on all sides, all over the world in fact, who are trying to do good things. As my mom says, you can only really focus on one thing at a time – make it something positive.